honey pie

i guess i know what it’s like now, maybe i don’t.

eight months. i go back to the same freezing months when we said our last goodbyes, thinking of that number. i wonder if you’re okay sometimes. i wonder if you really ever loved me at all sometimes. my therapists and the people around me say our relationship was abusive. i’d be so afraid to tell you that. but i guess that proves my point. thank you for begrudgingly letting me getting a dog. she could not be the glue to hold us together, as much as i wanted her to. sometimes i miss sleeping next to you. but i remember feeling utterly lonely sleeping next to you too. feeling like it wasn’t right that i was thinking of imaginary people that might come and show me they truly love me. i remember you dodging me when i would try to kiss you... fuck that hurts so much. still to this day. i never wanted to hurt you. we fought about our first time and i never wanted to be anybody to hurt you. i feel like you just want to bring me down with you, all the time. i just wanted us to explore. i wanted us to grow together. you didn’t want us to grow physically or mentally. you didn’t want me to do drugs back then either. why? what changed? why did you have to be so mean to me? why weren’t you in my hospital bed holding my hand when my dad told me i was a fucking idiot? you know, that was the breaking point for me. if you didnt know that already. i remember looking at you for any sort of help when he degraded me like that. i know you were scared. but... i would have been in your hospital bed with you crying. you felt so angry to me. like you didn’t want to look at me. and when i ran out of the hospital and realized you weren’t going to follow me, it just personified our entire relationship. all the things i wanted to do, wanted to try, wanted to see, it always felt like you wanted to drag me right back to where you wanted to be. and if i wouldn’t... “fuck me.” i hope you get better. i carried your energy home with me and it haunted me for weeks. you’re ill, previous lover. my dreams tell me so.

i know things can feel unbearable and that you’re not afraid to swim but you’re afraid of what lies within the water. i’ve felt this too, my dearest. sometimes i clench my fists so hard they forget how to unfold- sometimes i get angry and forget to stop erupting for some time. do you see what i mean? the world continues to feel cold. i wish you were around to remind me of the sun in june and how it never seems too far away. speaking of far, let’s leave this place. we’ll run off and dive into another life. as long as we’re together. you’re safe. with love, codependency

You’ve got no idea whose heart you have in your hands, and you probably never will. This is to you, the girl lost in her head and found in her music.