on her way home

I feel like a failure and every single day I try to find solutions, ways to just get out of this pit. And it’s possible it has already driven me mad. I have all these images in my head of how things would be if we could just finally get through this – and while it inspires me, it is also freaking frustrating!

It’s killing me how I am miserably failing at motherhood and with my marriage – two things I dreamt about so badly as a young little girl and all while growing up – when I am so used to excelling at every job life throws at me. Why can’t I get this one thing right? The most important one. The one I have prayed for for so long. And the one I know I am so fortunate and blessed for because God gifted me with it.

I try to convince myself that God knows what He was doing when He decided to give me this life, these tasks; that He “trusted” me; that He knew I was capable of these things.

:: Of course He did. Of course He knew what He was doing when He decided to give me this life….

But no, I am not capable. Not alone.  

Both Franz and Fleur are asleep. The entire house is lit only by the kitchen counter light--and the screen of my laptop. I’m enjoying the dark, the silence, this little time I get to have for myself.

Daily life with a newborn is tough. The mom life is tough. But I made it through today. Just as I did yesterday, and the days before that.

I could have done things better today:

I could have sleep-trained and nap-trained my baby, but instead we cuddled. I rocked her to sleep. 

I could have worked some more, but instead I played a little longer with my baby. And even took some nap.

I could have eaten less, watched my diet more closely, but instead enjoyed the meal prepared by my husband.

I could have continued reading some of the books I’m currently in, but instead I’m here.. just writing randomly. Listening to My Zen playlist. Or is this the “Hygge playlitst?” Didn’t even bother to check.

But couldn’t care less. I’m letting it all go. We made it through today. 

Update: a mom now to a 4 month old baby girl. Wow!

-

I am pausing work to write this. Just really really overwhelmed. As usual, ever since, I have been struggling to mute my thoughts, my mind, to declutter my brain. I hope writing some of these thoughts down will help me let go of some of them; parking them here for now, while I find time to process them and take action if necessary.

Let me start by saying: I am exhausted. This new life as a mom, and a first-timer at that, is just overwhelming. And I'm saying this almost 5 months postpartum. Although I am very very grateful for my little girl and she's everything to me and I haven't had any role in life better than being her mom, sometimes I feel like I'm just not cut out for this job.

Before marriage and motherhood, I had been working *really hard* on my mental health. I was really into taking care of myself, of my peace. Taking things slow. Making time for things that matter. Finding happiness (or something like that. That's the closest word I can find). And now, while I know I need it now more than ever, I just can't get myself to do it.

I wanna be able to enjoy every second with my baby before she's all grown up. I wanna be able to slow down. I wanna be able to take care of myself so I can be a better mom and a better wife. On the other hand, I feel like I won't be able to do or have any of that unless we're in a better situation--a better home, a better-paying job, an older or trained (actually pertaining to sleep-training here) baby who's less demanding/needy, more time, more and more time.

Frustrating (and funny) how to slow down, I am in a hurry.

I'm just really exhausted. I have been sleep-deprived for so long. I am judged for my parenting style. All the time I get for myself is when the lights are out and the only sound there is is the white noise keeping my baby asleep. Although my husband helps me whenever he can, I still feel alone.

I have to keep reminding myself: this too shall pass.

While I have always prayed to God for a heart like His, it was not until this pregnancy that I actually upped my game and started working on it. It’s convenient to stay the same, keep my worldly ways, and just wait for God to do something about my heart. But that is just not what I think God is telling me to do--especially on that one lonely morning, when God spoke to me through the Catholic Inspirations podcast on Spotify. Fr. Andrew Ricci, the host, was preaching through his homily that to grow with Christ and to be like Christ, it has to be a routine. A regular work. A habit that we need to keep reminding ourselves. It definitely hit me and especially given the new responsibility and role to take as a soon-to-be parent, I knew I had to get up and start a routine. To start walking back to Christ who has always been there, patiently waiting for me. 

