Scotty

Scott gave Jamie a soft smile when he said he hadn’t considered the love he had for his friends as love, his smile turning a touch rueful when Jamie pointed out none of his mates had ever said they loved him. “No, it’s not awful. And you’re not a terrible mate. Blokes tend to be pretty shit about talking about our feelings, but we should be telling our mates we love them more. I should be. And I do love you,” Scott added with a gentle smile. “I never had siblings, but I imagine I love you the same way I’d love a younger brother that I’m proud of.” Scott felt like an idiot for never saying that before now. But at least Jamie didn’t seem shocked at the concept of his friends loving him. “And I know you love me and Theo and Cal. Romantic love is just a different version of that. Sort of like—how you feel about your best friend, so Theo probably, but deeper than that. And if you also wanted to hold his hand and kiss him.” Which, Scott realized as soon as he said it, was a terrible example. He should not be saying anything about a bloke kissing a bloke. Especially not his best mate. Not that that was what he was saying. And he wasn’t entirely convinced Jamie didn’t want to kiss a bloke. But he hadn’t said that and Scott did not need to be putting that out there. Or maybe he did need to, if Jamie was struggling this. Merlin he was a terrible role model. He took a long sip of the beer he ordered and hoped Jamie didn’t notice how weird what he’d just said was.

When Jamie had said his mates had never said they loved him he wasn't expecting Scott to take that as a thing to correct. He also wasn't expecting the proud of him comment. Or the way he felt a little emotional over all of it. He was fully prepared to tell Scott something along the lines of Scott being a better older brother than his own once he'd gotten past the lump in his throat. Instead Scott continued talking and Jamie got the surprise of his life. He sputtered, eyes wide. Scott just said it so casually. Even naming Theo. Then just took a drink waiting for Jamie to fess up to the fact that he was, at least by Scott's standards of love, in love with Theo. "I-" What did he even say to that? Jamie could lie. He lied a lot actually. Especially for a bloke so many people thought was a standup bloke. But he lies by omission, or skirting around the edges of the truth. He didn't like straight up lying. Especially not to someone he was close to. Someone who had confronted him with hte truth in such a direct way. Jamie could probably lie his way out of this. But if he did he wasn't sure he'd be able to look at Scott again without feeling guilty and sick over it. There was also the fact that he'd been so surprised he'd let that surprise show and that likely would make any lie even more obvious. "How did you know," he whispered, looking tense and worried. Clearly Scott didn't have a problem with it or so Jamie thought. But he couldn't help worrying Scott knew because he was obvious. It was a lot easier to hide things when he didn't like the bloke he was fooling around with. Even easier when he wasn't fooling around. Maybe being with Theo had made hiding things harder.

Fuck. Jamie was clearly thrown off by what Scott had just said, and Jamie being thrown was as sure a sign as anything that what Scott said had clearly been weird. Honestly what had he been thinking, trying to explain romantic love in terms of a bloke best mate you wanted to kiss? He might as well have just confessed to Jamie that he—nothing. There was nothing to confess. This was fine. Jamie was an easygoing bloke. Scott could walk this back, laugh it off. Only the way Jamie was looking at him kind of felt like it was reaffirming all off Scott’s fears about coming out. When Scott let himself daydream about coming out to the people in his life, Jamie had always been someone he imagined would take it well. The look Jamie was giving him was not that. But—it was fine. Scott could redirect this and deal with the hurt from that later, in private, after he made sure Jamie knew that had just been a stupid comment, a joke even. Scott was so busy panicking he almost missed Jamie’s whispered question. “I—what?” Scott asked, his panic and stress replaced with confusion that was clear on his face. “How did I know what?” Scott was baffled. He was the one who’d been weird. And even then all he’d said was that being in love was like how he felt about his best mate if he wanted to kiss him, that wasn’t even implying anything about Jamie. Unless Jamie wanted to—oh. Fuck. Was it—Theo? Realization flashed across his face before he schooled his expression as best he could. This was not Scott’s business. This was not something he wanted to know, because then he’d be faced with an impossible choice of telling Jamie about himself or not telling Jamie about himself. But he wasn’t sure he could walk this back. He wasn’t going to be dismissive when Jamie looked shell shocked. Fuck! “I wasn’t trying to imply anything,” Scott said softly, leaving it there. Offering Jamie an out without pushing for it. Bracing for the possibility that Jamie might say something that Scott couldn’t ignore or offer an out for.

It wasn't that Jamie thought the love he felt for his little brother or his mates was lesser than romantic love. If anything prior to his conversation with Theo he probably would have rated romantic love as the lesser. The thing was that Jamie hadn't really considered it love. Of course it was love, that was clear now. but he hadn't really given it thought prior to Scottie spelling it out for him. He'd always thought of it in terms like caring about them. "Is it very awful of me to admit that I never considered that love? It just wasn't a word that got used and I never stopped to consider love at all till recently. Even when I figured dad probably loved me, all of us, I didn't think too much about me. I mean you blokes have never said it to me, aside from maybe drunk, so I guess I'm not too terrible of a mate," he finished with a sheepish chuckle. That wasn't entirely true, Theo had said it but not in a mate way so it didn't count as a complete lie. As far as trusting his heart he wasn't sure he knew how to do that. In fact he had a new worry altogether, one he couldn't share with Scott. The worry of how to tell the difference between the kinds of love. Did wanting to do things with your mate change things or just add a level of confusion to them?

