Just Ramblings & Reblogs.

Note to self: you’re killin it, dude.

1- You’ve Lost 30 lbs.

2- You passed probation at your new job.

3- You went to Switzerland and Germany in September.

4- You ran a half marathon in October.

5- You ran the Turkey Trot 10k in November.

6- Your creativity is back. You’re drawing and making stuff.

7- Your arthritis symptoms are basically gone.

One of the hardest things about making changes in your life is that habits that you are so consistently used to doing are hard to unlearn.

I’m battling two different things: 1) learning to be more active/revising my relationship with food and 2) forgetting about someone that I was in a “one sided love” situation with.

In a way— I’m upset that I allowed myself to lose my prime years of my young adult hood because I fixated on someone for way too long. Not only that, I’ve limited my opportunities to see past that because I didn’t love my body.

Things to note:

I have been working at my new county job since 12/27.

I ran 3 miles today - the first time in a long time where I actually tried to run since my arthritis diagnosis.

I want to be appreciated and wanted. I want to live a healthier life and I want to feel secure with myself and my body.

I’ve been going on walks every day since the start of the New Year. I’ve upped my water intake and have been eating healthier.

I’m gonna love myself like I deserved to be loved. I’m going to treat myself like I deserve to be treated. I’m going to happy because I want to be happy.

Prioritize the experiences that allow you to access the feeling you want to feel.

1- That feeling of security and warmth. Like their arms wrapped around you while they gently kiss your neck. You both overlook pretty scenery and you wonder how you’ve never felt this way before.

2- The feeling of hot summer nights, but with cool breeze that touches your skin.

3- The feeling of happiness. Your heart can finally soar so high that you don’t understand how you can be this happy.

I imagine that they would talk to me about deeper things, and that we would maybe be cuddled between the sheets— watching the rain fall down through the window.

I imagine that all my thoughts and feelings would be safe with them, and they would have insightful things to say back to me. I imagine that I’d always want to feel this way— peaceful, calm, and happy.

In another life, I think we would be together. But I met you far too late.

And honestly, I’m glad you are here in this city. There’s got to be a reason you ended up here of all places.

Because I met you, I’ve learned about what I want in a life partner. And you may never ever know that it’s because of you that I came out. Actually, you’re never going to know. And that’s okay!

Two years ago I couldn’t stand the idea of me never being able to confess my feelings for you because of the situation. So much so, that I let myself not talk to you for nearly half a year for something stupid and petty.

Now, I’m okay knowing that I’ll never tell you how I feel. I don’t feel bad about it because for the past two years I’ve made strides to move on and find someone for me - just like you have someone for you. Also, wouldn’t it be weird for me to suddenly tell you that I’ve had strong feelings for you at one point after all this time? No thanks.

I’ve been dating women almost exclusively for over a year already.

Damn— I haven’t been on here for a year. A lot has happened since then.

I was really unhappy last year with my job, my love life, and my living situation. What a complete 180.

Not that anything has actually changed. I moved out last July, and now I’m moving back in with my parents. But hey, I did it. I dated like.... 5 people— none of them stuck. But hey, that’s life. It’s COVID-19 still — so I’m working in a completely different settting, working from home, and my 6-month probation is almost up for my promotion. I also have a puppy!

For the first time in a long time I have zero prospects in dating. There’s no one in mind. I don’t pay any special attention to anyone.

Maybe this is the time to work on me.

I’m starting to get used to the idea of not liking her anymore. I don’t feel as anxious or sad anymore and looking at her photos doesn’t make me super emotional. I think I’m gonna be okay. 😊