After maybe a few weeks or days, God also led me to opening and reading a book called “How’s Your Faith?” by David Gregory. Funny really how God works and speaks with us. I’ve had this book for years now but never really got myself to open it, let alone read it. But one day, after Fr. Ricci’s homily, He just called me to finally do so. And it’s really amazing because David Gregory’s story of discovering his spiritual life was triggered by his commitment in building a better family life and becoming a better parent to his children. And in my mind, I went, wow! It cannot be a coincidence!

The book started with Gregory going back to his childhood, to his pains. And naturally, as a reader trying to rediscover her way back to her faith, I too was forced to look back on my own pains. 

Honestly, I thought I was over them--the pains. I thought I have already embraced the fact that my family is not like most families--complete, supporting, present. Although I am grateful to God for both my parents, it was not through family that I discovered true love; and I thought I had already forgiven them for that. 

But really, when God decides to be funny, he gets really funny. Sometimes I think, Lord naman, nangkakantsaw pa. Because around the time that I was forced to reopen these wounds, I was caught in a really awkward situation where I’m living with my mom again. The same mom who left us and sought after her personal plans and desires. The same mom who would only remember us whenever it’s convenient for her. The same mom who could tell me hurtful things. She came over and decided to stay for a while when we found out I was pregnant. We had her with us for about three to four months. At first, I didn’t mind. I naturally liked having people over here at home. So it was really okay at first. It was just like having guests. But later on, I was really struggling living with her. I was not used to her being around. And when I was starting my journey back to faith, I could not help but be more annoyed by her presence--simply for the fact that she had hurt me so many times and I don’t think I’ll be able to work on my being a better person with her presence reminding me all the time how much love she refused to give me. I would think, the more I fall in love with this baby I haven’t even met, the more I do not understand how she was able to do the things she did to us. And that made her very presence painful to me. 

Afterwards, God also led me into situations where I was forced to re-assess my relationship with other people who’ve had also hurt me, who have made me feel very insecure. As of writing, I have to admit that I am still angry at them. But I know better than to confront any of them and make them feel worse. If there’s anything God is telling that’s so clear to me, it’s that there’s no point taking my pain and rubbing it on their faces, confronting them, or seeking revenge whatsoever.

And I guess given that, the bottomline is, I don’t know what to do with these pains. I don’t know how to heal from them. How can I forgive, move on, and be the light that I pray God turn me to be when I am hurting still? How do I protect my peace when I am bound to keep these people in my life? How will I guide my child down the right path when I, myself, am lost? How can I love with all my heart when I feel very unloved?

And boy am I so lost!

I want to take this baby step by baby step until I find the answers. Starting today, I will be reading through the entire bible to seek for Him. I will continue to pray that God send me someone to talk to me on His behalf about what I should do. I will continue to pray that He teaches me how to properly listen to him--because honestly, I still have not mastered the art of quiet time. I will continue hearing mass every day as much as I can to seek somewhere, in there, the answers. (And I think I also need to be visiting the church soon to make a confession. Hmmm...)

--

Last night, as usual, I was thinking about all these--about how much hurt I am and how all these pains make me feel very undeserving of love, very unlovable. And in trying to find some answers, I opened my Bible app and checked my Bible Plans. I had one I signed up to way back in October but have not started. It’s called “Your Truest Self // Living in His Love.” Thinking, wow can’t that be more apt? (HAHA!), I went ahead and started the plan. And for the devotional of Day 1, it says:

I am for you. I am with you. I go before, knowing what is ahead. I stand behind, my hand on your shoulder, so close you can smell my presence. Yes, there is a fragrance of my Spirit. This is where I invite you to live—your truest self, stripped of all insecurities, all what-ifs, all doubts and fears and pains.

Breathe deeply, my dear one. Breathe in sweetness and hope. Breathe in newness and the clean air I bring.

I draw you in.

Let Me be your strength. There, you are glorious. Let Me be the hand you hold—all weight lifted, all sorrow behind. Let Me cup your face in my hands. Let Me look on you. Let Me hold you. Let Me walk next to you. Match my stride.

I show you how.

There is a pace—within this fragrance of my presence—where I invite you to stay. Keep that pace. You know the pace, the rhythm, the movement of your moments when you can breathe Me and smell the fragrance of Me with you.

