silent speaking

sweet memories i’ve learned to avoid because they are the blanket of nostalgia on a cold winter night that keep me warm yet suffocate me inside

Too many are willing to sit at God’s table, but not work on His field.

Aries: You can build a life, but not with the dust and people of your past. You deserve a better future, you just have to let go of the monsters you keep trying to call your friend. You deserve more. Taurus:  This is only temporary. You will not be stuck in this place forever. This moment is only temporary. I know that you can get past this. Just please don’t give in to the monotone. Gemini: Build your walls. Protect yourself from everyone you know is toxic. Because even if you miss them more then air they are still poison and you still need to stay far the fuck away from them. Cancer: Learn to control your vices instead of letting them control you. You’re not fooling anyone, we can see your act. It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to break you don’t have to hide yourself away in a fucking bottle every night. Leo: Sometimes you have to let some things go. Let some goals go. Because you need to come first above all the other bullshit. And some things are impossible. You’ll kill yourself trying to get to them all. Virgo: Try and find who you use to be. If you put it in the pipe or hide it in the bottle of pills. You’re still a good person. I still see that maybe there is something to be redeemed in your eyes. Please tell me you see it to. Libra: Sometimes they’ll get closure before you. They can’t decide what harm their actions do. Just because they’ve said their sorry doesn’t mean you need to accept their apology. Tell them to fuck off and dust the dirt off your knees. Scorpio: Do not isolate yourself. Do not pull and hide yourself away from this beautiful world. There is so much more then those 4 walls that you keep yourself in. Come, it’s time to explore them. Sagittarius: Enjoy what you can get out of something and move on. If it doesn’t serve you anymore, it doesn’t belong in your life. Which is fine, even though it hurts. Nothing is perfect but there at least needs to be some kind of balance. Capricorn:  It’s not a contest of who got more bruises or who has more emotional trauma. It isn’t a war against others who are suffering. Your pain is still valid even if you are only drowning in a few inches of water and they have a sea. You are both still drowning. Aquarius: Breathe. Do not let the chaos consume you. This world is going to try and kill you. It is trying to kill you. But you are better then that. You still have all the pieces you need. Just learn to put them together and make armor. Pisces: It’s okay to let go at some point. It’s okay to let yourself slip up every once in awhile. Relapse can be a huge part of recovery. Pick yourself up, know it isn’t day 0 just cause it feels like it, and keep going. You’ve made too much progress to give up.

And I hope I never have to read your mind word for word. I want the little thoughts of yours to be written down on pieces of my skin. I want to see the bursting laughter of yours all over my body the way one sees illustrations covering the pages of a book. I want to feel the lovely parts of your story trickling down my back the way one feels the spine of a newly bought book. I want to study you and find new ways that you are incredibly wonderful the way one does with their favorite book.

I feel alienated. I am a drifting being floating into Earth’s atmosphere that no one has a name for. I am the specie that scientists study their whole lives; until they die never knowing how to describe me. I am an object of mystery to those around me. Even my family doesn’t understand me; hell, I don’t understand me. And it’s been this way for a while to tell you the truth. I’ve been floating place to place hoping someone will discover what and who I am. I’ve been hoping for a hand to take mine and pull me out of the darkness. I wish to be exposed, yet I wish to stay undiscovered. I want to be known, but I don’t want to be known and forgotten. I would rather be a mystery that everyone lets float away after giving up on trying to crack my code. And that’s how it ends. Everyone gives up. I’ve almost given up.

On nights like tonight it’s impossible not to cry. It’s hard not to long for something I haven’t had. I lost my Nanna six years ago, and she was my favorite person. I remember eating so much jello and frozen yogurt snuggled up together on her couch. I remember dancing around the house to Hannah Montana and Mariah Carey cd’s just because we could. I remember sleeping in the bed with my Nanna like I was a little baby, but it didn’t matter that I wasn’t, because I was HER little baby. I remember family gatherings that would always be held at her house because she had such a love for people. I remember always having pool birthday parties because I loved to be outside in the sun swimming and being with my Nanna. I remember her being there for every event I ever had and taking care of me when she was sick. I remember so many things about her, and I miss them all. But what I miss most is the relationship we had. As a kid, you’re suppose to be able to grow up spoiled by your grandparents. As a kid, you’re suppose to be able to look up to your daddy. As a kid, you’re suppose to be surrounded by family bonds that make life so much easier. As a kid, you’re suppose to go to formal and have your Nanna take you to your hair and nail appointments and have a girls day. As a kid, you’re suppose to have your dad meet the guy you’re going out with and get to see him scare the poor boy half to death. There are so many things that mamaws, and pawpaws, and dads, and aunts, and uncles do that are hard to grow up without. But I’ve had to do that. I have grown up without a dad. My Nanna died when I was a little girl. My family is not very well put together and I rarely see them, which means I have no close ties. I have step family, but I’ve never bonded with them the way I bonded with my Nanna. I’ve grown up without all of those relationships and it hurts so much to see others with that relationship. To think of what it would be like to have one, and how special it would be. But that will never happen and it’s a deep ache in my heart.