Scott gave Jamie a soft smile when he said he hadn’t considered the love he had for his friends as love, his smile turning a touch rueful when Jamie pointed out none of his mates had ever said they loved him. “No, it’s not awful. And you’re not a terrible mate. Blokes tend to be pretty shit about talking about our feelings, but we should be telling our mates we love them more. I should be. And I do love you,” Scott added with a gentle smile. “I never had siblings, but I imagine I love you the same way I’d love a younger brother that I’m proud of.” Scott felt like an idiot for never saying that before now. But at least Jamie didn’t seem shocked at the concept of his friends loving him. “And I know you love me and Theo and Cal. Romantic love is just a different version of that. Sort of like—how you feel about your best friend, so Theo probably, but deeper than that. And if you also wanted to hold his hand and kiss him.” Which, Scott realized as soon as he said it, was a terrible example. He should not be saying anything about a bloke kissing a bloke. Especially not his best mate. Not that that was what he was saying. And he wasn’t entirely convinced Jamie didn’t want to kiss a bloke. But he hadn’t said that and Scott did not need to be putting that out there. Or maybe he did need to, if Jamie was struggling this. Merlin he was a terrible role model. He took a long sip of the beer he ordered and hoped Jamie didn’t notice how weird what he’d just said was.

Jamie listened to Scott, nodding his head as he the older bloke spoke. It felt a little less haphazard when Scott talking about choices that led up to being in love. That made sense to him. Effort being behind it felt more right some how. Less like you'd get it wrong. Though he couldn't help sighing a little when Jamie finished talking. "Easy and natural. I swear it's like everyone got the same lesson in love and I somehow missed that day." Because Theo had talked about love like that too. "I mean what if..." Jamie stopped himself. He hadn't really thought of it when he'd talked about his own upbringing with Theo until Theo had made him feel like maybe that wasn't common. He didn't want Scott looking at him with pity. Though Scott probably already knew since he'd been around for all the ways his dad had tried to pull him back into the plan for his life after he'd graduated. And it wasn't like he was unusual. He knew other people whose parents didn't seem to be on the same page about love as Theo's. "What if it's something you can't do? You didn't inherit whatever it is that makes love easy and natural for people? How would you even know?" it was a worry that had been in the back of his mind. One he hadn't thought he'd be actually saying out loud. He didn't know if it was better or worse to have said it to Scott instead of Theo. It wasn't that Jamie thought he was broken or anything like that. It was more that despite all the ways he hadn't grown the way his dad wanted, the way his older brother had, the way their dad had tried to force his younger brother into to avoid another him, he was still a product of that upbringing. His father's son despite whatever of his mother he might have gotten. Jamie didn't even really know if he had gotten anything of his mother or if it had just been a result of the wound of losing her and his attempt to keep himself and his little brother from bleeding out from that loss. Maybe she hadn't been as soft as his faded memories. It was easy to believe given she'd married his father. It was entirely possible Jamie just wasn't someone who had it in him, whatever it was that made love easy and natural. After all it had been so easy to put off thinking about dating and marriage until he retired. It hadn't felt like an issue at all. Jamie had certainly never sounded or looked pained like Scott did about the subject, as if he wasn't single by choice but out of circumstances.

Jamie appreciated how Scott was so quick to continue the conversation despite his own lack of a love life. Which was something he had always just thought they had in common. Both of them focused more on quidditch then anything else. Except now it seemed like that wasn't the case for Scott. Confusing because Scott was a great bloke so finding someone couldn't be that hard. Or maybe the fame aspect made it difficult. He sure couldn't picture Scott with one of the women who hung around quidditch players. Despite Scott's willingness to talk about it Jamie felt like maybe they shouldn't. Only he didn't have many people he felt comfortable talking about something liek this with. Just Theo and Scott actually. He'd already talked to Theo. "Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm just confused I guess," he started. "After I left my dad's house I figured I'd be able to decide for myself when or if I dated, and everything that goes along with that. Including being in love. A choice to make, you know? And yeah lots of blokes date and whatever, be in love I guess. At least the ones who marry. Probably. But we don't usually talk about that stuff. They might say they're in love or that they love someone but that's about it. I'm not gonna judge a bloke for making that choice before his career is over. Except maybe it's not a choice? Or actually not maybe. It's not a choice. At least according to my mate who did talk about it." Mate felt safe because Theo was his best friend not just his boyfriend. "Now I'm just confused because if it's not a choice how do you know? What if you think you're in love but you're not? What if you tell someone you're in love with them and it turns out you aren't? What if you want to be in love with someone but it doesn't happen? How can people know for sure if it's just this chance thing that you get no say in? It's not that I didn't think love was serious before, honestly I didn't give it much thought but I sure wouldn't have just tossed it around like some blokes do. It's just if it's not a choice how do you know?" Jamie usually wasn't the one in conversations that talked the most. Even between him and Scott their conversations were usually pretty even in terms of how much they talked. But this love thing really had him confused. Also a little worried because the idea of hurting Theo felt terrible. The worst thing he could think of actually.