I envelop you. I carry you. And all whom you meet will be in my presence, with you, too. They will be enveloped in the fragrance of Me. All you do with Me points the people you meet to the fragrance. Let it spread. Keep in step. Check the pace. Let it be a rhythm that is natural.

Practice.

Breathe.

I show you how.

And then this morning, I heard mass online and the gospel was Luke 17:26-37, a very timely and relevant gospel provided the typhoon Ulysses the country had to endure yesterday (and today, actually, in some parts of Luzon). The homily of the priest was of course very relevant as well. He preached about true resiliency: if we are truly resilient, how come we have not learned from all the past experiences we’ve had with typhoons and floodings? He said, the truth is God does not want us to suffer. If you loved someone, would you want him/her to suffer? No. But because He loves us, He is suffering with us--as we learn from our mistakes and as we discover how to get things right. He is with us. 

Definitely not a coincidence. I know so so so well that God led me to this bible plan and to hear this mass at the most appropriate time so He can speak to me..except it was not the answer I was hoping for. I was hoping for something like "this is exactly what you need to do.” But instead God gave me something like “I am with you. I am carrying you. I am beside you. Let me show you how.”

But I guess that’s enough for now. I have been invited by my King to strip myself of all the insecurities, the what-ifs, the fears, and the pains. And while I honestly don’t know how to do that (ugh!!!), I am comforted by the fact that He is with me and someone loves me for me--even if I haven’t gotten everything figured out; even if I’m very very broken; even if my own parents found me unworthy to fight for; even if my loved ones think I do not live up to their standards; even if I fail every single day; despite me. 

23 weeks, second trimester.

This pregnancy has changed me quite a lot..and I don’t mean just physically, although I think that’s the main culprit. When we found out, and during my first trimester, I slowly began losing my energy and enthusiasm for anything (except maybe for the fact I’m gonna be a mom, and about meeting my baby). I was always feeling bad, sick. And so I refused to work, to exercise, and to run my usual routine. I could not even keep my plants alive anymore, and everyone knows how crazy I had been over plants. Actually, I gave most of them away.. keeping only my pothos plant, aloe vera, and lavender plant--but that one also died eventually. I lost my enthusiasm to “take care of my mental health and overall wellbeing.” Although I have to be honest I was, or still am, becoming a worrywart about my physical health. I’m always worried about whether I’m keeping my baby safe and healthy. (I can talk about this one some other time, some other blog.) -- --not to mention the fact that we’re currently still deep down into this health crisis, and the country’s not handling it very well. 

Last night, triggered by another cause for worry, I just broke into tears. I was telling Franz, “I’m not gonna be a good mom” while sniffing and drying my tears. Well, how can I? I can’t watch my diet anymore, not even for my baby. I can’t even exercise, which will be very good for him. I can’t take care of myself; how can I take care of anyone? -- These, among others.

Bottomline is: I kind of let myself go, until I’m barely me anymore.

This morning, however, I woke up wanting to change that. I re-read the stuff that used to excite me. I watched videos online of people whose lives have always inspired me. I checked for new healthy, affordable, simple recipes. I pulled back the curtains, letting in more light today. I gave my barely-surviving plants some water (I’ve had my mom do this for me for the past months.) And I started writing here, again. Anything, really, to spark the old fire. 

(Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage)

"Have I not said that womanhood involves all? Have I not told how the universe has nothing better than the best womanhood?" (Walt Whitman)

Photo: collective artwork by the children participants of National Children’s Congress 2019 for Children’s month. Their families are considered among the poorest of the poor.

I have always been very vocal and expressive about how disappointed I am over the seemingly unending unfortunate stories of this society. And I honestly, genuinely, believe that there are people who are actually either making it happen, neglecting these things, or just tolerating them. I have read enough books. I have talked to too many people from all walks of life (yes! politicians and government officials included!). And I have heard too many real-life stories. (I owe all this to my family for the way they brought me up and to the nature of work I am involved in! As they say, “kapag namulat na ang mata mo sa katotohanan, kasalanan nang pumikit muli.”)

