O P U L E N C E

Kind of wish you’d show up and surprise me for valentine’s day since you don’t have much planned on your schedule but I know it’s not that easy and I’m just being a big brat. I’m sure practice and a bunch of things I don’t see are taking place. 

I hardly slept. I can’t when he’s not with me. I’ve grown so accustomed to him being by my side. I feel really alone, and sad and empty. I keep wondering when he’ll come home. if he’ll come home. I’m too stubborn to reach out right now. I’m still so sensitive and i don’t want to talk about it. the whole situation. I just selfishly want him back, here in my arms. 

You know, after all that, my secret being out, when all is said and down. I didn’t expect you to be cool with it, I expected this reaction. the one thing that pissed me off? “don’t pull the self pity card” i don’t pity myself. i’m not the person you think i am because at this point i hardly feel bad. if you only knew, wooyoung, the things i had to do to get some of that money in the first place you’d be shocked. I don’t feel bad for any man who wanted to debase me simply to get his rocks off. i deserve every penny of it. I worked hard for it. if his wife only knew the things her husband wanted me to do. he’s lucky i’m keeping his secret still. 

man, i’ve got rings, houses and marriage on my mind. these two months are going to be the death of me. i’ve never loved anyone the way i love wooyoung. i never thought it was possible to love another person this way. i feel whole and happy and taken care of and i admire this man so much. he’s truly so good for me. he’s patient with me, he doesn’t mind when i go off the deep end, get mouthy or angry too quickly. he accepts me. he loves me. 

suddenly we’re talking about how nice it is to finally be domestic and be in my own house and have more than four days at a time to spend with one another since august and my heart is in my throat. we’re talking about engagement rings, i’m showing him my favorite styles and we’re really out here /talking/ about this shit.