Charrie Critiques

Name: Magdalena Milijkovic (She prefers Lena)

Age: 31 at the start of the Avengers

Gender: Female

Nickname(s): Lena

Alias(es): None

Birth Date: April 4

Nationality: Sokovian

Occupation: Mechanical engineer at S.H.I.E.L.D

Alignment: Lawful Good? I believe I’ve said this on a previous profile, but I really don’t need alignments in character profiles. The information can easily be conveyed through the rest of your presentation.

Affiliation(s): S.H.I.E.L.D

The Character’s Appearance

A quick interjection: more than anything, this is beginning to look like a premade template that’s been filled in. I don’t have anything wrong with templates for your own use, but it’s a lot easier to present a character to an outside viewer without the use of a template.

Appearance: She is of average height, with fair skin. Her hair is light brown and slightly wavy, with square bangs. She has a round face, and she has a few freckles on her nose.

Clothing: She normally wears turtlenecks or blouses in bright colors and comfortable jeans, along with black shoes, except on the Helicarrier, where she wears the normal suit and a lab coat over it. 

Height: 5’6

Weight: 136 lbs

About the Character

Personality: Lena is ambitious and very devoted to her work. She’s very loyal if she thinks you’ve earned it, and she’s honest. However her ambition and workaholic nature has driven away some people, and sometimes she accidently is too blunt. She’s rather pessimistic, having grown up in a rather dreary and dangerous place, and she looks out for herself first, although that is not to say she’d purpously hurt someone else. This is just a little bit minimal as far as personality blocks go for profiles. I would definitely recommend adding things to back up the personality traits you’ve mentioned here. You have the traits here but nothing else really to support them as fact. 

Fear(s): Waking up to the sounds of bombings again. 

Likes: 

- Coffee, but not American coffee, she thinks it’s too weak. 

She likes horses. 

Apple tarts.

Baking.

Sci fi and fantasy books

She has a guilty pleasure for just really bad comedy movies. 

Dislikes: 

-  Tony Stark (I mean I love him as a character but she’s Sokovian)

- American coffee 

Badly written novels

Horror films. 

Habit(s): 

- Pulls her hair

Curses in Serbian (Don’t know what language Sokovia speaks so I’ll go with Serbian)

If she goes to make coffee, she makes it way stronger then anybody else can stand. 

Flaw(s): 

- A little bossy

Pessimistic

Looks out for herself first. 

Talent(s): 

Very intelligent and creative

Can sing English alphabet backwards. 

-Speaks Serbian, English and Russian fluently.

These are all pretty neat things, but likes and dislikes are next to useless when presenting a character to another person, and a bullet-list format is really not helping me much with learning about characters.

The Character’s Relationship With Others

Reputation: She has the reputation of someone who is polite enough, as well as being highly intelligent. If you work with her, the rule is to be polite but not overly so, she’s pretty easy to work with.  

Love Interest(s): None, she and Miguel briefly dated but they mutally decided to split. I might add a love interest but I’m not sure who.

Friend(s): Her team, which is Miguel, Brian, Lottie, Wesley, and Irene.  

Miguel is two years younger then her, he is Hispanic, with dark curly hair. He’s a little grumbly but still has a good heart. 

Brian is six years older then her, he is African American. He’s friendly and open and was the most welcoming of her.  

Charlotte (Lottie) is one year older then Lena, Caucasian, with wild red hair. She’s very polite. 

Wesley is a Caucasian male with salt and pepper hair, in his early fifties. He has the tendancy to get absorbed in whatever he’s doing and forget to inform the others.

Irene is four years older then her. Tall, slim, Caucasian and blonde, she is very beautiful. She’s good friends with Lena, as one time she invited Lena to go to her niece’s dance recital, Lena has met her fiance Aaron and his daughter Erin. 

(I figured either Irene or Wesley might be part of HYDRA I wasn’t sure which.)

Being a leading engineer, she is Level 8 and has contact with Agents Hill, Coulson and sometimes Director Fury. She’s nuetral with Agent Hill, she likes Agent Coulson (he was very scandalized when she told him she had no clue who Captain America was) and Director Fury intimidates her.

