Tinychels

what does love look like the therapist asks
one week after the breakup 
and i’m not sure how to answer her question
except for the fact that i thought love 
looked so much like you

that’s when it hit me 
and i realized how naïve i had been 
to place an idea so beautiful on the image of a person
as if anybody on this entire earth 
could encompass all love represented
as if this emotion seven billion people tremble for 
would look like a five foot eleven 
medium-sized brown-skinned guy
who likes eating frozen pizza for breakfast

what does love look like the therapist asks again
this time interrupting my thoughts midsentence 
and at this point i’m about to get up 
and walk right out the door 
except i paid far too much money for this hour 
so instead i take a piercing look at her 
the way you look at someone 
when you’re about to hand it to them 
lips pursed tightly preparing to launch into conversation 
eyes digging deeply into theirs
searching for all the weak spots 
they have hidden somewhere
hair being tucked behind the ears 
as if you have to physically prepare for a conversation
on the philosophies or rather disappointments 
of what love looks like

well I tell her 
i don’t think love is him anymore 
if love was him 
he would be here wouldn’t he 
if he was the one for me 
wouldn’t he be the one sitting across from me 
if love was him it would have been simple 
i don’t think love is him anymore i repeat 
i think love never was 
i think i just wanted something 
was ready to give myself to something 
i believed was bigger than myself 
and when i saw someone 
who could probably fit the part 
i made it very much my intention 
to make him my counterpart

and i lost myself to him 
he took and he took 
wrapped me in the word special 
until i was so convinced he had eyes only to see me 
hands only to feel me 
a body only to be with me 
oh how he emptied me

how does that make you feel 
interrupts the therapist 
well i said 
it kind of makes me feel like shit

maybe we’re all looking at it wrong 
we think it’s something to search for out there
something meant to crash into us 
on our way out of an elevator 
or slip into our chair at a café somewhere
appear at the end of an aisle at a bookstore 
looking the right amount of sexy and intellectual 
but i think love starts here
everything else is just desire and projection 
of all our wants needs and fantasies 
but those externalities could never work out 
if we didn’t turn inward and learn 
how to love ourselves in order to love other people

love does not look like a person
love is our actions 
love is giving all we can 
even if it’s just the bigger slice of cake
love is understanding 
we have the power to hurt one another 
but we are going to do everything in our power 
to make sure we don’t 
love is figuring out all the kind sweetness we deserve 
and when someone shows up

saying they will provide it as you do 
but their actions seem to break you 
rather than build you 
love is knowing whom to chose

”