chavaleiba

April comes and goes, but Spring is still eluding us. 

Any of the motivation I felt upon awaking has deflated at the sight of rain clouds, shadows cast through every window of the apartment until they gray is inside too. 

Work is slow going. Music isn’t helping. Now what?

I guess I’ll just take a deep breath...and keep looking out for the sun. 

G-d tells Avraham to go forth from his birthplace;

Hence, mankind begins its journey,

And odyssey of cosmic proportions.

Because there is light buried inside every moment,

A spark that waits, holding its breath, 

For us to chance upon it,

To be redeemed.

There are some, like Avrohom,

Who have vision.

They know exactly where they are needed,

And when.

There are others, like me,

Who stumble sideways and backward

Hoping for the Divine guidance

That will reveal to me

Where it is that I belong.

it wasn’t until I moved to cleveland that it hit me:

new york is not a city, it is an identity

with a metro card as your passport you can embark

on a journey to anywhere

in a rush, no matter where you are going

before you take off, memorizing a map of distinct discernment

bushwick. tribeca. chelsea. kombucha. slate. herschel. strand.

a rapid induction into a lexicon of lifestyles 

with a litany of laws:

bricks exposed, light bulbs bare, drinking everything out of mason jars

desperate not to be like everyone else

but 500 miles from the empire state, every cup of maxwell house mocks my carefully crafted individuality

every walmart i pass threatens my specific thrift-shop selfhood

and every honda accord parked in its two-car garage reminds me that i don’t belong here

or maybe that i am afraid i will

it means waking up before your alarm,

a four-minute shower,

eating the same thing every morning:

two eggs, a piece of toast, black coffee.

because there is no mental space for such decisions,

with much to be conquered

and competition on all sides.

as the twenty-four hours race to an end

no time for the heady satisfaction of today’s accomplishment.

tomorrow is approaching quickly 

No. “I am Havaya and I do not change.” Don’t let the muggles get you down. They don’t mean to be rude, they just don’t understand witchcraft or wizardry. And whatever you do, don’t apologize, ever, for being the glorious mess that you are.

Also, let’s go camping this weekend.

What if this sunshine only knows how to pervade? What if the brightness doesn’t understand the space you’ve outlined for it? 

Maybe it’s too full and too fast and too far and too happy and too soon and too honest and too much and everything all at once. 

This is your mission because only you are strong enough. 

Entrusted because I trust you. 

Why the fear? 

You can’t fail because it’s yours.

This isn’t about being holy; this is me and this is you. Us. 

Are you mine? I ask from the bottom of my heart.

Don’t let me down.

Find your moments of freedom. You may not be capable of effecting world peace and global harmony, but it doesn’t matter–you are the messiah. 

With your radiant eyes, you’ll bring redemption to the downtrodden, salvation to the sparks.

How much longer will we wait?

“Get your act together, Chava,” I whispered into the mirror.

The look of despair on my face intensified. “I don’t know if I can do that on my own,” I confessed. 

What I do know is that I pray every day for a return to the equilibrium that radiated before chaos and order spiraled us into this cacophony of connection and estrangement.

I hope I have the strength to find the shattered fragments, to see how they all match up. How monotony and instability can be friends. How thunder and stillness can be soul mates. 

How we can sharpen the pencil, and be whole again. 

The voices in my head speak 

When I am about to get off the bus: you left your bag! go back and get it About to close my phone: she’ll be upset if you don’t confirm plans; answer her now! When I am about to fall asleep: forgot to turn off the kitchen light; out of bed, you! When I am about to leave my friend’s house: left your charger is plugged in; take it! When I am about to get charged a late fee: pay your credit card bill today!

These reminders are helpful most of the times and slightly irritating some of the time. But never do they fail to surprise me.

I wonder, is that how adulthood ascended—slowly, and then all at once?

always she

went to sleep long 

after her bedtime

could not help it for there existed 

inside of her an infinite urge 

to create

but never she

went to sleep satisfied 

due to the fact that

imprinted on her heart

was a formidable wanderlust

as the night grew darker

then lighter

she grew more restless

wondering

what if she never stopped 

creating and

how would she feel if 

she spent her whole life

forever exploring

Confronted by a crossroads

Not for a moment did she waver

For she knew exactly