I don’t actually need to know about her teammates. And really, you don’t even have to tell me how Lena gets along with her teammates unless it says something specific about Lena. I very much like that you included how she gets on with Coulson, Hill, and Fury, though. That really seems to line up with what you’ve told us so far, and they’re very revealing about Lena for an audience familiar with the MCU and thus those three characters.

The Character’s Abilities

Power(s): None, she’s human. 

Ability(ies):She is very good at building and inventing.

Weapon Handling: She knows theoretically how to shoot a gun, and if they put their hands over their head and stood stock still she could probably hit them. Maybe. 

Hand-To-Hand Combat: Nope. 

Defense: Not really. 

Offense: Her offense is lacking. If she’s caught with no way out she doesn’t pause to fight dirty. 

People Skills: She likes people, she’s just sometimes a little blunt when she wants someone to improve.

To reiterate, you really don’t need to organize this in a form set up like this. You can work all this information into the profile itself.

The Character’s Familial/Biographical Information:

Magdalena Milijkovic (she prefers Lena) is a Sokovian girl and the daughter of two bakers who own Milijkovic Bakery. Her mother, Ana, died in a bombing when Lena was eight, and when Ana was thirty eight. Her father Havel (who was thirty four at the bombing and thirty eight when he married Mila) married a woman named Mila (thirty six when she married Havel), who is a perfectly nice and good woman who is very kind to Lena, but it’s a little tense, because while Havel cried a lot for Ana, he started dating about two years after and married two years after that (he did really love her mother it’s just different ways of grieving). I’m not an expert on the matter, but four years doesn’t really seem like that short of a time span to me? Especially since you say that he spent two years single. I’m not sure that you need to justify the span of time he went before remarrying. That was when she was twelve and since she was a teen she overreacted a bit, she was also way closer to her mother then father and thought it disrespectful to her memory. Bitterness from a pre-teen daughter, on the other hand, is something that can and does happen, especially since Lena was only eight. This is a good point. Lena went to University of Sokovia when she was fifteen (she skipped three grades, got a scholarship, plus she could just bike to the university) , and gained a bachelor degree in Mechanical Engineering when she was eighteen. She then decided to go to Stanford to get her masters (on a scholarship and she has student visa F-1),she got the master’s at twenty. She worked at retail to get a little extra money. As a full-time college student working part time during the school year, I find this a little odd. Plus, if she has a student visa, I’m pretty sure the only jobs she can get are on-campus. I formerly attended a university with a large body of international students, and they had to keep a certain number of jobs available for those students on campus that couldn’t go to local students because the international students could only work on campus.

A neat thing you could add as a sidenote here, as this is what is implied, is that Lena has excellent time-management skills. After all, mechanical engineering is a very heavy workload on any level of study, and doing this plus working retail (where, frankly, they tend to not be very receptive to your personal schedule), which is an extremely high stress job, says that Lena is absolutely amazing at time management and that she handles stress extremely well. If these were the points you were trying to make, then excellent!

She is approached by S.H.I.E.L.D to be an engineer, which she accepts, at age 22. 

Her Ph.D she gained at twenty five, and she continued to work for S.H.I.E.L.D and is applying for citizenship. 

Birthplace: Novi Grad, Sokovia

Family:

Ana Milijkovic (Mother)

Havel Milijkovic (Father)

Mila Milijkovic (Stepmother)

Familial Background: Her family on her father’s side has been bakers for generations and owned the same bakery. 

Final Thoughts: Lena does seem to be a pretty solid character, but I feel like I had to wade through a lot of extraneous detail in order to reach that conclusion. Mostly presentation needs some work (though all this is fine for your own personal records).

I think that maybe you should think about some of the things that have made Lena who who she is and include them in the profile. And some of the things about her personality that her backstory reveals that you haven’t included in the profile proper. A little more fleshing out would be nice, because while I feel like I know a bit about Lena, I feel like there’s a lot more that could be known about her.

