Disney Forever

May of 2019. Five years ago. I developed a low-key breathing issue after two weeks of coughing fits and flu-like symptoms. I knew at the time that it was not good. Doctors at the time not could find anything wrong with my lungs, throat, nasal passages, etcetera. Only years later did I come to find that my sleep apnea triggered at that time. I now have treatment but in 2019 I was none the wiser.

Being sleep and air deprived my mental faculties and emotional cognition changed for the worse. I was very much attached to my best friend, a member of this tickle community, with whom I had formed the strongest of friendship bonds. We had begun talking years prior and by 2019 she and I were living together while she finished off her time in the Disney College Program. My time hanging out with her was the happiest I had even been in my life.

I can recall very clearly the day things turned South. We went to LegoLand to check it out and have fun. My coughing fit began that day and with it my breathing issues. My mood turned sour very quickly, my depression strengthening with each day. Her time in the college program was due to end at the end of the Summer at which point she was to return home to her family. I knew I was going to be sad but she and I were siblings in the manner in which our friendship was defined. I was a source of safety, fun, peace, and openness for her to be her best and her true self. And that sadly disappeared after that day at LegoLand.

My lack of oxygen strengthened and fed my anxiety and depression. The medication I was taking was never going to be enough to deal with the thoughts and feelings swirling through my head, but I didn’t know that at the time. I clearly remember my sadness being never ending. My little sis was a major empath, and could feel my sadness and anxiety. It became too much. Instead of just enjoying our remaining time together my emotional state became toxic, making her feel cloudy and sad herself while around me. I was poisoning our relationship. I was toxic.

She left early to finish her time in Orlando at another friend’s house. I can remember the last hug we had, which she only gave me because I asked for one, tears in my eyes and thoughts of how I ruined everything in my mind. I had pushed her away accidentally. I had ruined what was supposed to be the best and strongest friendship of my life. Her driving away has turned out to be the last time I have ever seen her.

I miss her. I miss her every day. It has been five years and I still miss her. The hole she left, a hole I created, will likely never fully close or heal.

My advice is to never let any potential medical condition, whether physical or mental, go unchecked. Take the time to talk to a medical professional and/or a therapist the moment something is off or feels wrong. Don’t become me and lose the brightest little star you’ve ever met because you didn’t treat the symptoms on time and became poisonous to those you truly love.

How about you Disney Pin me to wall and tickle me with those Jazz Hands? 😉

1) Very clever. A+ for the puns.

One of the odd things is that after the end of a concert season I tend to get depressed. The post concert blues are real. For months I find myself amongst fellow musicians, interacting with others through music and coordinating both in spoken and wordless synchronicity. Once the job is done all of the work is put aside and a new set list is produced. The period between the new and old sets is usually not spent playing music…and despite performing with most of the same people for almost three years now I’ve not really made friends in the group.

I’m a leader in my jazz band, both informally and also by formal title. My peers do respect me and they do chat with me, mostly about music related stuff. But I don’t ever hang out with them. I don’t feel close to my fellow musicians outside of playing music. I never feel interesting or cool enough to ask anyone to hang or go out. I feel lonely. I feel alone.

I do have people who I love and who love me. I get to go home to a loving cat and a doting and wonderful partner. Friendship wise however I draw blanks. I tend to only really have one or two friends outside of a partner at a time…and currently I have no one near me to chat or hang out with. Part of that is me not being proactive and instead being reactive, believing that I’m not fun or that others would actually enjoy being around me outside of the music scene.

It doesn’t help that I have BPD and currently do not have a “favorite person” in my life. My last real FP left a year ago, and a potential third for my partner and I broke my heart in February. Not having a FP means I don’t obsess over another person, but it also means I feel empty inside. It allows me to have more time and put more effort towards my partner, who makes me very happy, but anyone with BPD who has a partner knows that the person you love romantically fills a different role and need than the friend who fills the FP role in our unique BPD psyches.

I’m going to likely begin weight loss medication in the next few weeks. I believe my weight is holding me back in terms of my energy levels as well as my ability to find our third. It’s hard. She needs to be polyamorous (though not necessarily Polysexual as being asexual or demisexual actually would be awesome), she needs to love (and I mean LOVE) tickling, particularly on the receiving end (though lee leaning switches are amazing), should love Disney and theme parks, and wants to travel and explore new and familiar places with my existing partner and I. Those people are hard to find.

Way up high

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far

Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow