alright. i have had time to rest, and no longer am in a panicked, or other severely mentally unwell state. despite this, i still warn this might be scattered and unfocused. i have a few things to address, but i will attempt* to be brief because i am only doing this so i can move on. spoiler: quitting clash/toontown.
i am also not going to tag this with anything. it is also your choice to believe me, or not, with the things i will say, but i do request being listened to, to the very least, and not picked apart.
*... nevermind, you guys should know how i speak at this point. long as hell.
first, a genuine apology i believe i owe, in regards to the maintagging thing. in yesterday's mindset, i have not considered that people would not like to see negativity in the tags. i had forgotten about the tumblr etiquette of leaving those things out of the main tags, i was so lost in "getting a message across". i had not considered that it may cause upset, and admittedly seeing something like that with other things, in main tag, would be upsetting to even me. i apologize to those i have hurt with that decision.
explanation, not an excuse; yesterday, i had decided to main tag my frustrations, believing it was the right thing to, for awareness on the situation. i had gotten fixated on the point of people being silenced, and my strange sense of justice has lead me to doing that - so things are heard and seen. it is a genuine flaw i have, where i will butt my face into things i should not, believing i am doing the right thing... and then get into trouble. i thought i had introspected enough and gotten it under wraps - but i clearly had not and it all got over my head. once again, i do apologize for any upset it has brought up by being maintagged.
i will hide and untag the offending posts until i decide what to do with them. i want to delete them, but removing any ""evidence"" and whatnot, may look bad. my intention with this would be removing any harm done, rather than clearing myself off any fault.
this does not change my opinion on things. however, it was foolish of me to not consider any other views on the situation, and posting on it rather blindly. in my eyes, for some reason at the time, i thought i would not be seen... despite maintagging it, specifically, to be seen. i admit, that is a gap in logic and is a little stupid.
even with the asks i have received, the whole situation - i practically chose live-posting and "being there when it happened" and memeing about things, over thinking logically on things, and taking time to read things. it was about proving myself to an imaginary audience, on a blog i barely even use, so i can be "hip" and "on with the current events". not exactly the best things to do. however, and this might somewhat diminish my admissions here - regardless of this i still believe i am entitled to speak on things if i wish. BUT. the way in which i did so was indeed foolish and inconsiderate of others.
HOWEVER. and this is addressed to the askers and others who went after me for this,
despite my faults, and my wrongdoings, i will stand firm on this: it did NOT warrant any harassment. not towards me or anyone- though, as far as i am aware, it was only me here.
my thoughts not aligning with yours, and my poor decision to maintag, did NOT warrant harassment. (though, the worse consequence of that, i now realize - would be spreading misinformation, to which i see the concerns.) i have not done so myself (harassment), and that reaction was entirely overkill. i will understand that emotions were flying wild both on my end, and the other end(s). but, wether it was all one person or multiple people sending those asks and the reblog. i do not think that is the correct way to react either. i am not saying all conflict must be resolved with a rose in hand, speaking calmly... emotions are certainly allowed.
but misreading what i am saying ("hateboner", after i have said my frustrations and criticisms have come from a place of love for the game.) and harassing me is not the correct way to do it. "how other way could this have been done, then?!" - block me. do not respond. i understand i may be feeding the trolls here, engaging when i myself say things like "block and ignore". but i did want a statement to admit my faults AND to speak up for myself.
i was told my reaction was overkill for it being around toontown, but... i do wish to point out how hypocritical it is, being yelled at and accused of things and completely misread and harassed, OVER TOONTOWN. OVER ONE WORD I CHOSE POORLY.
now, onto that, the bootlicker thing. as i noted previously, i did parrot that after discussing the recent happenings with my friends. which, was my decision to do so. the mood was light and jokey, and my way to respond to an ask i thought was strange and kind of unwarranted (because to my knowledge i did not involve myself further other than the poorly decided main tag, and speaking out on a situation i was concerned about), was in a similar tone. especially being anon, and not any specific individual... it is easy to forget a person wrote that. i just found it amusing, that i was the person that was transfixed on, to be "proven wrong". for... maintagging a potentially uneducated post discussing some frustrations i had. (could have educated me in any other tone.)
i did not consider the origins of the word, and how it is typically used politically, specifically with cops, governments and other who harm marginalized Black and Native Americans. the way i have used it, was in a broader sense - someone who blindly defends someone, an authority. someone who is/may be hurt by said authority, but blindly defends it anyway. that is how i saw it - blindly defending clash leads (nobody specific) when, at least, in my eyes and to my, admittedly, limited knowledge, things were done wrong and harm was caused. it was not meant to be "fandom police"... (where did you get that from, anon...? /genq)
anyhoo, i apologize for the word choice and the connotations that might have had. i have not much else to add, other than i must do better. i do not believe i have the right to speak on this topic as a privileged european white person. and my heart goes out to those affected by unjust treatment and blatant racism within the community.
that said. i do not think it was worth this harassment and bad faith accusations, when i did not know things. at all. not me, not anybody else, and GOD i regret mentioning i have OCD. and if i dare be even a little mean here. get a god damn hobby if you need to go out your way to accuse and yell at people over a few fucking toontown posts. i will know my place now, and not discuss clash drama topics any further. i just. still find it very strange i was messaged these things as if i am some large force to be reckoned with. i am one flawed stupid individual who did not know everything and made poorly thought out posts. i do not know how else to tell any of this.
as for the assuming it was leadership talking to me - i had assumed the first ask, which i did reply to, was leadership, due to the wording of "since i left". i did take with a grain of salt, because, yeah. why would *i* be told that by a (ex) dev? i am not that important. however, with the later asks and my emotions being high, and my paranoia around certain things and authorities (will not mention for safety reasons)... i had easily assumed everything else was clash devs trying to "silence" me - when i was already transfixed on that topic, and in high emotions i catastrophize, and obsess over impossible forces seeing me as a target.
i do not think that conclusion especially in an unwell state, is impossible to come to. and certainly does not warrant harassment. for those who react to light frustrations and criticism with treating it as a personal attack and fester on negativity... do better, man.
i would reply to things more directly. i would. but for the sake of keeping any of this cohesive, before i begin acting poorly again, i will not as it will only make me spiral further to the same awful state i was at yesterday and be stupid. aka making extremely brash decisions without much thought and not only hurting myself but others as well.
i am done with things. i will no longer be caught up with clash drama. i will not respond to things about it. i will not speak up on it any more. if i educate myself more on things, it will be entirely in private and not sensationalized into witty tumblr responses.
i kept clinging onto clash, because of all the good it brought me. because i loved it dearly, i loved the characters and my friends and the world, and how it helped me in diffcult times. i held onto that past that no longer is. and, i hoped, it could be that again. i hoped, that, the game would be what it used to. i hoped that despite my issues, that i had because i wanted to see the game be well, the game WILL be well. despite any drama and bad actors - that things could be alright.
i held onto that foolishly and it drove me to eventually obsessing over a drama i am not even personally involved with, because of the quiet around clash in general otherwise. a strange, unecessary obsession that has only harmed me. i think it is time to let that go, and move on with my life. not hold onto these things. especially if, despite my love, am blinded by frustrations and hate with how the game continues to be treated. it is not good for me, and i blindly clung onto things whilst harming myself, for god knows what reasons.
so, i officially quit toontown and corporate clash. i am keeping this blog. moving on does not mean i want to forget the past. if the development, and the things i believe even with limited evidence, just based on vibes so *i* can be proven right with my obsessive mentally ill worries hurts me so much... why stick around? if i feel no joy anymore here why stick around? besides, i would not have involved myself with things i do not know much/fully about, about names and people i do not even know.
and if harassment is what i get for speaking out, and making a few bad decisions... i finally can see it is time to move on and let things go, and let people enjoy things even if i may disagree on things, or have my worries with it. i have felt unsafe in the fandom for years so... this really is the final nail in the coffin for me.
i believe that was everything i wanted to say. thank you for listening and your time. and wether we agree, or disagree, i hope there are good days ahead for you, reader.
i hope my points come across well. i will not be re-reading this and i have things to attend to.