Do feel free to resubmit at a later time, and I would be absolutely thrilled to see your progress on her!

Full name: Henry Nicholas Dickens

Nickname: Hen (mostly by his sister), Hank (rarely), and Dick (not in the nice way). Most people just call him Henry.

If most people call him Henry, do I need to know about the other nicknames? Besides the fact that people apparently call him Dick, none of these really tell me anything about him.

Age and Birthday: 25, born June 12 As the person reviewing this character, I don’t need to know his birthday. You just have to say he’s 25.

Ethnicity: Caucasian, English ancestry

Hometown: Dorchester, Dorset, England

Hair: Sandy brown curly hair worn in a short, messy style If his hair is short and messy you don’t need to say that he wears it that way; just say that it’s short and messy.

Eyes: Hazel green

Skin:  Fair, pale with reddish undertones (Pantone 91-9 C) I still don’t need a pantone shade to be able to picture this skin tone. Also, “Fair” and “Pale” when referring to skin tone both essentially mean the same thing. Pick one and stick with it. 

Powers: Sand generation and manipulation (sand has hallucinogenic properties, causes illusions) This is a little confusing to me... Like the first part I can get, sand generation and manipulation makes sense. But in the parentheses is what’s throwing me off here. The sand has hallucinogenic properties and causes illusions? So does that mean that Henry can create illusions and hallucinations? If so, there’s a much simpler way to express this that will make his powers much clearer.

Alignment: Lawful neutral, maybe neutral good As I said in Manis’s critique, alignment really does not tell you much about a character’s personality. It’s a tool mostly for roleplaying and is not nearly as useful when presenting a character for someone to review. Alignment is for you, the author’s benefit, not mine.

Personality, Role, etc.: Henry, an SHCC employee and engineering student, is an unwitting, narcissistic social darwinist So is he an unwitting narcissist or an unwitting social darwinist? Because it’s really difficult to be an unwitting social darwinist. who compares people without powers to defenseless children. Because of his arrogance and attention-seeking behavior, his co-workers avoid him and the other heroes think he’s unfit to be on the team. He is short, has a small frame, and is thin but muscular. Yeah, saying he is short and “wiry” or “lithe” would eliminate the majority of that sentence. Less is more. Henry has always dreamt of becoming a hero and has always tried to play that role for his sister, Alyssa, and other people without powers. Okay, so he wants to be a hero, but he’s a social darwinist too? Those... don’t really fit together. A social darwinist is someone who wants to apply the laws of natural selection to things like economics and government, ie. disabled and poor people deserve to be mistreated so that their genes will not be passed on. It’s natural selection but applied to society. His attempts to be the hero normally result in him patronizing and babying people. His goal to join the team of heroes with Manis is fulfilled, but he has no idea that the SHCC is actually using him for nefarious reasons. This is the first I’ve heard of the SHCC being nefarious??? Either expound on why it’s apparently nefarious in your setting explanation, or leave this detail out entirely. He is dependable, intelligent, and innovative, however he is also supercilious, entitled, and self-absorbed. This sentence is just a list of traits and does not actually tell me anything about him. He has a bit of a God complex. Throughout the story, different people confront him about his personality, but he either becomes so defensive that they just give up trying to explain to him or he just pretends they didn’t say anything. He’s very creative and resourceful. He also loves new theories and inventions, science, and music. Again, list of traits or likes/dislikes are actually very poor tools for an outside reader to get to know your character. I need to see evidence of these things, not just get told them and thus accept them at face value. He tends to rant about his day to Alyssa and she just listens because she knows if she says she doesn’t care they’ll argue and it isn’t worth it. She loves her brother and is probably the only one who realized that there is another side to his egocentric personality. I don’t think we need a sentence about Alyssa here? This profile is about Henry, and this sentence really doesn’t tell us anything about him.

