Centsie Blog

I am too weak and never made the hard choices

Now I am being forced to

Maybe the hard choices back then

would have been easier

They seemed just as hard at the time

All I know is that I will now have to suffer

And I won’t be alone

Have I brought this on everyone?

But what about everyone else’s part?

Do I have to be the only one doing the right thing?the moral thing?

Being the better person?

I am not the better person

I am clearly the weak flawed person

Why am I expected to know and do it all correct and to the highest standards and to everyone else’s satisfaction every time?

Should I have suffered through the difficult times back then?

One needs to grow and the other needs me as she declines

You act as though you need me to take care of you

Almost 50 but acting like a child

You are supposed to be a man

Life has given you tragedy but instead of using it to grow

You wear it like a badge of honour and a reason

For others to pity you

You have no pity for your own mother

Who loses herself more and more each day

You do nothing to help her

You do nothing for your own dog

Everyone else has to clean up after you

Whatever affect the drugs you take have on you

Also have an effect of those you have dealings with

I am holding on my a thread and you are pulling on it and it feels like it is going to break.

How can I carry my heavy burden when you keep piling rocks on top of it but expect me to work faster when you need it.

I would never take my own life but when death comes I will welcome it.

To see the progressing destruction

of your thoughts and hopes

is a tragedy beyond words.

The desperation in your eyes

as you realize it is all slipping away

and you will never get it back again.

The fear that this would come to pass

has been rooted in your mind for so many years

and there was nothing we could do.

Now we just have to go forth, find the laughter

and feel the pain through our tears

Not yet but now now now

The havoc it will wreak

The fall out will be extreme

But what do I do?

Do I sit here like an idiot

Knowing that it will happen again

Door mat door mat door mat

When will I smarten up?

When will I stop allowing fear to rule me?

When will I do what I know to be right

Instead of what I am bullied into doing

I am a piece of shit

I know it

Some days I can push it down

Some days I cannot

Where it came from I do not know

It’s like a building crescendo

Has been welling up within

The threats to burst forth

So close but tampered down

For so very long

But I have had enough

I cannot be this compliant,

Willing, weak, pleasing doormat

For the rest of my days

Or the rest of my days

Will be a living hell

A trap of my own making

But I have finally burst through

Like a baby bird cracking the shell

Now I have to keep pecking away

To be free

To get out of the comfie egg

Out into the uncomfortable unknown

With threats of judgement and rejection

Swirling around

Yes it’s terrifying

But I must get old as I look after her

And look after others

There is no choice

We nurture the young, pay it forward

And pay back the old for their past kindness

But it’s hard, so very hard

Yes, that is life

A lesson I didn’t want to learn

But a knowledgeable JBP

Broke through my glass truth shield

And so here I am

Making hard choices

Crying and making others cry

As I try to do what is best for them

All the while feeling like

Not with one or two

But with many and many.

To figure it out or not to

was the question.

But to live in ignorance

Simply isn’t a choice anymore.

The red pill is in my system

And there is no getting it out.

So I dig and I dig

And the facts become clear

The lies become truth.

The horror is at first

Horrific…..but then

a sort of numbness sets in

The physical and emotional betrayal

Was almost expected

Does a leopard change its spots?

But the length that was taken

To lie and cover the lies

Is a new black pill

That I am forced to swallow

Whether I want to or not

I am almost choking on it

Nothing good to wash it down with

Because everything is poisoned now.

But who is to blame?

Clearly some is mine

More on top of the last batch I took

The last set of lies and deception

I thought we were past it

But I know I never truly forgave

Am I just sticking a bandaid on it now?

Will next time be worse?

Will I be in more shit

That is impossible to get out of

Will I just remain

Taking all the pain

And pretending that it is I

But I can’t slow down

There’s too much to do

It just keeps building

Crescendo after crescendo

What are my choices

Slow down and let it

All fall to shit

Or keep going full tilt

Hanging on by my fingernails

Praying I don’t crash and burn

Wanting to rest

But the guilt and the pressure

And the need to please

All will bring me to an end

What end?

So for a while now I have been feeling very much "if I die meh!". At the same time I don't want to die simply because there are two very vulnerable people who need me to stay alive for their sakes. There are many people who would miss me but I figure they would get over it but the two most vulnerable people never would.

So here's the thing, now I have an enlarged heart. Just found out. This could be the reason for the year's worth of heartburn,the 5 months of dizziness and often feeling drunk, the swollen legs, depression, exhaustion and the upper left quadrant of my body pain in my chest, back, neck etc.

If I was told something like "you have 6 months to live" I could plan to set things up for these two people but with the heart it's so fricken random. I could be going about my day and suddenly drop dead. I think that is the scariest part, that I would go (even mid planning) and I would not be able to tidy things up and organize things for those I would leave behind.

Dying doesn't bother me to be honest, it's not being able to look after those who really really need me that would upset me and leaving them in his world that right now is so full of anger, hatred, mistrust etc.

Fearing the worst and neither getting a confirmation nor a denial is so incredibly difficult and painful. There is so much that we are not in control of, random accidents, global pandemics, our bodies reaction to events and treatments that could not have been predicted.

Cognitive impairments are soul destroying both for the person losing their faculties and the person who loves them watching them go. Further when this comes about because of an accident that happened to them that has catapulted them forward into this state, the feeling of helplessless is so incredibly exponential.

There is something wrong in my body. On the left side. I don't know what it is but it is wrong.

I need to stay alive. My daughter and mother need me to stay well.

So as my birthfather is struggling to get better after a horrific health issue that saw him unconscious for weeks. My husband (you know another one of those evil white males) and I were reflecting on our fathers:

Hubbie's Dad - worked full time while raising 4 boys with his wife. Also went back to school to get the education he needed to progress in his career. Cycled to work in the, often times, 40 degree heat. Always gave 100%. Left the police force due to rampant corruption. Died in his early 50's from bowel cancer.

My Dad - worked out on the freezing cold, often times up in a bucket in the pouring rain. Never complained. Always gave 100%. Ran marathons. Had multiple heart attacks from his late 40's onwards, suffered a stroke in his 50's and died of cancer at 68 (after spending the previous 3 years telling doctors something was wrong, only for them to tell him it was all in his stroke affected head).

My Father - worked his butt off with his wife early in their marriage so that she could stay home and raise their kids. Always gave 100% to every job he ever did. Never took an actual holiday - always worked on their home during his time off. Stood on his feet all day in most jobs and put up with crap from people who always wanted to squeeze more out of him.