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@chewingbatmanlikeasqueakytoy
Crazy how many people want characters in fiction to speak and act like they’ve had 20 hours of intensive therapy. Could NOT be me I want these bitches fucked up insane
my friend briar and i lovingly call this one ‘therapy speak joker’ and it almost caused her to drop biological samples one time
i think the joker should start talking like this for real. no other character should do this only the joker. i want batman to have to deal with this
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I think more people need to play around with Damian's speech. Don't get me wrong, I love the antiquated Victorian child style of speech, but also he's a teenager that swears plenty in the comics. We really need more scenes like:
Damian: Father, I regret to inform you that I have been assigned in-school suspension for the next three days.
Bruce: What, why?!
Damian: My classmate Kevin was disparaging a female classmate for turning him down, so I called him 'a rizz-less, basic-ass neckbeard bitch' and said I was going to fuck his mom and give her a son she'd actually love.
Bruce: *is completely speechless*
Damian: That is all I needed to tell you. If you will excuse me, I have homework to complete before dinner and patrol.
It's raining nonstop where I am so I'm just picturing the Batfam during a flood.
Red Robin uploads a TikTok from the safety of a roof saying "watch him go!" As Red Hood keeps trying to drive his bike against the current. A big wave comes by and he's slowly dragged downhill. The caption reads "don't drive during floods".
Batman and Robin are on the ground helping civilians out of cars when the intensity doubles and in minutes Damian goes from wading knee deep in the water to swimming. The emergency batfloaties get triggered and he floats away as Bruce fails to grab him by half an inch. "Robin serenely drifting in the current" becomes a meme.
Someone takes a picture of a very flustered spoiler trying to squeeze the water out of her cape. The second she lets go the weight of the water makes her fall ass over backwards. Black Bat ends up giving her her waterproof cape.
Signal makes mirages of sharks in the water to scare the shit out of any criminals. Oracle uploads the recordings with Benny hill as background music. Bludhaven escapes the worst of the storm and Nightwing sends pictures to the group chat patting the barely wet concrete just to rub it in. He still slips on a puddle and eats shit, Barbara sends that to the group chat.
people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.
you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.
like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.
wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?
batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing
the league:
batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*
the league:
batman:
batman: *coughs awkwardly*
superman: *sighs*
batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-
superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.
the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?
wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.
superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.
batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me
green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?
'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.
they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.
wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?
batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.
wonder woman:
green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?
superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.
the league:
batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...
the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?
'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.
the league, concerned:
superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-
batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!
superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.
bonus
the league, squinting at batman:
the league: ...
superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*
the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*
duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?
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young justice if it was even funnier
JL finding out bat secrets, but it's in the most simple ways.
Barry: how old do you think Robin is?
Oliver: you met him last week, he's like 12
Barry: yeah but like, he was 14-ish when we started the justice league
Hal: maybe he's an immortal vampire like batman
Nightwing: that's ridiculous
Hal: we have aliens and gods on this team. Why not vampires?!
Wally: can't be immortal if he was 14 then but 12 now
Barry: I've cracked it, there's more than one
Oliver: Your genius amazes and astounds
Barry: So the first Robin should be like 30 by now
Dick: WHAT
Dick: 30! IM 26
Dick now in crisis: I AM NOT THAT OLD YET
Barry: Hold on, wha-
*Wally silently laughing at Dick despite them being almost the same age*
Oliver: Were you Robin?!?!?!
Dick: I can't believe this betrayal! It's called mid 20's and you're no longer invited to Christmas Ollie!
Oliver: I was invited to your Christmas!?!
Wally: Well, not anymore you're not
Hal: Can I come?
Dick: that's up to Batman
Hal:...
Dick: Coward, this is why you aren't invited to family Christmas
Barry: YOURE RELATED TO BATMAN?!
Oliver: I WAS INVITED TO BATMANS FAMILY CHRISTMAS?!?!?!
The wildest thing about Ben 10 is that it took until 2005 for someone to have the idea "what if a kid could turn into a bunch of aliens" like this isn't obviously the coolest and most marketable premise for anything ever. Each design is a new toy. A new powerset. Come on.
