Wonder, Wander, Seek

Running away endlessly. It's not you, it's always me. I can't move forward, even when it's healthy. I'm waiting for you to abandon me. Cause really I'm not worth it, Just wait you'll see. The ones before you, They did it too. It's why I hide myself from you. Pretty girl, happy girl, Good little helper. You need this? You need that? No problem I've got it. But then I need you, when it starts to feel real. Now you see me, And you can't deal. That's your exit sign, That's your mark. And then you leave, Same story, with the same arch. Except my character doesn't develop, She stays the same. Repeats the cycle over and over again.

I feel at the end of a relationship there's so many conflicting emotions. In the end, it's all still over. I miss his phone calls I miss his earnestness I miss his frustration I miss making up I miss his arms His kisses His nook and heat I loved that he called me everyday.. Hours at a time I miss the connection I miss loving him I miss loving someone that was sincere and certain I miss him loving me I miss him cherishing me I miss him being mine I miss talking about our future I miss absolutely everything about him I miss his craziness His jealousy His drama His baiting and even him making me jealous I wish I could say it was healthy, I wish I could say it was right, I wish I could say he was the one for me, I wish I could take it all back, and I wish it never happened.. And I wish I could have all of it and I wish I could have none of it. There will always be a part of me that loved and was scared of the whole situation. I wasn't able or willing to be absolute in my love for him. His circumstances scared me.. His past did too.. Our future even scared me. Instead of pressure I wanted his patience and resolve and trust and hope .. And his faith. I needed time to grow with him and it all came crashing down

I’m still stuck. Unmotivated to commit, to let them in, to really be intimate. To let someone see me beyond what I give them, beyond what I let them see.

I'll give you just one day You get to feel what you need to for that day Tomorrow, you get back up You move on-- But for now, I know you just need that one day.

It’s almost been a year since I took your hand Since you led me on an adventure I wasn’t sure I could withstand I jumped and didn’t look back I did all the things I thought I missed out on I chose to follow my heart and take chances I’ll admit it broke me a bit To say goodbye to you To let the fantasy of us go To see something that felt right be completely wrong To face reality of what I thought I wanted and what I could really handle Forever was on the brink, but I was just at the beginning of finding out who I was.. Alone The latter won out and now we’re strangers

Give me strength,  Give me faith, I’m lost in this abyss, A beacon I can’t quite reach. I want to soar as high as you. I want to be weightless. No guilt. I want to feel what you feel.  I want to love without needing to know. I want to pour my sorrows on you. Your strength pulls me in, Your reassurance pulls me close. I’m scared to be too dependent, Cause that’s not what I do. I trust no one but me -- To get things done. If I give you some reign,  Does that mean you now have a stake in me? In my life? Do I owe you or is it love? How do I trust you? How do I trust anyone?

or have you moved on?