ChampagneDream

DO. FUCKING. NOT.

Hey, men.  MEN!!! *taps on screen*  Hello?  Testing… one, two, three, testing… Is this thing on?

Yes, I’m talking to you.  I need you to pay close attention to something I’m about to tell you, and I’m pretty sure a large percent of the female population is going to thank me for it.  Now, to be clear, SOME of you don’t need this message.  I’ve met a few.  Some of you have done the (arguably agreeable) research, and have also had honest (we’ll get to that later) partners.  But for the rest of you?  Listen up.

Contrary to what the porn industry (and some partners… REALLY going to address that later) have told you, guess what?  Women, to the tune of 70% (yes, that’s ACTUAL data, not a number I just pulled out of my ass), do not have an orgasm through intercourse alone.  I feel like I should repeat that… NOT THROUGH INTERCOURSE ALONE.  Quit blinking and shaking your head… yes, you read that right.  So for those of you who thought that repeatedly inserting tab A into slot B would do the trick… it won’t.  

There is this lovely little (well, usually little… I have seen some whoppers that, in all honesty, I can’t quite wrap my head around, but kind of like the old song says… ‘every clit is beauuuuuuutiful…. In its own wayyyyyy.’) thing called the clit.  Clitoris.  Say it with me now… CLIT-OR-IS.  This little goody is tucked away at the top of the girly bits beneath a wee thing called the hood.  It has, per square inch, more nerve endings than any other part of human anatomy, and two to four TIMES the nerve endings of the head of your cock.  Let that sink in a minute… you know how good it feels when your girl licks or sucks or even BREATHES ON the head of your cock?  Imagine that multiplied by FOUR.  (…)  You just got hard, didn’t you?  Anyway.  I don’t blame you if you are surprised by this information.  In 2005 a study of college students (of all ages) showed that 29% of females and 25% of males couldn’t find and label the clit on an enlarged anatomy drawing.   How freaking frightening is that?  Pretty sure 100% knew where the head of the cock was, for fuck’s sake.  It’s not like the clit is Wonderwoman’s airplane… invisible to the naked eye (though how no one ever saw HER bright red and blue ass bouncing around the friendly skies is beyond me… but that’s another discussion).  It’s there, it can be found pretty damned easily, and it is certainly responsive to attention.  Trust.

So 70% of women you will run across while looking to either find a partner or a playmate?  Will only achieve orgasm through prolonged clitoral stimulation.  Now, to add to your state of mind-blownness (yes, I made up the word… it works, so just adapt), I have another fun and relevant fact for you.  Ready?  Contrary to what porn and some women (yeah, we’re ALMOST to that part) have convinced you of, guess what the average length of time of SUSTAINED clitoral stimulation until orgasm is?  Just take a guess.  From personal experience, it seems most of y’all think it’s maybe, oh… three minutes, max.  If a girl is lucky.  But in fact, the average length of time is 20 minutes.  AVERAGE.  (…)  TWENTY MINUTES.  To boil that down a bit, that means some of you may get a girl off in three minutes, but some of you?  It may take forty.  But the majority of us are going to rest in the 15 to 25 minute range.  Let that simmer for a bit, too.

This massive campaign of misinformation that has led the majority of you to think that women orgasm from straight intercourse and after only a few minutes has a couple of primary sources, and a fair number of lesser ones.  Porn (let’s face it, it IS a male dominated field, both in production and purchase, so it’s no wonder that it panders to the opinion/desire/ease of the male consumer) is tied for first place in culprits.  Every woman loses her MIND in multiple and loud orgasms just from some man shoving his cock in her.  I envy the woman, in some ways, that can do this, but it is NOT realistic.  Not even remotely.  Sadly, though, the myth is perpetuated, and easily absorbed by each young generation of porn watchers as they come of age.  So what happens when they meet and get naked with a woman who has an actual and normal physical response/time requirement?  They think one of two things… either she’s defective, or their skills suck.  (…)  Yeah, how many of us think that any person, male OR female, would choose to think the latter option?  Nope, men in large numbers latch on to the former, assigning blame to the poor woman who can’t orgasm the way that porn taught them women can.   But as much to blame as porn is, there is an equal if not larger culprit…

Ladies.  *shakes screen* Yes, ladies I’m talking to you.  Not ALL of you, though of course I welcome you all to listen, but the ones I need to hear this?  Those of you who fake orgasms.  You know who you are.  Don’t EVEN try and play like you’re not out there.  As a woman myself (surprise, surprise!), I have had countless girlfriends who have readily admitted, when the menfolk aren’t around, that they often and with abandon fake orgasms.  Me?  I haven’t faked one since I was, oh, I don’t know… 20, maybe?  I just hit a point early on of seeing the futility of it, and that it wasn’t getting me what I wanted.  It doesn’t make me any better than anyone else, to be clear, but it at least clears me of perpetuating the MYTH of the easy and intercourse-driven orgasm.  I have asked my girlfriends, repeatedly, why they fake orgasms with their playmates/partners, and generally I get one of two answers…