Backstory: Henry’s powers were present from a very young age and made him very popular in his neighborhood. His parents would parade him around for their neighbors to see. As a teenager, Henry heard about a new team of 23 heroes called the Municipal Fortification Unit (MuniFort) and he realized that he wanted to be a part of the team. A few years after they debuted, tragedy struck, leaving 16 of the heroes dead and the rest in critical condition. The following year, the SHCC started over from scratch, drastically changing the way they handled the team of heroes. They began recruiting a significantly smaller group and keeping a closer eye on them while keeping them out of the public eye. Okay so everything after Henry wanting to become part of the hero team is not necessary to understand him further. It has nothing to do with his backstory, and really all it’s doing is taking up space and distracting the reader from the character. Henry’s boss soon recruited him to be the group’s “manager” (really he just gave him a promotion and hired him to spy on them). Henry was ecstatic. Finally, he could work with like-minded, superpowered individuals and not his boring former co-workers. Much to his dismay, they weren’t all that different from the normal people; They had the same personalities, goals, home lives, etc. He still saw them as equals and thought their lives were more valuable than any normal person’s.

Again, I’m still not really getting much of a feeling for Henry. You’ve told me a lot about him by listing traits, but not a lot about who he actually is. With Manis, the backstory had some good insights into who she is, but Henry’s backstory is comparatively sparse.

Note: Henry’s been a character of mine for a very long time. He was in a different series that I cancelled a while ago and he was not at all narcissistic and was a Gary Stu (which I didn’t realize back then). We don’t use the term Mary Sue or Gary Stu here. He was also pretty much a ripoff of the 11th doctor. I really loved Doctor Who… Anyway, I’m obsessed with this guy. However, I feel that he just comes across as a jerk (and not a likeable jerk) to other people and I’m too biased to understand what he’s missing. How can I make him more likeable (and also maybe more relatable)?

Honestly I don’t know that I can give you much advice on how to make Henry more likeable or relatable because I still feel like I don’t know him. I would definitely suggest that he is not a social darwinist, as feeling superior because of superpowers does not equal supporting eugenics (which is basically the epitome of social darwinism). The narcissism can be dealt with, as narcissistic characters are often very likeable and fun to read, but a lot of that just has to do with them being well-developed characters that behave like real people.

Really what I have to suggest is just working on him some more in general. What I’ve been given here is just not enough for me to know what he’s really like.

Setting: The story centers around the nations of Kaharian and Basilaume, which have been at war on and off for centuries. Twenty-three years before the beginning of the story, the kings of each nation at the time signed a peace treaty, putting what they hope is a permanent end to the conflict.

Content: At sixteen years old, Juliana would not normally be considered a grown woman. But as the princess of Kaharian and heir to the throne, no one would dare address her as a child. She inherited much from her father; high cheekbones, a strong jaw, and golden hair; yet the kings still says he can see her mother in her grey eyes.

From the time she could walk, Juliana has watched her father interact with both foreign dignitaries and peasants living in Kaharian. She has always had her own voice, and she knows when she is right. Even though she is not afraid of stepping on a few toes, she still knows when it is best to back down and let others have their say. This doesn’t stop her from gloating if and when she turns out to be right, though.

She does not carry herself delicately or with any kind of grace, but with the strength and presence she knows she has had since birth. Not a deliberate rebel by any means, she still enjoys the luxuries of her dresses and jewelry, but she does not let these things define her. After all, who are the naysayers to tell her what a princess can and cannot be?

Full name: Mary Gesine Wirth

Nickname: Manis (derived from a form of Mary borrowed from Slavic Christians, given to her by her dad) She mostly goes by Manis. The only people who would call her Mary would be her parents or very close friends. This feels packed with extraneous details. Do I need to know the origin of Manis? Do I need to know that only the people close to her call her Mary? Can’t you just convey the same thing by saying her name is Mary “Manis” Wirth, and that Manis is a nickname given to her by her father? More does not necessarily equal better.

Age: 38

Ethnicity: American w/ predominantly German Jewish ancestry The main issue I’m having here is that if she has predominantly Jewish ancestry, then why does she have a nickname with Slavic Christian origins? I’m really stuck on this, because German Jewish is pretty far removed from Slavic Christian if I’m thinking correctly.

