One Day At A Time

 I haven’t written on here for a while and I know that means I have been busy and probably doing relatively okay health wise but I think that even when I feel healthy I should be writing. 

I haven’t been feeling crash hot from the start of this year and I guess that is normal when you start a new job. I also haven’t got a clue where I am going or what goals I even have anymore. I am going to Norway for my friends wedding in July and so that has been nice to look forward to and I have a lovely space studio apartment which I live in. Lots of plants and I live close to friends.

But I don’t know what I am up to. And I am worried about a relapse. But I guess the fact I am aware is a good thing. 

Friday was a shit storm and I don’t think I am ready to write about it yet but my sister wrote a poem which I will share here...

People are scared 

And people are dying 

Please hold my hand 

While the world is crying. 

Our world is hurting 

Side by side we stand 

And as lives are torn apart 

All I feel is your hand. 

So when it gets dark 

And the world seems full of hate 

Reach out, hold someone’s hand 

Hold on to our humanity 

When you have a mental illness cocktail it can be awkward. I have the nice mix of anxiety with a generous dollop of depression. I have been thinking lately that I want to write a book about things. I don’t want it to be traditional and I don’t want to adhere to social norms. I have begun to realise that I don’t fit in the box that people like to put me in so why should a book I write do that either? But the trouble is I haven’t got it all sorted into how or what I want to include and why... What is the purpose of this “book” or is it actually meant to be a blog? Or is it meant to be a youtube channel? I also have a fear that by putting myself out there then I will be exposed and ostracised. That the diagnosis with be all people see. My illness isn’t all of me but it is a part of me and one which I think will be there for life. 

I often think about how much of a hypocrite I really am. I work as an educator and the belief I have in my students is exponential. I truely believe they can do anything they put their minds to and have this unconditional support. But when it comes to myself I am not my biggest supporter. Why is this? Why do I believe I am not good enough? Why do I hesitate to leap when I know that the universe will most likely catch me? 

I have so much passion for art and craft and in a lot of ways I know that this has saved me and healed me. I want to share what I have learnt with others. I want to make sure I help them. To prevent what happened to me or just to let them know they aren’t alone. For me that was one of the biggest things. Knowing I wasn’t alone in this illness and that there was hope. Clinging to that got me through the dark days when even getting out of bed was too hard. 

I also think of my family and how fucked up families can be. I mean I love them but I also have a feeling that my friends are my family. My illness and my family are something that conflict. There is a saying that you cannot get better living in the same place that made you sick in the first place. I feel this rings true and even relates to my family. The support is not something I can get them to change yet I don’t need it. Often the support comes with expectations and conditions. I am an adult yet they will always see me as a child. That is natural yet I would like to be seen as who I really am and not feel I need to fit into the mould they expect of me or for me. What I need in my life is unlikely to be what they have wished for me. 

I have been thinking a lot about what I need to keep healthy and I get coming back to the idea of being self- sufficient in a tiny house that is off the grid with edible gardens surrounding. I would also like to produce my own fibre and textiles from sheep that I have and ideally I would also like to have my own flock of hens. The size of the tiny house will not need to be large as I would also like to spend time outdoors. I would like to build it from reclaimed items and would be willing to learn how to do a lot of it myself. 

More and more the world we live in is removed from the production of food and since my illness I have connected with the growing of plants. Having plants helped green my apartment living space and gave me a good reason for getting out of my bed when the paralysis of depression would insist on me staying put. I would have to get up and open the curtains or my plants would die. I actually credit the plants for helping me survive through some trying times. On walks I would collect seedlings, cuttings mostly from succulents from the front of peoples gardens and I would go to second hand stores looking for things to plant them in. The excuse to get outdoors and then to interact with people was what my anxiety needed. 

On my way to owning my own tiny house I can see that I might have to transition through perhaps a caravan renovation and renting some land. I always want experiences over things but having the ability to live completely off the grid is really something I desire. I would love to have the chance to produce my own food and get back to basics. So this year my new years “resolution” is to try and grow as much green food as I can for myself. I plan to start with lettuce and rocket as these are year long easy grow for inside. I also think I will grow some kale. Last year New World offered a seeds each time you spent a certain amount of money with your food and I grew zucchini and kale from seed. I am now harvesting from these plants and the sense of achievement is amazing. I also like that I am saving money and I know exactly where the plants have been grown and what has gone into growing them. Its nice to also help provide habitat to all the smaller creatures in the mean time. 

