the most whimsical creature you'll meet

hi, I decided to finally do an introduction post so here's some stuff abt me

•I'm a 17yo girlblogger, I'm struggling with depression and ed recovery, I go to therapy since September and it's kinda getting better, also I've been on antidepressants for about 1,5 month by now

• I'm from Poland but I speak english and I'm also learning french

• I'm interested in a lot of stuff, I'm a movie nerd, I'm in the marauders fandom and I recently got into Malcolm in the middle, I love reading books, I'm also a musical nerd BIG TIME

• I love music and I mean all kinds I can genuinely listen to anything tho I personally lean more into rock/punk or just alternative music. I love all of it tho, well I'm not a big fan of rap but hip-hop is sooo good.

• If anyone cares I'm bisexual but I don't really like saying it like that bcs I'm not really into labels and coming up with a name for every preference I have.

• I consider myself a really artistic soul. I make stuff from air-dry clay, I really wanna get into making my own clothes but I think that's still a long journey for me, I'm very interested in all kinds of fashion as well. I'm currently self learning how to play guitar, I have a lot of plants in my room and I dry bouquets.

• coming back to fandoms I'm also into percy jackson, b99, house md, bojack horseman, call me by your name, to the bone, girl interrupted, scott pilgrim, red white& royal blue, I'm a Garfield girl, I'm watching heartbreak high and supernatural(shout-out to my hg she's obsessed with spn), I love the to all the boys I've loved before series and xo kitty, I also really like heated rivalry(again shout-out to my hb who got me into that BIG TIME, it's amazing).

• I love all animals, I have a dog(shih tzu), I dream of having a cat but unfortunately I can't yet, but yk I adore all animals.

•as I said I love reading books, all kinds buf usually I go for romance or something with a morally gray character and some stuff that get really into the psychology, I'm currently reading the secret history

• back to music, my fav artist/bands are hole, paramore, Lana del Rey, Fleetwood Mac, quebonafide, Taco Hemingway, charlie xcx, the analogs, type o negative, Weezer, Arctic monkeys, billy talent, David Bowie, HIM and seks w czasach wojny(pretty niche Polish punk band)

there's a lot more abt me so if y'all interested

So there's something going on in my life rn and I need to share.

Sooo I was gone for a little while but trust me there was A LOT going on for me.

Most important thing would probably be I HAVE A BOYFRIENDDD!!!!!!

Y'all I don't even know how it happened, I remember like two months ago I wrote a post about a guy but my boyfriend is not him he's a diff guy.

I'm gonna quote Carrie Bradshaw here "he wasn't a crush he was a crash". Jesus the mf I wrote about before- HOW DID I EVEN FIND HIM HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. He genuinely only wanted me as sum fwb/bootycall.

Back to my bf he's such a cutie srs we were friends before like not really close but we knew eachother. The breaking point to how did we end up dating: I was at my cousins 30th bday and she was having a party w her bf and two ther friends and to my suprise my now bf is the cousin of my cousins bf. Pretty crazy lmfao. But alr so I see him and I'm like wtf is he doing here. We didn't talk at first but he explained that he wasn't sure if it was me bcs he once walked up to some random girl thinking it was me and he couldn't take that humiliation for the second time. But yeah we eventually started talking there and we were drinking and it was pretty fun and we lowkey started making out and when I was going back home I texted him if it was a one-time thing or are we doing sth about it and we decided we both want this to go somewhere and after like two other meetups we decided to just go official. BABES I'M SO HAPPY. He's so adorable and he cares abt me sm and I can see how hard he tries and omg he's just the best cutest guy everrrrr.

As I said before there's been a lot going on so here's the next new thing I'M OUT OF THERAPY BABYYY LET'S GO!!! I'm still on meds but I don't go to a psychologist anymore bcs she said she basically has nothing more to do here and tbh I agree w her bcs those last couple sessions really had no sense at all. I just had nothing to tell her bcs my life was genuinely pretty good. Even if I had a problem before I was able to handle it myself. Even if I have an episode I know how to get past that and how to handle it she told me everything I need to know and I'm a completely diffrent person mentally than i was in september when I started going there. So yeah I'm pretty psyched abt that.

I've obviously had some episodes but really I don't even feel the need to talk abt it.

I gotta say I feel pretty good abt summer I have a feeling it's going to be so much fun.

tbh I don't even know what more to write about but if anyone has any requests or questions feel free to send asks this is a safe space.

oh no dww I actually really appreciate the ask and honestly I love that I can talk about my experience bcs as I said talking about it is very very important.

So it's like this

I would really said it's both of these things, I can be completely fine just purely perfect for like two weeks and it's genuinely good but then I have a stupid fight w my parents or anyone really and it can be really fuckin stupid like over nothing and it's gonna make me want to stay in bed for the next 100 years. I would say this really depends bcs that's not always the same sometimes I just don't gaf about those stuff. So it can be like there's a certain thing that happens that causes the start of the episode or a breakdown BUT

there's also times where nothing actually happens and I just randomly get super depressed. That's kinda worse to talk about with my therapist bcs she always makes me look for a reason something happens when I truly just have no idea. I can have it in very different ways bcs my episodes might have a small cause that make me spiral and unload everything that's been sitting in me for so long or I can get into the episode with literally no reason. It's constat ups and downs and I would say it's different every time. It's really exhausting bcs you don't really know how it's gonna be w u. Also I kinda developed this thing where when it's fine I have a feeling that the episode is coming soon and I'm usually right it can be the same day or a couple of days later. I would also say that there's one thing that's actually good about those ups and downs:

it feels like it's really difficult bcs there's no like routine and you really don't know how you're gonna be but the one optimistic thing about it is

After the downs there's always an up.

