cerberus

A few months ago, between November 2025 and March 2026, I was in a very major depressive episode, and I thought that if I went back to taking my medication (risperidone and fluoxetine), I would get better. Now I've returned to the same old apathy, I can't feel anything, not a single emotion, only anger sometimes, and boredom, but it's not a corrosive boredom like it used to be. No matter what happens, I feel nothing. I just lost two family members, everyone around me is grieving and I can't even care, it didn't spark even a single emotion in me.

Another thing I wanted to report is my lack of empathy. I can spend the whole day consuming content about the wars going on in the world, children and innocent people in extreme situations, and I don't give a damn, I just can't. No criminal case affects or surprises me, I only consume this kind of content because it made me realize one thing: people tend to treat people like me as monsters, but those who commit the most terrible crimes are people who feel emotions, they are driven by them. Emotion, even though it's a toxin your brain releases in certain situations, guides you more than your logical reasoning. It's even a bit uncomfortable to see someone completely blinded by their emotions, with superficial and even fake purposes. Covering your eyes with your own hands might not seem harmful, but if one day your purpose for being alive crumbles, you crumble with it, because you are too weak to deal with the truth.

It's so easy to mess with someone's head hehe

now, for you?

A few years before my uncle descended into a severe religious psychosis, he claimed he saw something no one is supposed to see.

It was the middle of a freezing night. He woke up to use the bathroom, still groggy, dragging his feet across the floor. As he stepped into the hallway, he froze.

Something was standing there.

It looked almost human, but not quite. Its entire body was covered in thick, dark hair, and it stood like a man in a strange, awkward posture that didn't seem natural.

His heart dropped. He tried to run, to scream, to do anything, but his body wouldn't respond. He couldn't even blink.

The thing just stood there, staring at him in complete silence.

Seconds felt like hours.

Without making a single sound, it suddenly turned and sprinted away on all fours, like some enormous dog disappearing into the darkness.

This happened in 2014. No one ever believed his story.

I think I'm scared of being loved. It just feels wrong to me. I can't get used to it. I tried to be a better person, but every time I kissed you, I couldn't even close my eyes. I just wanted it to be over.

Even after everything I did, you came looking for me the moment you got out of that psych ward, covered in scars and burns all over your arms. You gave up everything, even yourself, just to be enough for me. But loving me was never going to be enough with all the violence inside me.

But you know what? This is all your fault.

I told you I was a bad person. You said, "Fuck it" and stayed by my side even after everyone else called me a monster and walked away. It's your fault. I never asked you to stay.

Deep down, I know you liked it. When I wrapped my hands around your neck, you apologized for trying to stop me. I took everything from you, but I opened your eyes in a way no one ever had. That's why we worked so well... and so terribly.

If you still had your eyes, maybe you'd be reading this letter. If you still had your blood, maybe you could spill it everywhere and paint my floor a bright, living red. If you still had your lips, maybe you'd let me kiss you again with nothing but disgust.

I'm here now, lying on your bones, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. All I feel is the same emptiness I've always carried.

There's a hole inside me that you used to fill. Then the hole swallowed you too.

Now I'm lost.

But it won't be long before I'm born again in a wolf's skin.

So I'm writing this as my goodbye.