and for this I read all that Balthasar??

me, ever since I watched The Two Towers, narrating single diaper change: we be nice to them if they be nice to us. taaaake it off us!

dealing with the mother of clogged milk ducts

child slept from 9pm to 4:45am!

those viral “songs your baby will LOVE!” on instagram annoy me soooo much. okay so maybe you didn’t inherit a collection of weird little ditties your dad used to sing to you. but then what about the ten thousand badly rhymed and incoherently melodic songs you should be personally making up every single day while sleep deprived out of your mind, which if anyone overheard you would die of embarrassment? I invent a dozen odes to my baby’s cheeks every time she smiles and they all suck and she loves every single one of them!

rejoice with me brethren, for my grumpy baby slept from 10 to 4, woke up and condescended to nurse, and then was wide awake so joined us in our bed where she kicked her little feet and burbled for ten minutes until she got mad that it was dark and there was nothing to look at and no one playing with her, at which point (5 am) my husband heroically got up for the day and decided to try her in the swing. she had not enjoyed the swing earlier in life, but today, she fell asleep in it and slept for two and a half hours!!

it feels like she hates me because I rode next to her in the car this weekend and didn’t pick her up out of her carseat when she cried

refilled my water bottle and assembled a collection of snacks, prepared to get settled in for a nice long baby nap with my book in my bed. baby was so overtired that she screamed her head off every time I tried to nurse her. I took her downstairs and rocked her and walked her in circles and rocked her again until she would FINALLY eat. she fell asleep in the rocking chair, at the opposite side of the house from my water and snacks and book. I am too afraid to get up.

the mortifying ordeal of hearing someone not in your immediate family of origin read a beloved picture book out loud and they’re doing the cadence wrong

the child is going through a drooly phase due to her insistence that her entire fist must be in her mouth at all times, so I dug out the little bibs that make her look like a bandit which we got from the registry, only to discover that her little neck is so fat that they don’t fit her 😫 no bandit baby! 🙅🏻‍♀️🦝 👶🏻 she is too chunky to live a life of baby crime 😔

my daughter generates lint in her sweaty hands like Tobey Maguire!Spiderman generates web fluid from his body