That's what I really try to think about whenever I have an episode. In the end it always gets a little better. I think that's the one thing that's kinda better. With depression you really just gotta try to look for some good sides and a slightly optimistic pov everywhere. Some might say that they would kinda prefer to have the constant depression bcs not knowing how you're gonna be is really annoying and exhausting and with chronic depression at least you kinda know what to expect. But in my opinion I'm kinda glad it's like this for me bcs at least I can experience those good days.

SO I would say it's really different for me and it's both of those things bcs every episode is kinda different. It can be caused by a lot of stress piling up or it could be because of a sad experience or a fight or someone mentioning something that happened to you even without knowing about it or it can actually be caused by no reason at all. I think that ever since I've started taking meds it's been kinda better and those times where I get depressed for no reason are really rare but it can still happen.

Anyways I think that's all I really appreciate the ask I'm happy to talk about stuff like that and feel free to send me more questions or requests. Take care angels and remember you're never alone in your struggles. Love y'all 💗

The thing that nobody really tells you or warns you about is when it's been so good already and you were genuiely better,

and then you get a random depressive episode.

That one might just be the worst feeling ever, I'm supposed to have my last therapy session 9th of june and now I feel like I shouldn't. For the last 3 meetings w my therapist I srs didn't have a single thing to talk about, I was SO GOOD and I was happy I thought it was gonna be okay. But then there's my top 1 on the betreyal list- I had a breakdown in the school bathroom. It was like this, my 1st period- math, it was fine it was really fine but at some point I zoned out I didn't really know what was going on around me and I couldn't do anything. My head started to hurt and I lowkey wanted to throw up. Me and my friend left for a while so I could maybe feel better and my math teacher told me to tell my parents so I was like fuck great. Here's a thing about my mom- she does NOT let me leave school to go home she's like crazy on attendance. But alr I called up my mom I'm telling her what's going on and she starts her typical lecure about attendance and all that shi so I zone out again but my head is killing me and I'm kinda arguing w her. At some point she says "fine go home I'll tell your teacher" and idk what's going on w me I feel like shit and I just started crying like full on breakdown while on the phone w my mom and she's like 'why tf are you even crying rn' and I tell her idk idk whats going on I feel so bad and I just cry and cry in that fucking bathroom and my friend comes in to check on me and she just hugs me while my mother tries to calm me down. I'm telling y'all the worst experiance ever. It was so good already and in just a moment everything fell apart. Like ik for me and my depression it's constant ups and downs and shi but this was diffrent I've never been so good and then I spent the next two days in bed.

I'm telling you about that because we really need to talk about depression and how diffrent it is for all of us. Awerness is really important and tbh I wish I heard someone say something like I just did bcs srs that broke me I've had the best time and it disappeared in a brief moment. I got myself back together but it's not as good as it was before.

Anyway I hope my little story helps someone feel seen. Remember that if you're going through a hard time YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Honestly I gotta say if anyone wants to vent or talk about stuff- hit me up. I'm willing to talk to anyone about this stuff. Take care everyone I love y'all and remember you're never alone in this.

omg thank you for this askk

I'm not gonna list them top to bottom bcs I genuinely can't pick an all time fav song sooo

'szpik' by seks w czasach wojny, 'she's not me' unreleased by lana del rey, 'TRAMWAJE' by Taco Hemingway, 'IYDKMIGTHTKY(Gimme that)' by type o negative, 'Christian Women' by type o negative

OMG THIS IS HARD 5 IS NOT ENOUGH I LOVE SO MANY SONGSSSS. Especially if you're like me and listen to every single music genre srs this is not enough that would probably be fav for this month stop I like so much more.

He has one of those cute nerdy glasses AND HE IS A NERD BIG TIME, he has the cutest hair ever idk how this cut is called but it's really cute and messy and he is genuinely so fucking handsome like I don't even know if I ever met a hotter person he literally looks like that one guy on tiktok that you feel married to and scrolling away feels like a divorce HE'S SO FUCKING ATTRACTIVE

ALSO OMG HE HAS SUCH A GREAT BICEPS AND HE'S WORKING OUT SO IT'S ONLY GONNA GET BETTER AND WHEN I SAY SHI LIKE "feeling bad rn(send biceps)" HE DOES THAT WITHOUT A WORDDDD

He has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen he's super funny and nice and so so so respectful and he doesn't pressure me on anything, his voice is also so fucking perfectttt AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SOUND OF HIS LAUGH

He is so perfect I swear and he tells me I'm so beautiful and sexy all the time and it's so nice and he says that I really shouldn't think about myself the way I do because I'm like the most beautiful sexy and cute girl he's ever talked to.

HE'S JUST SO SWEET LIKE HE'S GIVING GOLDEN RETRIEVER SUNSHINE PERSON

It's all genuinely crazy bcs i literally met him like Saturday and he's being really sweet and all lovey dovey and he says he likes me way more than I think OMG. And also I'm pretty sure it's going somewhere good bcs I told him I will NOT accept any form of fwb and if he wants to actually talk to me it's not gonna go down this path and he said okay sooooo

Yeah so that's about it the guy is basically perfect for me and I've never been so down bad for a person in my life and I really hope it's gonna go well.

WISH ME LUCK ANGELSSS