LIFE

1. We are the carriers of so many labels we use to identify ourselves. Daughter, sister, friend, wife. A label to explain every season we are in. I've been ruminating on the idea that while we would die to identify with the powerful, famous, beloved. Jesus died to identify with us, the broken, the sinful, the painfully human. And so as I shed my last name and take on a new one, I want to forge ahead in the example that Christ has set. To associate and bear the title of wife and whatever that entails with humility, joy, and love.

2. Everyone tells you to "enjoy this season!", "soak it all in!" For me, to be frank, the days have felt long, but the weeks have felt so short and I feel the crushing weight of "am I doing this right?" I've thought about whether or not I'm doing everything to honour my parents, or love God in this season, I've wrestled with feeling like getting married is somehow disloyal to God, I've wondered if I care too much about x, y, z. I've wondered if I have been unfaithful because I go to counseling and not lifegroup. And I just realize, there is no perfect way to do this. There is nothing that will crush me more than the weight of being "not enough", not only now but when I become a wife, or a mom etc. If I live in the "not enough" that's all I'll ever be.

I've been meditating on Psalm 23 and it says SURELY goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. And I realize that I cannot put all of my hope in myself, in my efforts, in my ability to adapt, in my eloquence or gifts. Those things fit squarely in the "not enough". Instead I must take solace and put my hope in the fact that even when I fail, SURELY goodness and mercy will follow me. When I feel frazzled, don't have time, feel like I'm juggling 1000 things, when I'm not loving or intentional enough, still, goodness and mercy will follow me. I am the beloved, cared for child of God.

3. When you know, you know. And I never in my wildest dreams thought love could be so wholesome, so right, so happy, and so freeing.

I've been reading the book of Mark. I got to the point where Jesus feeds the 5000 (for the first time). Some context: Jesus actually wants to take his disciples away to rest and sabbath, but the crowds see them and run ahead of them to wait for them, and Jesus preaches and heals the sick because He had such compassion for them. The disciples then tell Jesus to send the people away so that they can get food for themselves as it was getting late. But Jesus tells them to feed the crowd. The disciples seem confused, but offer to try to see what 200 denarii will buy for them. But Jesus stops them and tells them to see what is ALREADY THERE among them.It is so easy to look at what I can manufacture, or make happen, or achieve, but Jesus is telling them, there is enough amongst them to feed 5000. 

I got really excited because I think part of what Jesus demonstrates is that He will glorify Himself with whatever we bring. It was a lesson as much for the disciples as it was for the crowd. I am encouraged to bring to God what is ALREADY there inside of my heart, the desires, the hopes, the dreams, the gifts/talents He has given me, but also my disappointment, my experiences, my pain, my sins and my flaws and believe He will magnificently put Himself on display through my offering. 

- got to share about my faith with a non-believing Co worker who had bad experiences with the church growing up. A sober reminder that we need to be people of compassion and integrity because the world is watching. It is dangerous to let politics, personal preference, and pride inform the version of the gospel that you present to the world.

- one child told me his brother did "bad things". When I asked, and it took some prompting, he said "he stuck up his middle finger" then giggled and covered his mouth. Then after about ten seconds of thinking, he whispers to me "I did it one time too..." I very seriously thanked him for telling me that he did that.

- this one therapist is getting all of the kids that I've interviewed and I love getting to see them, and engage with them, and spend time with them. It means so much that they remember who I am and it's so good to see their progress.

Snippets from this weekend.