you don't need a silver fork to eat good

Ingredients:

1x roasting chicken - free range if you can swing it, otherwise no biggie. Size is going to be up to you, as so few things in life are. 

1x Lemon

1x head of garlic

2 medium onions or one large one

Poultry rub (if you want a recipe for home-made DM me, it’s super simple to make at home) 

6-8 sprigs of thyme and rosemary

Three generous Tablespoons of butter, or a stick, depending on where in the world you live or regret living as the case may be. 

Two big handfuls of baby potatoes

Oven: Set to 200 degrees celsius / 425 Fahrenheit. Roasting time is 20 mins per 400g or little under a pound. 

Let’s go.

Method:

Place the chicken on the counter to come up to room temperature. Some chicks just have no chill and roast all the better for it.  Remove chicken from packaging and give that as well as the fresh produce a rinse under cool, running water. You thought I was going to say Cool Runnings, didn’t you? It’s okay, so did I. 

Washing the chicken is important to get all the butchery gunk off - even if you don’t see it, it’s there. Then pat it dry gently with a kitchen towel. Dry skin crisps up better. Realise that bits of kitchen towel are now stuck on chicken skin. Reevaluate life choices that lead you here.  

At this point Mall Rat would have skipped over to a track called Groceries. This is fine. Let it play. 

Grab a lemon and your herbs. Slice lemon in half, and stick that along with the thyme, rosemary and garlic into the chicken’s cavity. Marvel at how the chicken is as hollow as your soul but that no amount of herbs and citrus can heal you. Feel sad for a moment until you listen to the music again.

It’s aggressively cheery. 

Melt half of the butter in the microwave, or if you shun modern conveniences, the pan. If you’re feeling fancy, chuck a minced clove of garlic in there to subtly flavour the butter. Brush generously over chicken and get so engrossed in the task that you don’t notice that you have not turned the oven on yet. This will be a disappointing discovery once you realise it. Add some of the poultry rub into the remaining butter and mix.

Next bit is a little tricky - stick a sharp knife between the chicken breast and the skin to separate the two. Get under that skin the same way Geoff from Accounting gets under yours. Work spiced butter in there until it covers whole breast area. Might need some massaging.

Take your onions, give it a rough chop. Have a little cry and pretend the onions made you do it. Slice the leftover half lemon into wedges.

Place the onions in the roasting pan along with a halved head of garlic, sprigs of your herbs and those leftover lemon wedges. 

Wonder for a moment whether you should have saved one of those wedges for a bit of tequila. Realise it has touched onions so it’s probably too far gone, but make a mental note to do that next time. 

Take some twine (or regular non-minty dental floss, don’t judge me) and tie the chicken’s legs together. The official explanation for this is that it will stop the legs from burning while the meat is undercooked. I won’t go into the non-official explanation here but it involves Interpol and the patriarchy. 

Take the chicken and gently lay it down on top of the veg and herbs in the roasting tray, breast side up. Check that the oven is the correct temperature. Because you were a numpty and forgot to put it on until way too late, drink some water while you wait.  Also, halve those baby potatoes, salt ‘em, and toss it in the pan so it can roast in that delicious chicken fat. They will take around 30 mins max, so if you have a bigger bird, throw them in 30 mins before done. 

Finally, slide the roasting pan into the oven. Take out your oven mitts and this point and put them on the counter so you don’t try to touch the pan with bare hands like a certain author once did. 

Now leave it alone for an hour, go write some fanfic, come back to check on how things are going. Rudely, it won’t ask how things are going with you but no one’s perfect.

If the skin on the breasts are browning too quickly like a middle-aged, pale English lady on a beach in Ibiza, chuck a little square of foil on it to shield it from the hot rays of the oven. 

Take the oven mitts and remove the pan from the oven. Make a lil’ foil tent for it, and let it rest for 20 mins. Take a rest yourself, you deserved it. Decide to disregard this advice and refresh Tumblr again. 

Remove chicken from pan once it's rested and place on cutting board. 

Take the veggies out of the pan, squeeze the now sodden lemon until the juice drips into the pan too. Mix with whisk to incorporate. 

Add a sprinkling of cornflour or potato starch to thicken into gravy. Strain pan juices through a sieve, cheesecloth or your sanity, whichever is thinner at this point. Press down to squish any remaining bits of veg through to maximise flavour.