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I don’t think I’ve ever felt so good after a night out

#and it’s not because of the night out #I have so much energy I think because #1. no sexuality crisis of doom #2. absolutely stone cold sober (I feel phenomenal. maybe people are onto something)#3. perhaps the sweetest thing ever sent to me in my dms #god #GOOD NIGHT FOLKS WE DID IT #MISSION ACCOMPLISHED MAN

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AND THE CONSENSUS IS…. no new sense of identity but also no depression

#yay…?#I remain perpetually confused #but i think in a roundabout way im going to stop trying to think so much #just exist #be #I don’t need the answers to anything I can just be #and sometimes that’s enough

All I needed was a cigarette wow

#nakahara chuuya I understand you like no other

Oh my god

#yup

I am brave.

#I am going to let myself be perceived.#holy shit.

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I hope that in the future, when I look back at these years where I’m trying to brute force myself into being allo, I will wistfully sigh at how dumb I was

#BUT FOR NOW THOUGH.#ITS TIME TO GET READY AND BE STUPID #‘it’s a spectrum’ YEAH AND THIS SPECTRUM IS KICKING MY ASS #I’m slowly making myself through the five stages of grief #denial was 14-17 #bargaining is 18-whenever #can’t wait to speedrun the other two stages so I can hit acceptance please please please #< well. actually I hit depression a bit ago #I’m doing these stages all out of order #IM IN ACCEPTANCE ALREADY I SWEAR #IM JUST #MAKING NOBLE ATTEMPTS #I know this car is fucking dead but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to jumpstart it #over and over and over and over again #I’m either going to come home tonight with a whole new sense of identity or I am going to sob myself to sleep (welcome back depression!)#no in between #worst part is I can’t even drink or it’ll fuck with the data #I have to do this basically sober.#UGHHHHHHHHH #so help me god why couldn’t I just be FUCKING NORMAL.#< (anger!)

TikTok needs to stop showing me all these forcemasc posts

#I’m gnawing at the bars of my enclosure #WATDATMEAN #seeing three of these posts in the past half hour may literally influence what I wear tonight

KILLING MYSELF

#saw this and hit the ‘wow haha haven’t had a moment like that in a little but I relate’#i was then shot 57 times #body slammed not even 30 second later when this girl walks into my work #sudden death #instant kill #never spiting god again im sorry

cerulean-screams

How does one un-implode their life

cerulean-screams

How does one un-implode their life

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cerulean-screams

How does one un-implode their life

#I hate this fucking bookkkkkkkk I HATE THIS FUCKING BOOK #everyone say thank you Paige Parker #ugh #i want it to.#im tired.#im so so tired.

Lying here will just do nothing

#but at least it won’t do something #I might be more afraid of the something than of what the nothing makes me feel

#i’m going to kill someone #we come here to starve…. you’ve done it again #AGAIN AGAIN #THEY ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN #i am taking these two pictures so incredibly out of context but i resonate with them so deeply #listen the other half of this comic is about reciprocation #and that’s just not an emotion that’s reserved for me #but this OOOUGH

I’m backtracking. I’m fixated. I’m fucking spiralling.

#i need to distract myself #MY PRESENTATION.

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No

#no no #nononononono #I’m over this #I’m fucking #I’m supposed to be over this #I’ve been better #IVE BEEN BETTER IVE BEEN DOING SO FUCKING GOOD PLEASE GOD FUCKING HELL #ITS NOT EVEN JULY ANYMORE WHY IS THIS PLAGUING ME FUCK #fuck #I’m not even seeing the picture wrong I’ve looked at it so many times #that’s a hand on her thigh.#every damn July #every fucking year #I can’t do this anymore #I’ve done everything I’ve done fucking EVERYTHING to decenter her from my life #we see each other twice a week now #I SAW HER TWICE THIS MONTH???#I don’t care I don’t care I don’t fucking care #she can do whatever the hell she wants and I shouldn’t care #I need to be cured I need to be fucking memory wiped #I can’t do this #I’m tired of feeling like this please #eight fucking years of feeling like this #I grieve #everything #I’m better.#I don’t feel like this all the time anymore.#I don’t feel like this every day anymore.#I am so so so much better I don’t fucking live to see her breathe anymore #but it’s just not enough

AAAAAAAAAA

#nnnnnnnnbmmmmmmm

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