I've come to a decision. It's not one I'm particularly happy about, but I think it's for the best.
I'm going to stop drawing, and I'm gonna stop trying to become an artist. It's what I've wanted to do for over a decade now, what I went to school for, basically the only skill I've ever learned in the 30 years I've been alive. It's not an easy goal for me to drop after so long, especially without anything to take it's place. All I've ever known is art and making art.
But it's started to do me more harm than good. I constantly bash my head at a brick wall while telling myself this time it'll work, this time it'll succeed, this time I'll be worth something, and every failure just throws me deeper into feeling like I'm just worthless and wasting my time. At some point it stopped being something I enjoy doing and started being a desperate shout of "please tell me I haven't wasted my entire life, tell me I succeeded at something", and I've just been stuck listening to the echos of that shout and realizing I haven't accomplished anything at all.
I'm not deleting my art account. But I'm pinning this message here, and I'll only be using my secondary account from now on, for non-art things.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself going forward. I don't know what I can do. I've only ever done art, I have no one to turn to for support, I can't afford to learn anything new. If I didn't have Carlisle I don't know if I would even try to do anything at all.