Injustice. Poverty. Hunger. Domestic abuse. Illiteracy. Incompetent leaders. Corruption. Lies. Selfishness. Murder. Evil. These are all real, and these are all happening right now, at this very moment. And they just always, always, have this effect on me--as if I get all twisted, stabbed inside.

I have to admit: if you found any one of these right in front of your face, witnessed them with your two own eyes, with all of its evil and realness, it would shake your faith. The question we are all told never to ask, would soon cross your mind: Is it even possible for a God to exist provided all these?

My answer is always yes. This is something I have discussed with myself many, many times before and each time, I’m able to prove (to myself, at least) that God is real. And Good and Evil really do co-exist. 

Unfortunately, for some people, for some of those who are victims of the most vile things, they have already found it very hard to forgive God and even believe in Him. And to be honest, we can only go as far as imagining what they had been through to quickly jump into judging them.  Being a non-believer does not make him/her any less of a person. (My perspective perhaps on another post someday! But to have read Outlaw Christian by Jacqueline Bussie is such an eye-opener! My new favorite book!)

As I have mentioned in my first blog post, I have been trying to reflect and re-assess my decisions, thoughts, and emotions given the Lenten season. And all this reflecting would revolve around the question: How do I best practice love?--especially during such chaotic times.

A few days, or weeks, before I wrote and posted that blog post, I had been stumbling upon social media posts from people--who aren’t really strangers, matter of fact, I knew them quite well--about how during these trying times, the best thing to do would be to keep quiet instead of venting out complaints and disappointments towards the government. (To be fair, my opinion and dislike for the government is all backed with research, and universally-accepted ethics, and moral!) 

Honestly, my first reaction was: check your forking privileges people!!! It led me to unfriending and unfollowing some people on social media. I just didn’t want to have anything to do with indifferent people, I thought.

But it was also around this time that I started being even more prayerful for my Lent practice, and it has led me to step back and think: would God have been pleased for the way I reacted? Is this how He would do it? 

In an attempt to find answers to this (because I truly, truly had no idea), I eventually started this journal, read more books, and prayed and prayed--all the while keeping my mouth shut, keeping all my thoughts and opinion to myself, ignoring the evil that’s going out there. From the ranting, calling-out-government, demanding posts, I replaced them with happy, hygge, simple posts of my everyday life. (Thinking about it now, how narcissistic!!) Eventually, I uninstalled my Facebook and Twitter apps so I wouldn’t have to keep seeing “bad news” and then I wouldn’t have to keep feeling angry.

It wasn’t very successful, of course. I felt even worse.

I, of course, wouldn’t say this is the ultimate truth and the exact answer to my question. I do not know how God would answer me exactly, what His exact words would be. But I have thought and prayed about it really hard and in doing so, I have referred to His story. And I have been once again reminded of my responsibilities as a human who is part of a society, of a community, and a Christian who has to follow Christ and His steps.

For one, I am forever grateful for the talent and the passion God has placed in my heart and hands for arts, creativity, and the like. I create art for a living (and for survival and sanity, really, because what would life be without art?). And if there’s anything that I have learned in and out of the academe about it, it’s that what makes it really of great quality is not aesthetics, but its relevance. It should not be made out of service to the self, but to its recipient, to the viewers or readers or listeners. As a writer--who was sent to school by my family to receive proper writing training, who has been trained by well-known writers whose works are to look up to, and who has actually been trusted by people with their stories, experiences, knowledge, wisdom, and inspiration--I, therefore, believe I have an obligation to use my words to serve a greater purpose than just to satisfy my own personal satisfaction, convenience, and pleasure.

But more than this--provided it is also God who blessed me with the so-called “talent” for writing--I believe I have an obligation as a Christian.

To continue acknowledging and calling out evil.

To be the voice of those who have none.

To get out of my way and continue carry my cross, just like Christ did.

To try to be someone’s hope.

It puts me off every time I encounter people who uses Christianity only for their own protection. Most of us always have this idea that as “good Christians,” we must avoid arguments, keep our mouths shut, ignore things that will shake us out of our “peace” and convenience, leave everything up to God. We always thank God for the food He places on our plate--without thinking about others who have nothing to eat nor drink. We always pray that God keeps us away from harm as He always does--but when we find someone whose human rights are abused or violated, we turn a blind eye. When we are in a bad situation, we call out to God for hope--but we refuse to be the hope others need. 