I am currently house sitting on a life-style block in a house that is far larger than anything I would ever need its a 4 bedroom with 2 bath and huge. It is lovely but I have no aspirations for owning one like this myself. The land however I see so much potential in although that too is more than I would require. I would like enough land to have vegetable gardens and fruit orchards and some animals. I think I would start with hens and then work towards some sheep for grazing and then also a kunekune pig for the orchard. And as a companion I would love a wee pug. From my wee spot I would love to have solar power and rainwater fed water supplies. I would love to collect seed myself from the plants to then plant in the future. And along with this I would love to make my own clothes from recycled fibres. An idea I have is to make my clothes like a dress from old bed sheets or curtains at op shops. Preventing the waste the fashion industry creates by shopping second hand is something I hope to continue to do. I would also like to plant native species and learn more about the properties of native plants. For example the aloe vera properties of flax plants and how I can extract and use this myself. I would love to also make my own soap and shampoos etc. 

So really there will be a lot of learning and earning needed before this dream can become reality but I can see small elements of this being possible this year. Learning about plants and how to grow them in the urban environment I live in currently will be a great start. Taking small steps will see me move towards the future I would like for my own health both physically and mentally going forward. I am looking forward to keeping you posted on my journey to live big while living tiny 

Charlotte x

So I have been house sitting since before christmas looking after a dog, a cat and 5 fish in a 3 bedroom house. The house has a 60′s/ 70′s decor which I could get on board with but I think it needs some updating. The owners who are just a little bit older than me purchased it off his grandparents who are still alive and come to it often to do the garden and mow the lawn so any changes are often frowned upon. It almost feels like the grandparents packed up but left most of their things behind just where they always were. There are so many trinkets collecting dust. Anyway today I cleaned and I tried a little interior decorating with zero money. I think I may have been watching too much of the living channel...

The first photo above is a repurposed draw that I took the rollers off to make as a funky side table. I took the wrapper of a tin can that I had eaten the contents of to create a vase and then from the garden I cut some green ivy and placed it in water. This creates a plant that you never have to water and brings some much needed green into the space. It also has the added benefit of using up carbon dioxide from inside the house and creating some oxygen. 

The second photo is of a glass coffee table that I found buried in a corner under a pile of stuff. I decided to pull it out and tidy the stuff. After a wipe down it scrubbed up nicely and I then found a pretty green jug with white spots hidden with the mugs in the kitchen and decided to use it as a wee vase. I picked some yellow flowers to add some sunshine to the room. I also picked some purple flowers and cleaned a glass crystal vase that was covered in dust to display them in. Overall there is a huge improvement in the living space. 

Have you ever found that you go to try and remember something only to realise you can't remember what it was. And then you feel like your brain is sort of foggy and fuzzy and out of focus. That you try to sharpen your mind only to discover that you can't. There isn't really glasses you can get to focus your brain. Medication sort of helps. But its like your brain is a sieve. Some of the bigger things are often caught but little fiddly simple things fall through these holes and are forgotten. You can be having a conversation one second and then  find you are suddenly blank lost your train of thought. Not just a carriage but the entire train. Its quite disheartening not being able to rely on your brain. Or to be able to focus it long enough to read a book and enjoy it. 

I dub this phenomenon ‘brain fog’ because its not completely gone, its there, just difficult to make out. And sadly you have to go much slower through life as a result. Although I previously lived my life driving in the fast lane, I find myself suddenly in the slow lane surrounded in fog and with a bit of a flat tyre. Ive had to pull over and get some road side assistance (Doctor and Counsellor) and learn some life basics to jump start myself. Only to find that I completely burnt my motor out. The weather conditions for driving through life can no longer be ignored as I have in the past. Turns out ignoring the check engine and fuel lights in life is a pretty terrible idea. All those pre warning signs your body gives you really should be taken seriously or you end up burnt out on the side of a highway. Even when you jumpstart yourself the spluttering and staling happens and sometimes you accidentally end up in reverse. And you don't end up driving in a straight line. 

In fact after a chunky case of burnout you tend to look like a person learning to ride a bike for the first time. It goes much slower than a car. Takes a lot more effort. Highly relevant to note this fact as just getting out of bed and having a shower can take all your energy for the day. And the wobbles and not really travelling in a straight line. And the falling over repetitively holding onto the hope that one day you can end up gliding again or at least gain some suspension for all the bumps in the road of life. I think the hardest part is finding hope in the darkness of the brain fog, seeing past the lightening of anxiety, the thunder of depression and finding the calm amongst the storm. Some days are better than others. Which happens whether you live in the fast lane or the slow.