I feel so alone today

I think the thing with that guy is making me overly paranoid. Hopefully it will go away. Hopefully the feelings will stop. I want to be able to feel safe. I don't like going places and having people know me when I don't know them. It used to feel really cool and flattering. But now I feel unsafe about it. I don't like it these days. I guess it's always been a little strange. I guess I've been hiding for a while now. Over a year or so I've been avoiding social scenes in the city. Because I'm afraid of people. I'm probably over thinking all of this. It probably sounds stupid. I've just had so many people cross boundaries with me.

My heart is so heavy. It hurts existing here. I feel so alone tonight. I'm scared. I don't know who I can trust. I'm not handling notability well. I want to share. I want to connect. I want to be liked. But I don't know to what extent is safe. I don't trust people. Part of me wants to delete everything and go back to how I was before I got social media. God I'm so fucking scared. I was driving home from an event tonight and had a full on panic attack. I saw a car accident, and all of a sudden got a terrible feeling like I shouldn't be driving. It is probably just paranoia but I couldn't shake it. I had to stop half way and stay at a friend's house. I'm so thankful for him. I don't think I could have made it home. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I can't imagine sleeping at my house tonight. There's a part of me that can't imagine not being life partners with Dallas. I know our relationship wasn't working and I know it couldn't keep going on the way it was. But inside of me still exists the girl who thought she'd spend her life with him. It feels tragic to her. It feels like everything I thought I knew was wrong. I do miss him. I miss who we were. I miss feeling safe. I'm so hurt.

I'm very depressed today. I slept a lot. I don't want to be here and do any of this

It's wild how one experience can turn everything on its head. Something happened half a week ago and it's caused the following days to be chaotic. Including today. I'm trying to get things back on track. I'm trying to remind myself that I can resurrect any day at any time. That I just need to adjust my thinking. Here we go

I keep getting fevers. I really need to go to the doctor

We got this

I'm so afraid of dying. Being alive is so scary and this world and existence is cruel. It's 4am. I'm only here for such a small time. I hope I do whatever I'm supposed to do. I hope everything turns out okay. I want everyone to be okay.

I'm awake again. It's pouring outside. I need to sleep but I can't. My mom moved out of my parents. She's staying with a friend. I'm happy for her and I hope everything turns out in her favor.

I'm going to write until I fall asleep. It's 3am and I feel wide awake. Last night there was a Lunar Halo Cross. Basically the light coming off the moon creates a cross like shine. It's caused by ice crystals in the atmosphere. I couldn't sleep last night and I saw it when I peaked out my window. I get so much anxiety when I sleep in bed with other people. I always wake up and toss and turn. I never do that if I sleep by myself. I don't think I want to be in a situation where I'm sharing a bed with someone else for awhile. I enjoy getting adequate sleep. I always thought sleeping alone in my own place, that I would wake up with anxiety. Turns out it's the other way around. I feel really uncomfortable being alive and I'm afraid of dying. I don't understand why I'm here or why things are the way they are. I'm still trying though. I hope I can learn to make myself and others happy. I hope I can learn how to proper care for myself so I can help care for others. Dallas messaged me the other day and said he didn't understand what happened to us. That I used to be his best friend and the person he wanted to spend all his time with. I kind of share a similar sentiment. When I simply look at where we used to be and look at where we are now. There is quite the discrepancy. But when I look at everything in-between, it makes sense. We grew apart. Became different people. We hurt each other. It really does break my heart that things ended up this way. This isn't what I wanted or was planning on happening. But I hope going through all of this will be something we both can learn from. I want him to be so happy and I want him to find himself. I think we both have a lot of searching and growing up to do. When my stomach feels good, my brain feels good. I need to clean out my fridge. Go grocery shopping. Send out packages. Announce the workshop with Jackie, do my laundry, get the scoby from Madison, I NEED TO SEND OUT THOSE PRINTS My medication for my ADD makes me clench my teeth more than I already do. It's making it hard to sleep. I went and saw my little brothers first apartment today. Aric showed up too. It was nice spending time with my brothers. I hope they like hanging out with me

I love plants. They make sense. They make me feel like I belong on this planet

I love my praying mantis so much

It's so much easier to hide away from people. That way, you can't say anything stupid, anything you'll regret, anything people can use against you. I know it's not healthy, but it's easier. When I engage in social interaction, especially in groups and especially when I drink, I spend the whole next day wishing it didn't happen. Trying to remember everything I said, wondering if I was being authentic, if I said anything that offended anyone, if I talked too much.

I don't want kids but having mantises make me feel like a mom. I spend way too much time watching them and looking at photos of them when I'm not with them. They do the cutest things and I love interacting with them.