Nuggets, Nuances and Narratives

I come home to find my cup filled.

I am also back to my creeping thoughts of bereavement.

I thought of the word Fam Bam. It’s often used to refer to family. I have my spouse and kids but the reality of not having my parents and my sister around gives me a sense of sadness, that I will never have my family back the way it was. It’s a painful thought.

What do you do when people you know die?

What do you do when you are in so much pain inside that you can’t function?

What do you do when you’re faced with mortality?

What matters most?

Do I leave it all behind and start over?

I am sitting here writing.

I am sitting and watching a tv series.

I am detaching myself.

I am doing nothing to move along.

I am sinking slowly.

I am drowning slowly.

I’ve gotten sick and experienced immense anxiety since going back to work. I couldn’t work because of the noise. I just stay home in bed. Or eat out with the kids. Have limited interactions with people. Every time I go to court or to my cubicle I don’t have the same drive and motivation to do well. I don’t enjoy socialising as much but when I do I put on a game face.

I realised that I was so immersed in work and I forgot to take care of me. I stopped exercising after surgery and I can’t get back to it. I miss being in an intimate relationship with someone. I miss going to sleep at night with arms wrapped around me. My kids are grown and they no longer cling to me.

I want to study again. I want to move on from present work so I can afford the balance of work and life. I want a new partner in life.

I was married and had a baby at 22 years old. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life and had very little life experience to consider myself to have had enough of the single life.

I may have a good life now but I do have regrets about getting married early and about the choices I made since then. I have learned to forgive myself for my errors in judgement. I hope my children forgive me too. Adele’s song Easy on Me rings true.

"Easy On Me"

There ain't no gold in this river

That I've been washing my hands in forever

I know there is hope in these waters

But I can't bring myself to swim

When I am drowning in this silence

Baby, let me in

Go easy on me, baby

I was still a child

Didn't get the chance to

Feel the world around me

I had no time to choose what I chose to do

So go easy on me

There ain't no room for things to change

When we are both so deeply stuck in our ways

You can't deny how hard I have tried

I changed who I was to put you both first

But now I give up

Go easy on me, baby

I was still a child

Didn't get the chance to

Feel the world around me

Had no time to choose what I chose to do

So go easy on me

I had good intentions

And the highest hopes

But I know right now

It probably doesn't even show

Go easy on me, baby

I was still a child

I didn't get the chance to

Feel the world around me

I had no time to choose what I chose to do

So go easy on me

The pink calamine lotion of my childhood was a staple in our old home in Quezon City because we had a big garden and no screens then to keep mosquitoes and bugs away.

My mom would rub on calamine lotion on each of my itchies. The thicker, the better. I always felt that having the calamine lotion on stopped me from scratching and kept the mosquitoes away. No kulambo needed and I slept soundly. (In between my parents) I would wake up the following day and the red mosquito bites have subsided.

When I saw it in Watsons the other day, I bought a bottle. Not because I still get bitten by bugs. I just wanted a piece of that time in my life back. When I was young and safely tucked in bed. When I was the baby. When my only concept of pain was a mosquito bite.

Is there calamine lotion for what hurts us inside too?

When I worked in Manila for a couple of years, my life revolved around going to work daily and hanging out with friends at night. Mostly getting drunk enough before bedtime or checking out new restaurants. Good times on hindsight.

Some people judged me for my lifestyle. It used to bother me then. Years later I realised I just did not want to be alone. My spouse and children were in Bataan and being away from them Monday til Friday really hurt me though I didn’t know it then. I did a lot of selfish and destructive things before, not knowing that I was hurting myself in the process because I was lonely.

Now that my life has stabilised and I have finally found a job that allows me to be with my family and come home to them daily, I realise that I have found peace with myself. I am able to do things for myself now that I didn’t get to do while I was in Manila going out playing hooky. I’ve travelled more, explored yoga, riding a bike, playing golf, and read more. Still doing stuff for my enjoyment and improvement but no longer destructive.

For me I put some Young Living Peace and Calming oil on my temples, behind my ears and on my toes. I soaked in a tub with Epsom salts and Young Living lavender oil.

For my daughter I rolled some Young Living Kidscents Tummygize on her belly to ease her tummy ache.

For the spouse I put Young Living Deep Relief on his legs and feet and Young Living Breathe Again on his chest and throat.

My oil journey used to be my own. It’s so nice to see that now my entire family benefits from it too. My investment in oils (it’s a bit pricey) has become worth it. Wellness, both physical and mental is not something to be stingy about.

Much ado about the controversial video of Belo Medical Group. As of this writing the video has been taken dawn. View video here.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xb6_xmvLV7w

Belo Medical Group has issued an apology after social media exploded with comments.

I will be honest here. I laughed out loud when I saw the ad. The sheer in your face shock and awe or so politically in-correct ad made me laugh out loud. Maybe because I related to it on some level because being in quarantine or restricted movement made me incapable of travel and unable to visit the gym. Staying home most days meant I didn’t have to dress up or make an effort to put make up on. Seeing the woman transform into a hairy, full bodied and dermatologically challenged individual resonated to me. Because it kinda was me.

