cherry

when joel felt that sharp pain through his neck on that cold new years day right outside of jackson, he thought he was done for. but the universe has a funny way of working, doesn't it?

it's been thought that before death, the brain is still active for seven minutes in order to view memories, to see if there is a way to get out of the situation that you are in.

joel's seven minutes felt like a lifetime. he saw the moment his dad told him "i hope you do a little better than me." joel saw the day his little girl was born, the day that same little girl won nationals, then he saw the day his little girl was brutally ripped from him. he saw the years he had with tess and tommy, and he saw the moment another girl was placed in his life. he saw the years he had with the girl that reminded him so much of his little girl that was taken from him too soon.

ellie...oh, baby girl.

and now. he sees himself laying face down on the floor of this goddamn ski lodge. he feels warmth on his cheek and his hand. he tries. oh he tries...to move, to hold her back, but he can't. he can't move. then, he feels nothing. he just feels so...light.

the warmth moves. it's not only on his back and hand, now it's everywhere. he can move again...does this mean...no. it can't...

"hi, dad."

joel stands up. his body feels weightless, but his heart is as heavy as can be. his girl. his first baby girl is standing in front of him. her dark curls are as big and as bouncy as they were on his fatal birthday. she has a smile on her face. it's been...what, 26 years? but she has not changed a bit. her face is still full and round, not hardened by almost 30 years of the apocalypse. her eyes are big and bright. almost like she's been waiting for him.

"i've missed you," sarah says. her arms open, and joel falls. tears well up in his eyes and he is simply filled with too much love to bear.

"y-you, you're here?" he asks. "oh, baby girl," he cries. joel just holds her. the pain has left him, and then, all at once, he hears it. sarah's eyes shift to behind him, and, still in her arms, joel turns.

as he turns around, he is transported back into that godforsaken ski lodge. he is looking at his almost-daughter cradling his bludgeoned and broken body as she wails. he has never heard a sound as broken as what is coming out of ellie's mouth. not when she killed david, not when she burnt her bite mark, and certainly not when he came clean to her the night before. she is holding joel's corpse like it is her lifeline. the sounds coming out of her mouth are almost not human.

while watching the scene, joel can feel more tears welling up. "can-can i help her?" he looks up to sarah, "please...i-i can't leave her. she needs me!" he wails.

"shhhh," sarah comforts, holding her father, "dad, i promise, she will be okay." sarah lowered her head to be at ear level with her father. she whispers, "she forgives you."

i have a few:

the first one being the fact that joel fucking died thinking that ellie hated his guts and that she was going to die next

the second is that joel had to live in his house knowing that his daughter was living outside, and she hated him

joel had been watching ellie interact around jackson, and while he thought that yes, she can handle herself when seth called her a slur, he firmly believed that she would like the fact that he stood up for her. she did not.

joel kept a space book next to his bed that he would read everynight as a way to prep if ellie ever wanted to talk again, and as a way to feel close to her

joel would often have nightmares about losing ellie the same way that he lost sarah, and he would get them mixed up in his dreams.

one morning, he woke up a little late, not having patrol, and for a split second, he thought that both of his little girls were down the hallway because he heard a little girl laughing in the street