Lepage Glue Gun Isn't Real It Can't Hurt You

saw iii - tip to toe, that’s a saw movie. this movie has it all: disgusting traps, disheartening traps, traps that just ruin your whole day, the dumbest fucking protagonist you can imagine, the color green, all of team jigsaw wearing hot topic clothes

saw ii - you watch this movie and you’re like “that’s saw.” when there was the needle pit, that was saw. when there was the razor box, that was saw. is the puppet in this one? i dont know. it’s saw. there’s even the bathroom

saw iv - this is what people who have never seen a saw movie think saw is and they’re right but i wish they weren’t

saw 2004 - you’d think this would be the most saw but it’s not. actually it should probably rank even lower but because it prominently features the bathroom and the puppet and not one but two saws, it stays up here. points deducted for hardly any gore or deaths. points added for the inability of any single actor to do an american accent

spiral - my understanding of spiral is that someone wrote an absolutely excellent movie and turned it in and then received the note that while they wrote an excellent movie, they did not write a saw movie. then a worse writer was tasked with keeping the skeleton and rewriting all the dialogue to be 50% worse. when you watch spiral, you will say out loud “this is not a saw movie” the exact same number of times as you will say “THIS IS A SAW MOVIE.” true neutral 

saw v - imo hoffman is not very saw but he is SOOO hoffman in this that it becomes saw again. the traps are so hoffman that hoffman becomes saw. water cube pog

saw vi - perhaps this is controversial placement, but this movie is just not as saw as people seem to think it is. is it a good saw movie? yes. is it a good movie? no. is it a saw movie? it would take me three paragraphs to answer that and we’re pressed for time. it’s not in the spirit of the original saw to make games based on vengeance over rehabilitation, but it is VERY saw that it inexplicably takes place in like an abandoned zoo 

saw 3d - this is a terrible movie but it is technically saw. much like spiral, it has moments of being very saw and being not saw at all, but the difference is it’s bad. it was saw when cary elwes was there. it was not saw when jill was there. it was saw when that woman had the hook in her mouth. it was not saw when they did the camp game where they had to walk across the planks blindfolded. actually that was kinda saw. it was so incredibly not saw when jill had a nightmare about getting sexily hit by a train that it cancelled out most of the movie.

‘83 in ‘03 (for alan mcgee), pants yell! (2003).