But to prove that it wasn't a fluke, they continued to have the best ideas for every aspect of it. How does he transform? A cool watch you can also sell as a toy. That watch's name? Omnitrix. Say it. It's so satisfying. How many aliens? Ten. Nice round number. The kid's name? Ben. The show's name? Ben Ten. His full name is Benjamin Tennyson, a normal, plausible name, but he also turns into 10 aliens.
Bigger brands dream about this synergy. Better writers would kill for this coherence. So holistic. So intuitive. The identity alone!!! The retro alien sound motif? Chilling. The green? Any other color would be wrong. The kirby krackle pattern? It seems so obvious in retrospect. The roadtrip format? Genius. Lesser writers would've done the spider-man high school thing. His arch nemesis being Cthulhu darth vader? Inspired, iconic, intimidating!
The execution has its highs and lows, but the idea??? Game changing. So self-evident that it seems inevitable. If Ben 10 didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
And in every possible iteration he would have a rival named Kevin Eleven.
Ra’s, admiring the Batfamily from afar: how does Bruce inspire such LOYALTY without compromising skill and endurance?
Bruce, back in the Cave: if you can do this handstand for five minutes straight I’ll teach you how to dislocate someone’s elbow without breaking it
Tim, shaking like a chihuahua: and?
Bruce, sighing: and afterwards we can run the evac simulator together
Tim now upside down: with—
Bruce: —with popcorn, yes
Deaged 20yo Bruce meeting 19yo Jason would be the most unhinged pairing I cannot begin to imagine how emotionally and psychologically messed up they could get
Jason: “—and then Joker killed me.”
20 year old Bruce, fresh off LoA training: “So then you killed him, right?”
Jason: “What? No. You told me I couldn’t.”
Bruce: “Huh.”
Jason: “You don’t kill people. It’s kind of your rule.”
Bruce, letting out a bitter laugh: “Really?”
Jason: “Why are you laughing?”
Bruce: “I’ve killed people, Jason. A lot of people.”
Jason:
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the plot point of ‘Talia and Jason forget to tell Damian to keep his mouth shut about stuff before he goes to Gotham and then Damian absolutely fucks shit up accidentally’ is so golden to me. Damian’s out here collecting stories from his Ahki like a sponge and then absolutely RUINING the man’s tight nit confidentiality. amonth after Damian doesn’t realise the family thought Jason was dead and outs his status as alive, they’re all in the cave while Bruce talks about his ‘no metas’ rule, and Damian who is hearing this for the first time looks up from the batcomputer with the most confused look on his face.
Damian: what about Todd?
Bruce: what about Jason?
Jason, over Bruce’s shoulder: *violently gesturing for Damian to shut the fuck up*
Tim: him coming back to life doesn’t count as being a meta, it doesn’t affect his abilities.
Damian, visibly second guessing himself while eyeing Jason’s face of promised murder: I was referring to the magic swords but… i sense i should not have…
Bruce:
Tim:
Jason:
Dick:
Bruce: his what now?
Jason, to Damian: see this is why Talia SENT YOU AWAY.
Damian: you people really need to start telling me the things you want kept a secret from the rest of the family.
I'M CRYING, LOOK AT CLARK'S FACE WHEN LOIS GETS KRYPTONIAN POWERS
CLARK KENT IS THE REIGNING CHAMP OF BEING LOIS LANE'S #1 FAN THAT IS A MAN THAT IS ABSOLUTELY OVER THE MOON THAT HIS WIFE IS SO COOL AND STRONG AND AWESOME HE IS SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW JUST WATCHING HER THIS IS THE BEST OF OF HIS LIFE
"Oh, Damian was such an asshole" "The bats tried to integrate him he's just ungrateful!" "He had no reason to be as rough or rude as he was"
If I was raised as a prince and suddenly got sent away to the most corrupt, dangerous, and disgusting city in bumfuck New Jersey, I would be worse. The fact that he didn't burn that bitch down makes him a better man than I could ever be
If anything, he didn't crash out enough
And also like he was treated as an adult while with his mom (not necessarily always a good thing) to suddenly being treated as a small child with his dad (also not necessarily a good thing). He lost a lot of agency. The culture was different, the food was different, there were different expectations around what 'good' behavior looked like. He was not given a lot of grace. I feel like most people would have crashed out in that environment.
