Corporate Bullshit Death Spiral

People don’t buy a $49/month productivity tool. People buy evidence that they are trying. #cbds #tech #leadership #sales #philosophy

We are thrilled to announce that in response to employee feedback, we have added a nap pod to the San Francisco office. It is located in 32B, just opposite our CEO’s office. #cbds #tech #innovation #leadership #nap #pod #office

Say hello to Velocity Mode. Velocity makes everything feel faster. We moved some animations around. There’s a new swoosh sound. The loading spinner is now a lightning bolt. Testing shows 78% of our test users described the product as “snappier”. #cbds #tech #innovation #loading

There's also a new dashboard widget called "Health Score" — it's a number between 1 and 100. We're still finalizing what it measures. Early feedback suggests users find it "motivating" and "concerning." #cbds #tech #leadership #innovation #dashboard

People don't buy software. They buy permission to believe in themselves. Charge accordingly. #cbds #leadership #tech #software #apps #sales

We sent a handwritten letter to every user who hadn't logged in for 30 days. Users cried. Real tears. It was generated by AI and printed by a fulfillment warehouse in Reno. #cbds #tech #leadership #reactivation #users #tears

Updated core value: “We Obsess Over Our Customers (Legally)” - added clarification after incident. #cbds #tech #leadership #customersuccess

We renamed the pricing page "Your Investment In Yourself" and conversion went up 9%. #cbds #tech #innovation #leadership #conversionrate

Reposted our own tweets calling ourselves "the app everyone is talking about" until everyone was talking about us talking about everyone talking about us. #cbds #tech #innovation #churn #app

Trust falls: mandatory. Catches: optional. Growth through impact! #cbds #tech #leadership #trust

We changed the cancel button from "Cancel Subscription" to "Abandon My Goals" and churn dropped 22%. #cbds #tech #innovation #leadership #churn

“Freely you have received; freely give.“ - Matthew 10:8. And Section 12, Paragraph 4 of our Data Sharing Agreement. #cbds #datasharing #tos #agreement #privacy

New company core value: "Be True To Your Original Self" We support your personal development as long as it stays within pre-approved parameters. (the version we hired) #cbds #tech #leadership #personaldevelopment

This meeting could have been an email. It is an email. You are reading it. I am writing it. Q3 looks strong. #cbds #tech #leadership

Paternity Leave Policy: You may leave. The building. Once. For 30 minutes. Photograph something that resembles joy. Upload to shared drive. Return. #cbds #tech #leadership #paternityleave

Brothers and sisters, your data is a gift that you shall share freely. As we shall share it freely with “trusted partners”. And “trusted partners” of “trusted partners”. #cbds #datasharing #data #tos #terms #privacy

Growth is a mindset. It's also a series of marginally legal dark patterns applied with genuine enthusiasm. #cbds #growthmindset #growth #tech #leadership