A wise person once told me that sometimes we expect too much out of people without ever using our words to tell them what we need. Sometimes we love way too much and it’s okay because people need to feel engulfing, passionate love. Sometimes we just need a best friend to know us in the good, bad, beautiful, and ugly. Sometimes we ask for a lot and forget that we never asked for anything at all. Sometimes we laugh too hard at the moments that shouldn’t be remembered, but two people will remember them as if it were already written in the ancient history books. A best friend is there for the unwritten history. A best friend will love you and love you and love you even when it seems to be too much love. A best friend will push you to your limits and still find a way to save you from jumping off of the cliff. A best friend will be the hate you need when your heart is in the mood for playful sarcasm. A best friend will stand by you when you’re right, and stand by you when you’re wrong, But that best friend is only a best friend if she calls you out and makes sure you’re aware- whether it hurts you or not because you need to know. Through the laughter and the pain, Through the late nights talking about nothing and the early mornings sending inspiration back and forth, Through the arguments that come then go And the happiness that stays, I will be your best friend. And I’m so very thankful that I’ve found someone to accept my passion and poetry, my beautiful and my ugly, my put together and my rearranged, my expectations and the goals I haven’t set yet, my sarcasm and seriousness, And most of all, I’m glad to know that God has given me someone who ruins the good times, and the bad times better. Let’s be remembered as the people who made fun of one another like it was an instinct, And accepted every act of love with eyes wide open when others were blind to the meaning of it. Love doesn’t always come in the form we want it, And no one will understand the bond we have, but let me be the one to tell you that history hasn’t seen one friend love another as much as this one does you.

She asked, “Why would you want to write about me?” And I looked into her dark brown eyes and said, “Because beautiful people hurt. Beautiful people scar, and beautiful people think they are ugly because of it.” She couldn’t understand why I wanted to create phrases and punctuated thoughts about all of the moments that she had lived and never talked about. She couldn’t understand that she was loved in such a way that even the darkness longed to be loved by the stars as much as she was by her people. She didn’t understand that she was the definition of beautiful in every language that had ever been invented. And she didn’t understand that she was still a masterpiece in her brokenness. She could never be ugly.

I wear passion like its my favorite t-shirt.

Don’t label me and don’t stereotype me. Don’t put me in your categories and please quit trying to define my existence. I’m not an object you can put inside of a box, place on a shelf, and mark to your liking. I am me, and although I might be a broken me; I am still me in all of my insecurities, all of my hopeless dreaming, all of my chaos, And more importantly, all of my beauty. I am a wonderful mess intertwined with passion and rage and flaws overflowing; but I am still me. I do not fit the societal standard that you or any others want me to squeeze into. Though you may call me just another number in a crowd of millions, I am still me. And I am defined by a God bigger than the cages you’ve tried to push me into. I am a different kind, And I won’t be bound by the materialistic views that come from the eyes of conformers to this world. Because the eyes of my God don’t bind me to anything but His love and grace and mercy never ending upon my soul. And if I’m going to be entrapped at all, It sure as hell won’t be by you.

I thought I had to let go, But I can’t release something I never held onto. So for me, I guess the hard part is to stop reaching for the parts of you that belong to her.

My mind never gets tired of the thought of you.

I’ve known peace But I’m trapped in this chaos. I’ve known freedom But in these chains I’m still lost. I’ve known love But my heart is smothered in hate. I’ve known beauty But this ugliness is surrounding my fate. I’m a contradiction wrapped in imperfections with a conscience that never forgets to say hi to my demons.

I used to show you all of my words until the periods at the end of my sentences became more about you than the rules of punctuation.