CAUTION. Deep Excavation.

It’s been a year since she had felt something special for him. As days goes by they became closer, they’ve known each other deeper, and became so close. But one year seems not enough, because she still feels confused. She kept on wondering, “What are we now?”, “what comes next?”. But she kept waiting for that right moment.

At times, she wanted to step back, thinking that might be the best thing to do, for him to somehow learn to treasure her. Though she feels special, loved and treasured by him, there’s still something lacking. She’s left hanging.

But that doesn’t stop her from falling deeper because as day goes by, she is falling harder. And the deeper she loves, the more pain it is giving her.

They say loving is a deadly thing, so we have to make sure its worth dying for.

She hope she made the right choice when she choose to open her heart for him. Because she already laid her guard down, she’s now vulnerable.

But at the end of the day, she still keeps holding on hoping that one day, all of this things will be worth it. Thinking that maybe God is just taking His precious time preparing her and him for the great promise. So that when He decides to grant that promise to both of them, they will learn to treasure and keep it forever.

August 15, 2014

We attended mass together and the homily says like this, “Look at the hands of God working through your past and look forward to the brighter future that awaits you.”

I don’t know but I have this feeling that God wants to tell us something out of the priest’ homily. I may not know it now but surely God will reveal that to me soon.

Then as we travel on our way home, I noticed a truck ahead of us with a sign board “Maybe This Time” and I just smiled. And to my surprise, I heard him singing the song maybe this time and he sang it loudly, “Maybe now they can be more than just friends…”

And we ended up singing the song together even without music, and take note, we are in the middle of a heavy traffic at that moment.

I don’t want to give myself false hopes but until I hear God telling me to stop I will never stop because I know He holds my future. For now, I will just treasure every moment with him because maybe, just maybe, if God permits, I will be able to look back on those memories and be able to thank God for granting my prayers of having him as my God’s Gift :)

And by the way, for the past 4 years I never prayed to God for a man to be my special someone but today, I sincerely asked God, if He would allow, to give me the privilege to have a deeper relationship to this man. It’s as if I was asking the approval of my Heavenly Father for me to have this man.

And if He wills it, no matter how complicated the situation is, it will prosper.

Last night, him and I was texting. We were talking about how he felt about his break up with his ex girlfriend, how angry he was, and what does he do to become better. And upon conversing with him, I suddenly felt a bit sadness and doubt if we could ever have any chance together because I can feel his deep feelings for his ex.

But upon browsing my facebook news feed, God, again comforted me with His promises through the messages from different wall posts...

God is always reminding me to be faithful in my prayers and upon reading that messages I felt a peace :)

And this morning as we travel going to work God affirmed me of His promise through the signs again on the jeepneys, I saw three "Gift of God" signs again on three different jeepneys. It might seem funny and impossible but it's true and I was truly amaze of His ways of talking to me :)

(photo was taken at google only because I can't take a picture while we were travelling, it wasn't safe :)

For more than four years I’ve been single, without any attachments at all. It’s maybe not because I’m not admirable enough but because I promised myself that I won’t commit to someone that God doesn’t allowed me to. I am willing to wait for the man that God willingly give to me in His perfect time.

At times I’m wondering if I am really on the vocation of married life because I’m not easily attracted to any man even if they are pursuing me with their full effort.

Until one day, love knocks on the closed door of my heart. But situation is not that easy but surely it’s worth it.

The first day I’ve noticed I like this man was the day we traveled together with our other church mates at Monasterio De Tarlac last July 27, 2014. That same day, I saw a bus with a sign that says, “God’s Gift” plus a 2015 date at the lower part. And deep inside I talked to God and tell Him, “Is this Your way of telling me that my God’s Gift would be given to me on 2015?”

Btw, in our Singles For Christ community we use to call bf/gf as GG (God’s Gift)

Then days passed … August 12, 2014 morning, when we are on our way to work, (I am riding at his motorbike) I was praying, asking God if he is the right person for me and suddenly I saw a jeepney with a sign that says “Gift of God”. I ignored that but as we go home that same day I saw again another jeepney with that sign “Gift of God”

Well you can say that it’s just coincidence but this morning, August 13, 2014, I prayed again, asking God this time if I should stop myself from loving that man but this time, I saw 2 different jeepneys with the sign that says, “Gift of God” plus another one that has “God’s Gift” sign at the front of it.

I wanted to ignore it but I had hope. Because I know I prayed and it seems like God is answering me through those little signs.

As of now, things were complicated between the two of us and I don’t think that the situation is right so I still need to pray harder and wait for God’s GO signal, as Jesus said…

"When you are right and the situation is wrong, take it SLOW…"

I am willing to wait :)

I’m reminding myself to fall slowly. Because if I fall deeply, I might get hurt. But I wanted to take the risk and be brave enough to let the feelings grow and just see what will happen next.

Whenever I’m jumping into futuristic thinking, I feel like losing hope. Knowing that this someone that I like loves somebody from his past.

But why should I worry? God already knows my future. I may not know it yet but surely it is the best.

As of now, I will just put my eyes into Someone who never cease to love me unconditionally. I will fix my heart on His promise that if I will say YES to Him I will not just receive everything but the best of everything.

For after all the sacrifices comes happiness and at the end of the day all the pains will be worth it.

For years this lady hasn’t felt the butterflies inside her stomach. Hasn’t smiled thinking over a man. Most of the times she’s wondering, “Will I ever fall in love again?” And sometimes she just accepted the fact of becoming single for many years.

It’s not that she is undesirable. Not because no one ever liked her. Actually, this girl also can’t figure out what is wrong. Is it the men out there or is it her?

Maybe after experiencing her past relationships, she closed the door thru her heart. Not just because she is afraid to get hurt but more likely because she is afraid that somebody might get hurt because of her.

But unexpectedly, the heart that was closed suddenly felt like there is somebody who dares to open it. Or maybe this lady wants to take the risk and open the door for that guy.

But sometimes, life is ironic. Life is complicated, indeed. Because she was falling for somebody whom she’s not suppose to fall for because it might turn her life upside down.

Imagine falling in love with the past boyfriend of your close friend and it seems that the guy still love that friend of yours. What if the girl realized that she still love the guy and come back to him. What will happen to the lady who opened the closed door of her heart?

But still, she’s willing to take the risk. Anyway, this feelings never felt in just a blink. It was felt after a long period of time. If it won’t work, it’s okay. God will surely heal the pain. But if she pushed through, maybe, just maybe.. This will become the next guy who will made her realize the real desire of her heart. Maybe, just maybe….