Hometown: Newark, Delaware, USA A little nitpicky here, but if you’re saying her hometown is Newark, Delaware, I don’t think we need the detail that she’s also from the US. You also specified that she is American, which makes the inclusion of “USA” here even more redundant.

Hair: Naturally blonde but dyes it medium gray; Why? Why does she dye it gray? Who dyes their hair gray? This is such a unique thing (since most people avoid their hair being gray as much as they can) that just telling us that she dyes her hair gray is startling. What reason does she have for dyeing her hair, and why haven’t you expounded on this? she wears it in a straight medium length inverted bob style Too many words to convey the same thing: “straight inverted bob” works pretty well because most inverted bobs are pretty much the same length. If you’re imagining something different (hence the inclusion of “medium length” here) then it might be better to describe it with a different haircut as a frame of reference.

Eyes: Cornflower blue

Skin: Pale porcelain w/ pink undertones (Pantone 75-9 C) Again, this is by far too many details. And upon examining this particular pantone shade, pink undertones doesn’t seem to fit. Certainly warm undertones, but pink undertones tend to veer more toward red than this particular pantone does. But why do I need a pantone color? If you just told me she was pale with pink undertones in her skin, I would probably still be able to picture her just as well. This isn’t a design critique, and you’re not sending a detailed physical description to an artist for a commission; you’re sending in the character for critique on the character. Being this specific with the color really just clutters up the profile (I say as I expound in bold all over the place).

Powers: Super strength and durability

Alignment: Neutral evil Type 1/Chaotic neutral, fights for the good side for her own selfish reasons I wasn’t initially sure what “Type 1″ referred to, but then I found that it’s a TV Tropes thing. So I read into it, and I’m still not sure that you recognize the difference between these two alignments. Neutral Evil (especially what’s written about under Type 1) does not fit with “fights for the good side for her own selfish reasons.” Neutral Evil characters are selfish, yes, but they are often maliciously so. Furthermore, if they do end up fighting for the good side, it is often reluctantly so, even if they do get something out of it. Chaotic Neutral, on the other hand, is basically “I do what I want and nobody can tell me what to do because my personal freedom is the most important thing in the world to me.” A Chaotic Neutral character can and will do just about anything so long as they get something out of it. And from what I’ve read of Manis (and I’ve read this entire profile multiple times), neither of these alignments really seem to suit her.

There’s a good reason why characters typically don’t fit into one alignment or another, because a lot goes into a character’s morality and personality besides their alignment. Alignments were created as a roleplaying aid in Dungeons & Dragons, not for any and all writing and works of fiction. People are complex, and alignments do very little to describe them.

I’ll make a post expounding on this later; I have a lot to say about the matter.

Personality, Role, etc.: Manis, the hot-headed leader of a group of individuals recruited to be heroes, is an athletically built 38-year-old woman who is fueled by her greed for money and desperate need to feel in charge. Okay, so? She actually cares for each of her team members, but she can come off as insensitive and rude. Can you maybe show me an example of such? I just have to take this all at face value. She often doesn’t ask for help and tries to complete tasks alone. Her teammates know how she isn’t used to working on a team and try to help her without getting in her way. Again, you’re not really giving me anything to back this up. Her stubbornness, bossyness, and inability to trust the others damage the synergy of the group. A couple of members feel they would make better leaders and the group would be more successful and effective with her gone, but the company keeps her for her strength. A couple of members? This is actually a pretty big deal, that people within the group think they would be better at her job than she is! So what does she do about it! While promising to actively try to be a better leader, her greed and selfishness get in the way of her goal. In what way? She’s headstrong, organized, passionate and driven, however she is also domineering, intense, materialistic, and distrustful. And here’s a list of things that doesn’t really tell me anything about her. She’s a full-time hero. She tends to take more structured routes and prefers concrete solutions over wishful thinking and reckless, risky behavior. For example?