I believe God is all-powerful and that in a swish and swoosh of His hand, He can make things happen. It sounds like magic, but far greater than that, I believe.

But when someone is in great trouble, and seeks for God’s help, does God respond in a magical way? If you are, for example, a victim of injustice, was falsely accused and detained, will God just simply transport you from your prison cell to your home? No. He always sends help through other people. 

Let us be those people. I want to be that people.

I will continue to acknowledge and call out evil, out of love.

I will continue to be the loving voice of those who have none.

I will continue to get our of my way and continue to carry my cross, for love.

I will continue to try to be someone’s hope, because of love.

Yesterday, I woke up with really puffy eyes from crying the night prior. I was so weary. The weight was just too much to bear. It’s returned. The concern was either something I was only overthinking and have probably gotten wrong, or it was true and there’s really nothing much I can do about it. It feels so real. Maybe it is? And if it is, how do I go on about living with it?

And also, am I not way too old to still be feeling this way?

The concern is: I think I may be unloved. I am genuinely unlovable. And I am responsible for my situation.

26 years and I have been trying to please the people around me, but have never really been successful at it. And while the advice of the wisest and happiest people would be to “learn to love yourself and just do you!” I wouldn’t really trust myself with that. I know the real “me” would just bring about disappointment. I just don’t have that light. And I really wish I did.

But that’s already been 26 years of my life gone and wasted. Will I still be able to redeem myself? While writing this, I am ashamed for still thinking about what other people would think and how I could “win them over,” keep them in my life. I am still thinking about pleasing them. I guess, if we’re completely being honest, I am afraid knowing I have not even a single soul to love me. Because if that’s the case, then what’s the point? 

Brings me back to my commitments this lent. Lord, will I ever have even just a ray of Your light?

I had to flip back some pages and go throuh one of my current reads, Outlaw Christian by Jacqueline Bussie, to find this message:

When we struggle to overcome addiction, await oncology test results, sign divorce papers, or bury the remains of our miscarried child, we sigh into our pillow, “God, I feel so forgotten by you.” At those times, we want and need to hear back from God and one another: You are loved. We cannot say it enough. I love you. God loves you. Loved. Are. You. It’s practically impossible to believe this on our own. Sorrow and shame can drown out God’s voice, if and when God is saying anything.

The problem is not that we are not loved. The real problem is that none of us believe it. Paul Tillich wonderfully defines faith as the courage to accept that you are accepted. My version is tha faith is the courage to love the fac that you are loved. The secret to faith is trusting that you are actually loved. 

Photo from IG:@chonacatibog: “ When it comes to my small #IndoorGarden, it's always a satisfaction when i see my rescued plants regrowing and doing much better than ever! 🌱🌿 ”

I was in my second, or third year in college when I decided to tear the walls down that kept me from God, the walls that stood boxing Him in--the very same walls that maybe I did build influenced by society, the world, maybe my family and friends, and probably even the Church.

Coming from a family who practiced the Catholic religion quite seriously, I still wouldn’t call myself religious then. (I still prefer not to be called religious today, though!) I went to Church on a weekly basis. I took down notes during religion classes and performed well during exams. I enjoyed whenever my grandparents invited their friends over and did their regular activities as a CFC household. (I genuinely miss those--as of writing!) I enjoyed the mass songs taught to me by my Titos and Titas never fully understanding what the songs meant. And when my parents separated, I was taught that God was not pleased because it’s a violation, a disrespect, or something to that effect, to the Sacrament of Marriage. I went to a semi-Catholic school in high school and was part of quite a prayerful community. I prayed, sure. I prayed with my family. And I was taught at a very young age that whenever two or more are gathered in prayer, Christ is there with them. (Matthew 18:20). So I did pray. I understood then that when I needed help with something, I only had to pray and ask God. I have memorized a lot of Catholic prayers but never truly knowing what they really meant. I have some Bible Verses memorized as well, and sometimes used them--for the benefit of none other than me--but mostly, I’ve learned, they’re taken out of context.