1) “I just don’t want him to feel bad, like he failed.” -  Okay, I get this, to a point, but there’s a problem.  He DID fail.  I don’t mean that as an indictment, like he’s a bad person or beyond hope or even lazy… I mean he failed to hit the goal, period, no personal attack involved.  And a big part of WHY he failed is because a large group of women keep TELLING him he’s doing it right… how the fuck is he supposed to learn it’s not going the way it could/should/might if all he’s hearing is that it’s all rainbows and unicorns?

2) “I was just ready for things to be done, so if I make him think I had an orgasm, he’ll finish quick and be done with it.”  Now, to be clear to the men, this does NOT always mean ‘ready to be done’ in a negative way toward you, like the woman was bored/over it/rather be painting her toenails.  Not at all.  Sometimes our parts just get sore, we get tired, we need a break, etc.  Unfortunately, a lot of women have chosen to lie about having an orgasm rather than just TELL YOU that we ARE sore, ARE tired, DO need a break.  This is NOT your fault!  As women, we should be open and honest about where we’re at, both physically and mentally/emotionally.  Faking an orgasm as a shortcut around doing that sharing?  Is doing NO ONE any favors.

Now, there are men out there who know everything that I’ve just shared and are simply too lazy or selfish to be bothered to do what it takes to see to their partner’s pleasure.  But I FIRMLY believe that this is NOT the case with most men.  I will repeat that, for clarity… MOST MEN ARE NOT LAZY OR SELFISH LOVERS.  They simply don’t realize.  And this creates several obvious problems.  But the problems aren’t JUST for men…

As a female, I spent the overwhelming majority of my life believing there was something wrong with me.  I couldn’t orgasm easily, and not through intercourse.  I believed I was SUPPOSED to be able to do both these things.  Not only because of how men treated me (like a defective model, and a burden), but because (in my younger years) women weren’t sharing that they were faking, so as far as I knew?  They WERE all having these fast and easy to achieve orgasms.  I developed a huge complex.  This causes…

Men complain that too many women ‘get in their head too much’ and can’t cum like they’re ‘supposed to’.  Well, the former statement is true, and the latter is bullshit (as we’ve established).  Yes, some of us (a great many of us) get in our heads a lot.  It is almost always (not always, but close) due to the pressures and criticisms placed upon us for having normal body responses vs the imaginary/overstated ones that we’ve been talking about before this.  We internalize this like crazy, and as soon as a man starts going down on us, our minds start circling and fretting about how long it will take us, how he’s probably ALREADY disappointed just because he’s HAVING to go down on us versus us being able to orgasm through the tab A and slot B thing, how guilty we feel over how much work we are, etc.  Does ANY of that sound conducive to orgasm?  DOES it?  Yet the very men who helped give us the complex that drove us into our heads?  Bitch about us being in our heads.  Well, I have a news flash for you, fellas… WE DON’T LIKE IT, EITHER!

The other part of us getting in our heads?  Bad behavior by partners.  I had a man look up at me once from between my legs, after (at MOST) three minutes of half-heartedly applying his mouth and tongue to the general vicinity of my clit, and ask me, “Are you even CLOSE to cumming yet?” (…)  Well, even if I HAD been, no, I certainly wasn’t now, Mr. Orgasm Killer.  And no, I’m not kidding for the sake of writing humor to drive home a point… that REALLY happened, and I wish to GOD I could say it was the only time that the same or very similar had taken place.  Now, the irony is that if men removed all pressure, simply enjoyed the process of making their female partners feel good, and made sure the women knew that they LIKED doing that to/for her, and had NO time expectations, nor even the GOAL of orgasm… just a pleasurable act that they were, in turn, taking pleasure in?  That orgasm they want would happen, organically, a FUCK of a lot closer to the time that they were WISHING it did.

Okay, I know a lot of people are probably all butthurt over what I’ve written here.  Men feeling offended, women defensive, blah blah blah.  But I will clarify this one last time… I don’t think, by and large, anyone had malicious intentions in either creating or promoting the orgasm expectation that exists for women.  I do NOT think MOST men are lazy and selfish.  I do not think MOST women realized the repercussions of their actions while pretending to orgasm to save the feelings of their partners.  I wrote this in a funny/sarcastic way a) because it’s my style, and b) because I think that will make the content more digestible and memorable than if I’d just rattled off facts and a plea of ‘please stop doing that’ to everyone.

One final note, in closing…