Cherry

You have no idea how the sound of your voice makes me feel. The vibrations from your vocal cords travel through my spine, leaving chills all through out my melting body. The movement of your tongue when you roll your R’s creates water falls, while simultaneously making my eyes roll back so far I can now see a new constellation of stars forming. As your voice rises, you take my soul along for the ride leaving me breathless. You have no idea what the sound of your voice does to me.

I can’t wait to love myself enough to realize that it is unhealthy to cling on to the ‘thought’ of you being the one for me.

This is a message to my insecurities, a message to the one thing that killed me time and time again without cutting my air supply. This is a message to you, the one thing I was able to kill without being sentenced to life. This is a message to the one thing I am willing to bring back to life just to murder it again with the same hands, strength, and power it once crippled. This is a message to you, from the prey that pulled a gun on it’s predator.

I threw coins into the wishing well, hoping some change would come into this life I blindly painted for myself. I trusted in the luck of this 1996 coin more then I trusted in my ability to shift the fate of my own life.

This a message to the old me, young me, naive me. You will power through the motions this rocky life will put you through. There will days where the waves will be so damn high, your initial reaction will be to give up and let them consume you. There will be days where the sun will be shining as bright as the smile you fake. You will want the thoughts that come after midnight to seize, you will want to be numb. But you do not realize that this voyage, this rough boat ride, will end. You will come out strong, and will shed that plastic shell, you will not have to fake being happy anymore. Soon you will realize that your thoughts will be used to create art, art that will be put together into pretty sentences, slapped on pages and exposed to thousands to read, soon you will realize that there is nothing wrong with getting lost in your own mind, past midnight.

If the ocean gave you the chance to breathe beneath it’s surface, would you take it? When I accepted your love it felt like I was taking that exact chance. The beauty below your surface was intoxicating. Your touch would leave me drifting without a sense of direction. Your power surrounded me, your love dragged me to the bottom of your darkest corners and left me convinced that out in the real world there could not be any other like it. Until it drowned me. With the same speed it gave me the chance to breathe under it, it cut my oxygen and watched me suffocate. The beauty, the mystery, the calmness of your currents witnessed a murder. A murder that left not visible wounds, a murder that left a body intact, no evidence for the next victim to find.

I’m scared to look at the reflection in the mirror. She stares at me, taps on the glass and yells at me. Silent cries , silent pleas for help, she wants the violence that my own thoughts manifest into sharp words that cut and create invisible scars, to seize. She bangs in that glass every time with no hesitation, just asking for a chance to be loved by the person standing on the other side of her reflection.

I am clingy, but enjoy my own space, I am a hopeless romantic, but Im blind to the reality of what love is, I am a day dreamer, I am goofy, I am shy, but I speak my mind when the time is right. I am not perfect, my flaws out shine my virtues from time to time. I am tainted by insecurities, but blessed with the love I try to give myself. I am complex, but these are all the things that make me human.

I’ve realized that I am built like candle wax. I can be exposed to the toxic thoughts the cross my mind, toxic individuals that I let in my life, the toxic opinions that filter through at times. I can be completely broken down, liquified by these wild fires, but at the end of the day I can rebuild myself. Maybe not to my original form, maybe not completely put together, but I’m strong enough to pick myself up after being put through life’s flames.