And like there were instances of him being trapped in the manor/cave in the early days and like...imagine your someone who is used to, at the very least, being treated as competent and you're suddenly not treated that way and nobody is explaining things very well to you. And these people you don't know very well yet, who have done nothing to earn your trust, are trapping you? Like they won't let you leave?
And I get the whole thing from the other character's perspectives too. Damian was not an easy kid, he's not going to open up or be overly patient or understanding. And the stakes are high, he can and will murder. But like...I don't know.
Bruce truly hates magic with every pump and beat of his heart.
What kinda curse is Slang, anyway?
“This is the best day of my life.”
“Bro really thought he ate with that.” Bruce physically feels a full body shiver, charged with nausea and cringe. “This is level 10 cringe. Can’t have shit in Gotham.”
Dick is his earth bound angel, but he laughs like a demon at him, holding onto Jason for support, pledging his eternal loyalty to Zatana and her pettiness.
—
“Hey, old bat, hook me up with an adrenaline shot.”
What he wants to say is Jay, do not try and fight with 6 bullets in your stomach.
What comes out instead, through Bruce’s grit teeth and intense, fierce glaring, “Not you trying to go back to your corpse era. See how I only took 2 shots? Very demure. Very mindful.”
Jason passes out from blood loss, but mostly laughter.
—
“Chat, is this real?”
Stephanie barely bites back a full belly cackle. “I think he just asked us if we copied.”
“I wish I was Jason, 15.”
—
“This is not a slay environment. Killing is flop behavior.” He keeps his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands. Trying to convince Damian not to stab someone doesn’t seem to work.
Damian gives him a pat like he’s a pitiful cat. “I’ll only stab the non lethal areas.”
“God, I wish that were me.”
joke’s on everyone sending me shit because I’m going to Jewishpost about Bruce Wayne even harder now.
reasons I think Bruce Wayne is a Jewish Dad (non-canon reasons, just things he does that remind me of Jewish Dads I know):
he has longstanding beef with multiple people downtown but won’t explain
currently walking around with an injury he should’ve seen a doctor about at least two years ago
observing his kid do something stupid and hurt themselves “why did you do that?”
either has no adult friends at all or has a bunch but they’re all kinda weird so he never brings them up
happiest with the NYT crossword and coffee strong enough to pass as rocket fuel
loves his children. has trouble saying this out loud, explicitly, to his children
can fall asleep anywhere
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Dick: I just saw Tim get hit by a car today, get up, scream "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS" and run off. If that isn't life, I don't know what is.
It was a safety switch
So I'm actually obsessed with the idea that the "on" button Danny hit going into the portal wasn't actually an on button like one you get in a computer.
In basically any legally compliant workspace where I am (and I think in the western world broadly) you get these big red EMERGENCY STOP buttons that tend to be every few feet and on every machine so if something goes wrong people don't have to run far to make what ever's going wrong stop going wrong
Now to me that thing looks pretty much exactly like this thing
With a different layout, but the big red button is the subject of interest
Jack and Maddie seem to have cartoon consistency in their lab safety protocols, which checks out honestly given that's what they are, but It makes sense to me that they didn't so much put the ON button on the inside of the portal as that they flipped the power off to finish the final checks on the portal and then
Forgot About The Emergency Stop
(Incase people dont know, emergency stop buttons stop all the machinery it's attatched to. This can be anything from Only One Machine to literally an entire floor or building depending on the levels of "oh shit everything needs to stop RIGHT NOW." They're usually 'released' at a seperate point which can be anything from the keys in the panel above to a seperate button/keypad. Or, like the ones we had in our high school, the original red button that was pushed but you had to twist it to get it to pop back up. Kind of like a weird child lock)
So I'm proposing that the Fenton Parents, instead of being idiots in their planning and putting the on switch somewhere insane when they were drawing the schematics, actually built in a safety feature they forgot they tripped
Essentially, the Fenton parents were EXTRA safe in their lab and it half killed Danny