But it wasn’t actually until God surrounded me with people who are actually qualified to be called His disciples that I truly, truly, truly understood: I know nothing about who the Lord really is!

Looking back, I still thank Him for placing these people in my life. Some I’ve already lost in touch with; some remained and are still actually my good friends!

I think I just also have to  mention that not all these people are from the same religion as mine yet they illuminate the light of God, no doubt. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from all those years of seeking and getting to know Him, it’s that He shouldn’t be caged in a religion, in a practice. I understood He’s far greater than that. He is in every person I meet and encounter who practices love, especially when it’s just so hard to love. Just as Christ did. And just as He still always does up until this very time, this very moment.

Love. God is Love.

And for this year’s lent, my commitment would be to learn more about love by practicing love, always. To everyone. At any given time.

I know myself and I know it’s not going to be an easy task.

Ever since I began my commitment and my declaration (to self) that I am a child of God and that I love Him above anything else in this world, I became more conscious of the things I’m doing, and feeling, and thinking. Is it right to feel this way? Is this the right thing to do? It is not an easy task and getting an answer isn’t always one plus one equals two. I have learned that the world is not black and white and there’s actually a blurry line between right and wrong.

Although I have always tried to be conscious of the things I do, many many times I still fail to follow Him. I am an impatient person. I judge other people, sometimes way too quickly, whenever I feel like they’re standing on a wrong belief. Sometimes, I find it hard to listen. And most of the time, I let my pride eat me, totally consumed, instead of the other way around. At the end of the day, I am still a disappointing, always-sinning, failure. And although I think I could have had a total control over my actions, it’s a cycle that almost never ends. And it doesn’t help that I keep forgetting that each time I feel frustrated, I beg for forgiveness and pray that He grants me with a heart just like His.

---

Just a few weeks and days ago, the entire Luzon has been placed under an Enhanced Community Quarantine as a safety measure against the COVID-19 virus outbreak. What a time of great uncertainty!

While I am privileged to have a roof above my head and resources that will help us get through these troubling times, I acknowledge the fact that there are brothers and sisters out there who are forced to risk their lives everyday to serve fellow neighbors, countrymen, and their families. I’d like to think there’s a reason why God has placed this burden on our shoulders just in time for Lent. I am not saying that it is a reason to celebrate, but it is a reason to slow down, grow much much much stronger in prayer, remain vigilant and in search for Truth.

Provided the many painful news we receive everyday, I have been in such a crazy emotional roller-coaster ride--the emotions being mostly negative, by the way. I hear news about increase in the number of cases, and I get anxious. I hear news about the government’s incompetence, and I’m angry. I hear news about other people’s indifference, and I’m furious. I hear news about fellow Pinoys abused and just neglected during these times, and I’m just heartbroken.

I notice, once again, that my feelings lead me to becoming a disappointing, always-sinning, failure. I confess that I have spoken against other people. I refused to listen. I refused to put my shoes in their shoes to maybe look around where they’re coming from. Thinking about those things now, I also confess I still have this little voice in my head telling me “those things are straight-up, unadulterated, absolutely wrong and there’s nothing to even consider about it, not worth listening to!”  I try to justify how I feel by telling myself “God wouldn’t like it either!”--so it’s just right to be angry at these people, forget about your relationships with them ‘cause they are not worth your time and understanding!

Awful. Just awful. God wouldn’t like that either.

This Lent, I confess I have committed all these mistakes and that these were all made out of the lack of love. I always pray for God to help me become more like Him, less like me. And while I know God always wants to help me with this, I am the one who wanders away. I commit, and then I forget.

So today, I am going back to keeping a journal. Writing, anyway, has always helped me think better. For example, before I created this entry, I didn’t think I’d write this much!

Moving forward--and there’s nowhere else to go but forward, the question to answer is: What is love?  How would Christ exhibit love at a situation like this? How do you best practice love?

Let’s see what God has to say.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for reaching out to me the past days. You know how weary my heart is now. And how eager I am to finally change my ways--especially now that, I think, the world needs it more. Forgive me for all the mistakes I have made.