Backstory: Ever since she was in elementary school, Mary’s parents and teachers knew her immunity to injury and bullheaded behavior would cause her trouble later in life. So why didn’t they send her to see a shrink? Her strength and invulnerability were apparent from a young age, but her power seemed to skyrocket in her teen years due to her developing a shorter fuse and more explosive, violent fits of anger. Shorter fuse is typical of becoming a teen, but violent fits of anger? That’s typically a sign of severe mental illness. Violence in teenagers is a serious cause for alarm, so why hasn’t anyone done anything besides be like “oh yeah, she’ll have trouble later in life.” One night when she was about 14, she went for one of her usual night walks to clear her mind, as advised by her counselor. She has a counselor, good. But a counselor alone is not going to be enough in a situation where you have a 14-year-old girl who is apparently prone to violence. Why has the counselor not recommended she go see a child psychiatrist? Counselors can’t offer in-depth therapy the way that actual therapists can, not to mention the clear warning signs that anyone should have noticed that this girl needs serious psychological help. She was especially rageful and left the house fuming after she found out her father planned to leave the country without her or her mother knowing. She violently took her anger out on a drunk man and realized that she’d become more powerful since the last time she’d fought someone. She also realized how it was a lot harder to stop jabbing and punching. Every blow she landed made her feel indescribably euphoric. The man was nearly dead when a squad car careened around the corner, taking her by surprise. She snapped out of her mindlessly brutal state and saw the man bleeding profusely on the concrete. She was taken into police custody and her father was alerted. The drunk man was hospitalized with a concussion, severe facial trauma, several broken bones in his face, and many other injuries. You’ve listed out several different kinds of injuries, and then just kind of throw all the rest together into “many other injuries.” Not to mention the fact that you’re being redundant again. Severe facial trauma and several broken bones in his face is repetitive; all you would really have to do is mention the severe facial trauma and it can be gathered that it includes broken bones. After leaving juvenile detention, her life from then on had been ruined by her temper and violent tendencies. So she went to juvie, but still no one bothered to actually try to pursue a diagnosis here? This 14-year-old girl just beat a man half to death, and even juvie doesn’t recognize that there is something going on here? She never went to college and made most of her money from amateur mma fighting. After seriously injuring (and nearly killing) an opponent, she was banned for life. You don’t specify how long she’s an amateur MMA fighter, but what’s getting to me here is the fact that she is, at this point, definitely an adult, and yet she still has almost no control over her powers. Marvel’s Jessica Jones has super strength, too, which emerged when she was at least 10 years old, and she has almost no trouble keeping her powers under control when she doesn’t need to use them. In fact, like most superheroes, Jessica really only has trouble controlling her powers when she’s very emotional. And this all brings me to this point: why is Manis still having so much trouble controlling her powers? Hasn’t she had them her whole life? Why has no one noticed that she seriously needs to see a therapist about this? At age 29, she was recruited to be a hero. She was reluctant at first, but soon realized her new job satisfied both her financial needs and her love of fighting. She accepted the “hero” title hesitantly but without objection. These last two sentences? One of them is obsolete.

During an assignment, she experiences her first (temporary) power blackout in which she loses her strength and durability for an indefinite length of time. Whoa, what?? Power blackouts are a thing? Why am I only hearing about this in the last paragraph of the submission? During this blackout, her body reacts as if she’s going through drug withdrawal. Keep in mind that drug withdrawals happen because of the ways drugs affect the chemical makeup of our bodies. You haven’t really provided an explanation for superpowers here, but this kind of thing would really only happen if her chemical makeup was changing. Now, she could believably undergo psychological withdrawal; I’m not saying that withdrawals are completely out of the question. I’m saying that if her body reacts as if to a drug withdrawal, that implies that powers come from the chemical makeup of people’s bodies. She knows she isn’t very intelligent or talented. Really, the only thing she can do is fight. She’s been banned from amateur competitions for life, so if she loses her powers permanently she’ll have no way to make money. Her temper prevents her from getting a job that involves her being nice and patient with people. Before she was recruited to be a hero she was pretty much an unqualified wastrel. Again, this is probably just me being nitpicky here, but because I had to look up the definition of wastrel (a wasteful person) it probably isn’t the best word to use here. I mean... Really the entire sentence is pretty obsolete. She became obsessed with her powers when she realized they earned her a paycheck and made her feel powerful and useful. Now she’s become so dependent on her powers she wouldn’t know how to function as a normal human being if she were to lose them permanently. So has she had more than one power blackout? How often do they happen, and how long do they last? This is some of the most important stuff in this profile, and you’ve skimped out on it.

