and i am stained with light

June of last year I was so terrified to make that OKCupid profile. Kait tried to assure me that I'd have a lot of bad dates and it would be normal and I shouldn't take it personally. I was afraid I was too broken for anyone to love me anyway, so what did it matter? And then Liz started quoting OFMD at me and a few weeks later I met them at a Russian icon museum and then spent 4 hours in a taqueria with them after, just chattering away. They kissed me in the street. My life hasn't been the same since.

They'll tell you they knew in that taqueria, but it took me longer to open up, to overcome my fears, to feel worthy of love. They talked me through it. We talk through everything. I don't have to guess what they're thinking or tip toe around worried I'm messing it up.

They're funny and smart and have a lot of cool interests and get along with my friends. They're up for adventures. They don't mind if I snore. They love me so much it makes me cry sometimes. In a good way. In a, I never thought any of this would be mine sort of way.

When I was driving out to that small Massachusetts town with that small museum in it I passed by a home with a large field to the side of it. It had a group of shrubs planted in the shape of a heart. I try not to give in to magical thinking, but it felt like a good sign nevertheless. Like maybe this could be a thing I mention in my vows someday. And maybe I will.

Maybe this one time, everything will turn out okay. 💕

I'm not really here to complain though. I miss...pretty much everyone, but you guys included. Think I might test out trying to be back on here more instead of just playing phone games for hours on end while the mac wheel in my brain spins. So in the spirit of getting back into it, here are some updates:

Work continues to not pay me enough to live, which is a shame because I've started a few research initiatives I would love to see through and my boss remains the best. Still looking for a new job and getting very close to the October date when I told the grand boss I'd take any job that paid me enough.

Couldn't afford to go to Con this year, so I went to see my friend and her babies instead. They're walking, which they weren't doing when I last saw them in May and I'm positive that by the next time I get down there they'll be speaking in full sentences.

Went to a cool multi-media live Cowboy Bebop concert for my birthday and it was So Cool. The band rocked.

They Maythem moved in with us. They and I are watching through Star Trek: TOS because I'd never seen it. The two of us and Kait are watching through the X-Files, another thing I'd never seen.

I've taken on the job of cooking every night now since neither Kait nor Liz has a great time doing it and I love it, so long as my back doesn't seize up. I find cooking and baking and doing the grocery run to be meditative and calming, so it's nice to be given the freedom to just find new things to make and go for it.

Unfortunately in the other direction I have made no art or done any writing since the pain became an issue, but I continue to make plans to create.

Anyway, the biggest and most important news deserves its own post, so I'll do that next. I just wanted to sat hi, I hope you're all doing okay. I'm sending love even when I'm not here, but maybe I'll be around a little more to remind you. We'll see how life goes, which is all we can do, I think.