Did I take offense at the end mage of the woman transform to “ugliness”? I did not. Apparently there were a lot of people who took offense. They found it insensitive and done in bad taste. Some people say that because of our bodies, ugly or imperfect as it may be, we have survived this pandemic.

This made me question myself. Did my laughter or finding humor in the ad make me less sensitive? Was I politically incorrect for finding it funny that we have let ourselves go during this pandemic? Is beauty or dermatological and aesthetic care not a priority or should take a back seat? Is my sense of humor a reflection of my own insensitivity?

This “pandemic effect “ that the ad suggests is about letting ourselves go physically. It is real. But letting ourselves go is actually a reflection of deeper mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, or some other mental health issue. That is more important to address.

Are people overly sensitive in the way they see things? Is there no humor left? Is the ad actually intending to body shame? Is this now a generation of toxic behaviour hiding behind political correctness?

The ad had since been taken down but people are still talking about it. For me, that is a coup. The ad is no longer visible but people are talking about the Belo Group.

At the end of the day, we choose our paths. How we cope during these trying times. How we deal with people and things around us. How we respect each other, despite differences of opinion.

https://www.rappler.com/life-and-style/arts-culture/belo-comes-under-fire-social-media-for-pandemic-effect-ad

Let me start by saying that I am 46 years old and I have been married for 24 years. That is more than half of my life with the same person.

Arnel and I have been frenemies since 1992-93 thereabouts while we were still in De La Salle University Manila. This guy completely caught me off guard as he walked along the corridors of SJ Walk from Miguel Building of the DLSU Main campus. He wore a striped Ralph Lauren shirt which, at that time, you could not buy from any store in the Philippines. He was wearing Armani jeans and brown leather shoes. The following days, I would see him wear different kinds of Ralph Lauren shirts, Giordano shirts, and a pair of checkered Ralph Lauren shoes. His hair was full and always clean cut. I was instantly attracted to him because of the way he carried his clothes.

Fast forward to a few months later in 1993. I came across him during the university fair. I sold Coca Cola to him. We did not really have a long conversation for it to be considered significant. 

Fast forward again to November 1994. I joined a sorority and fraternity which he was also a part of. Got to know him better and he got on my nerves. Oh yes he did. The crush I had on him completely disappeared. We rubbed along but never got close because I did not like his crowd and I did not like his perspective on things. Back then, I was pretty difficult to cross. I was too assertive with no patience to listen and no humility to take correction. Especially not from him.

Fast forward again to early 1996. He joined Days With The Lord and I wrote him a palanca letter as is the norm. I wished him well on his journey to spiritual upliftment. After his DWTL retreat, and perhaps after earning some sort of respect having attained senior status in the sorority, Arnel began to ease up on the hostility and began to act friendlier. He would call me on our land line. We would talk for hours. We would go out for meals or drinks with our other brothers and sisters in the fraternity and sorority. 

Summer of 1996, I broke up with my boyfriend because we were not headed towards the same direction in life. Suddenly, I was free. Suitors appeared. I began to feel alive and unrestrained. I started going out with other people, inlcuding Arnel and he would always end up bringing me home from nights out. One night, while we were out at Hard Rock Cafe in Glorietta, Makati, the friendship between Arnel and me changed when we started holding hands. The attraction was there. It was exciting and scary because I was not sure if I wanted to get into another relationship. We talked that night and I told him about my fears. He just kissed me and that just shut me up. I let go and took the risk of starting something new with him.

Arnel was so very different from my ex. He never allowed me to go home by myself and always brought me home. He would shuttle from Bataan to Manila just to be with me. He brought me pastries and bilo bilo stored in a Coleman. He was not the type to write love letters or serenade me, but he made me feel giddy with just a few words he would say. He was dependable. He was safe. He was mature. On days when he was in Bataan, we would burn the telephone lines for hours just talking. I would miss him on the days he was gone and looked forward to the days he would be back.

Fast forward to new years in 1997. I spent the holidays in Baguio with my family. My period was late and I was starting to fear the worst. We saw each other right after coming home and I told him about my predicament. We were both just 22 years old. He did not flinch. He did not even think of running away from me. He just accepted it and took charge. He took me to an ob-gyne. He bought my vitamins. And when it was time to leave my family, he just picked me up and let me stay with him. When he told his family about my pregnancy, they arranged for the civil wedding. I was not in a hurry because I knew we were so young but when his family took charge, I realized where Arnel learned responsibility from. He spoke with my dad and told him about our plans. Dad trusted him. Arnel was like that. So easy to trust.

And so, early in the morning of August 9, 1997, with my mom and dad, Arnel and I drove to Orion, Bataan for our civil wedding to be officiated by the municipal mayor. His aunt was the vice mayor at that time. We had a simple ceremony. The family gathered for brunch at his aunt’s house. And we became officially Mr. and Mrs.