Final Thoughts:

As I said multiple times throughout, my primary concern here is that Manis never received help for her violent outbursts. I mean, this is a child here, and her being violent is not a secret. So why does no one send her to an actual qualified psychiatrist?

Another thing that has really stood out to me is that the backstory told me more about Manis than pretty much the entire rest of the profile. Those two paragraphs had more depth of character for her than everything preceding them. In fact, just about everything up to that point is just trivial information presented with nothing to back it up. Up to the backstory, everything in this profile is just a glorified list of traits. Just because it’s in paragraph format doesn’t mean it’s not a list.

There’s a lot of potential here, and some good content too. But I shouldn’t have to weed through redundancies and lists to get to it.

Mod Canary:  

I like what I see so far.  This is very visually appealing, the coat especially (although the two button flaps would be impractical in cold climates unless there were a larger flap behind both to keep cold air out; but I’ll get to that later).  I especially like the top hat (probably because I just generally like top hats).  Your color choices and use of an accent color at the top and bottom of your character are very nice, though I would like to see more pink somewhere on the coat and maybe just a touch on the hat to balance it completely.  

From my experience, there are three major areas to cover when going out in the cold:  the face, the fingers, and the toes.  You’ve properly protected his toes with warm, waterproof boots, but have left his fingers totally uncovered.  Unless he’s a creature that’s immune to the cold (the rest of your design suggests he isn’t), I would give him some nice gloves so his fingers don’t freeze.  I would also suggest giving him earmuffs and a scarf that can be pulled up around his nose so his face doesn’t either.  Unless his species has second eyelids, I’d also give him snow goggles so he doesn’t get snow blinded, and so the wind doesn’t hurt his eyes.  The rest of his outfit seems warm enough, but depending on the median temperature of where he lives, I might add a heavier coat and pants.  

~Just a note for you, because it’s important:  know the properties of his outer layer of clothes and everything he’s got on under them.  Overall for cold climates, you want something nice and wicking for your innermost layer, to keep the sweat off the skin, something like fleece, cotton, or wool for your middle insulation layer, as puffy and fluffy as you like, and a sturdy water- and wind-proof outer layer.  Most cold weather hikers would probably suggest two pairs of gloves too, one wicking, one weatherproof.~

As for the creature himself, I largely like your choice on nonhuman elements used (i.e.  four fingers, black eyes, slightly out of proportion facial structure (though that may be the art style)).  However, if he doesn’t have eyebrows, he’s bound to run into some problems.  Eyebrows collect sweat and dust and other stuff and keep them from getting in the eyes by channeling them to the sides of the face as opposed to straight down.  They’re a very important trait.  You could get around this a couple of different ways:  1) by giving him a pronounced brow ridge and setting the eyes further in, which decreases the chance of things falling into the eyes, or 2) by giving him hecka eyelashes (as they’re your eyes’ second line of defense against bad stuff).  

I’m interested by your choice to use four stubby fingers:  do all creatures in his home dimension have 4 fingers?  or has his species simply evolved to have 4 because 5 didn’t suit their purposes?  is it an evolutionary attempt to decrease the surface area of a very cold-sensitive body part?  Why-ever you did it, it fits nicely with the rest of his design and makes sense to nerds like me who care about evolutionary biology.  

Nickname: Chi, Witch Girl(Unlike the one used on Hazel, this was used as playful teasing by her friends) and Daughter of Hecate

Age: 12 in my first book

Gender: Female

Godly Parent: Hecate

Appearance: 5'0 feet tall, Filipino looks, white skin(Some Filipinos have white skin, trust me I’m a Filipino myself), Brown eyes, Black hair and has braces. Usually wears clothes that help her move around easy like the shirt and pants combo. But the outfit she uses most of the time is the CHB shirt, a white denim vest with a hood, faded blue denim pants and red Adidas shoes. She also has those colored glasses for dyslexic people.

