huh

ultimately there's a deep sadness and i'm definitely going to be crying about it off and on over the coming months lol. chilled's been such a big part of my life for about a decade now, maybe the only constant i have left. i was about to turn 16 when i first started watching him, struggling with loneliness and alienation and mental health throughout high school. and now i'm about to be 26, getting ready to move states for my new job (starts june 1st, if that isn't some of the loveliest timing)

i have this nasty habit of starting over every few years (2018, 2022, 2024, in a month). one, enrichment. two, everytime i get comfortable, i slide back into depression and lose bits and pieces of myself, so i rubber band and have to make an effort to shake it back up. but it was okay, because at least i had chilled streams and videos while i was pulling myself back together. it's devastating that he's not going to be around for too much longer. bro could've at LEAST waited an extra month for me to get settled in lmfaoooo

but fr tho, i guess to me personally, it's rather poetic that he's ending on a birthday stream, and i'll be starting a whole new chapter for myself. i guess that's a big part of why i have such mixed feelings, because i get it. the realization that you have to untangle and remove yourself from certain contexts, because you've become interwoven with them and you don't know where it ends and you begin. so i guess i'm really proud of him, too

i remember in an older stream, sometime after among us started really popping off, he said that if there's one thing about him, it's that he's afraid to rock the boat. that's why among us was still here after so many years, that's why shellshock had stuck around for so long. if things are going okay, if people are enjoying it, then why rock the boat? why risk it? and here he is, rocking that thing to kingdom come. that's fucking awesome, and i'm happy for him. i hope he loves who he's become and becomes. and i'm still sad