celestial dirt

from my cage ~ noise boyfriend

all crushed out on the way you are

At times I’ve felt like mutilating myself. I felt like this before I ever met you. Before I knew what it felt like to sit cross-legged peeling an orange by your blaring electric heater while you stared at yourself in your bedroom mirror. A towering angry thing. Before you knocked it over and I hardly even flinched. How I said it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok over and over again. How I wondered if the curse was broken shattered into a million tiny knifes reflecting the light all across the floor. Before this I often had the feeling that if I could I would rip each limb off my body. It wasn’t a way to die–I didn’t want that. Rather, I wanted the gross relief of destroying myself. I wanted the ultimate collapse. I want to sit pure light surrounded by my body. I could kiss you with such tender calmness. A way I could never kiss myself.

i am a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl / drink me, make me feel real

all is full of love / bjork

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