Okay, let me intervene here: “Filipino looks?” As an anthropology major, I”m asking you what this even means. Would you say “White looks” to describe a white character? I understand that you are Filipino, but you have to be more descriptive of your character. Ethnicity--and especially race--does not have one “look,” as exemplified by you explaining that some Filipinos have light skin. You’re totally right on that, so you need to extend that and understand that not all Filipinos look the same in other aspects.

As an anthro major AND writer, this bugs me because it’s so vague. “Filipino looks.” Okay, but why don’t you describe the look instead of saying this then? Describe the eye shape, the hair, the face shape. You described the skin, so describe everything else. It’ll give more life to the character as well. 

Personality:

Chi is a very ambitious girl but tends to trespass Overambitious territory. She’s also an inventor/engineer in the making who first started making dolls of her own to making weapons with the Hephaestus kids using magic when she stayed in CHB for the summer so yeah she’s pretty intelligent but she can’t make weapons on her own without assistance or magic. Her hardworking trait is always fueled by her ambition. Though an inventor, she’s pretty impatient since she has ADHD. She also tends to be pretty finicky.

When not inventing, she’s pretty calm, playful and funny. Pretty much someone you would like to hangout with after a hard day’s work. Well, if you don’t mind snarky people. She’s also very independent and won’t like it if you boss her around without her consent.

Though, a pretty likable person, she can be pretty selfish when it comes to certain stuff. She’s also very chatty and seem to not shut up. She’s also very Nosey. She’s also very mischievous and cunning.

Fatal Flaw: Ambition- she puts it above everything.

Strengths: Can work with a group, good at aiming, quick-thinking and smart enough to invent stuff

Weakness: Has no leadership skills, Too focused aiming to notice if someone is going to attack her from behind, No patience and really hard to impress

Weapon: Celestial Bronze Crossbow(turns into a ring with a tiny golden crossbow ) and arrows(turns into hairpins) but has a celestial bronze dagger as back up, she also uses magic.

Powers: Magic, Mist Manipulation and Transfiguration(weak; can turn people into mice)

How is being able to turn people into mice weak? I’m not saying you can’t call it weak but you’ll need to describe WHY it’s weak because that is just really powerful by itself. Is it weak because she can only do it every now and again? Is it weak because she only gets them halfway turned into mice and they’ll sprout tails? What makes this powerful magic weak?

Fear: Not impressing everyone and the darkness

Likes: Her friends, family, inventing, churros, kids, caramel, books(yeah, she reads. In fact, That where she got her ideas for her inventions), pleasing people, kids, animals but mostly dogs and cats, Star Wars Franchise, Mythology, CHB and Art

Dislikes- Things not going as she pleases, bitter food,rice(oh the irony. She doesn’t like how it’s so tasteless), Someone better that her, Being manipulated or told what do against her will, chauvinists, darkness, monsters, boredom, having to wait and having to play leader

Mortal Family: Juan Gomez(dad, engineer), Clair Gomez(mom, inventor), Jhoan Gomez(sister, Law student). Despite being adopted, she loves her adoptive family and they love her.

Inventions: Brooms(short lived because it can only support a certain weight), Two flaming swords and pepper spray that works on monsters.

Fun Facts: -Wants to be an engineer or weapon inventor(“I’m gonna make an actual light saber and give it to the army!”)

-Her parents influenced her inventing and engineering skills

-Her adoptive parents wanted to call her Edith but stuck with Wichita since she was already called Wichita.

-When she got claimed and her siblings trained her, she combined magic to her inventions.

- I’m sorry but I’m not gonna put her backstory here since this is already a character in a wattpad book that I published so yeah. Sorry

-Her uncle who is a hunter taught her how to use a regular bow and a crossbow.