Catching Feelings

*A quick blurb I had to get out of my head and onto paper and found today. Want to get back into doing these*

"Look." He said into the dark, pointing across the gear shift towards somewhere in the distance beyond the trees. Breaking the childish line I had set in my mind for his side of the car and mine that he was not to cross. " The fireworks have started." A peculiar thing to say after virtually an hour of silence in the car. It wasn't the soft kind of silence of two people who had become comfortable existing next to each other, but the kind of hard silence that meant there were a million things that needed to be said but weren't. The piercing silence I had come to perfect, watching my Mother. 'You did something wrong and I want you to know I'm more than pissed'. Being with Justin was never easy, but it never used to be this hard either. 

“You know I don’t still love her right? People just need to make sense of the lyrics.” He muttered, playing with his fingers; a nervous habit he picked up over the years. 

 I stared passively at the road, blinking slowly, unaware of anything but how close he was to me, and how desperately far away I wanted to be in this very moment. It was almost as if someone was mocking me. Here was a very romantic moment that would've given pause to any young couple with their entire lives in front of them; a moment that only happened in my imagination, something I wanted to share with him. Except we weren't…sharing that is. We were neither a couple, nor had our whole lives ahead of us anymore. It was ruined. Like it almost always was. Instead there was me, feeling like the clown, and there was him…and maybe her? He sat back in his seat quietly, looking out his passenger window. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his shoulder twitch slightly as he no doubt contemplated turning to me to say something else. He thought better of it and my lip quivered as I gripped the wheel tighter and sped a little faster. We were almost home, where I could shut the bedroom door on him and lie in bed, properly mourning the metaphorical death of my life as I had come to know it.

 Let me just preface this by saying, I'm not a bad person. What I am is a person in a bad way.

*Three days later*

"I would die for you." His lips trembling, eyes searching mine for…anything. He wanted me to say it back or risk looking like the bitch between the two of us. But I couldn't do it. For two years I had been saying it back without thinking, and now we were here. We were standing in our kitchen having this conversation argument.

 "I wish I could still say the same." I said throwing my arms up, exhausted from trying to navigate through these traps he tried laying for me in the mazes of our limited conversations. I turned away, my body guarded. If I looked at him for too long I would break down and tell him what he wanted to hear. He opened his mouth and closed it again. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. "And I think if you thought about it, you would realize that you don't mean it either."

 "I can't believe you would say that. After all this time…"

 "I can't believe so either, but you know what? I am so exhausted and things change. We certainly did." I went back to packing, leaving him standing there watching me. My earbuds a definitive end to the conversation, while I forced my mind to drift elsewhere, anywhere except for this house. I closed up the last box and dropped it by the door as my Mom walked back after taking my suitcases to the car. 

 "Is there anything else? Anything you're missing?" My mom asked. My favorite lamp in her hand.

 "Nothing except the key." I said looking around at his things.

 "Then let's get you the hell out of here." I dropped the key on the counter and moved to leave. 

“ I love you.” He choked out again. 

Nothing comes to mind when I’m dancing. Not work, not my exes, money, not even him. And that was especially true tonight. My girlfriends vowed to show me a good time tonight and I found it. It was 6′1, and played for Vanderbilt. And I was drunk. Very. The best part about dancing with somebody was that you felt the opposite of numb. You just didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was in student debt up to my ears, I didn’t care that my lease was almost up, and I certainly didn’t care that Jay and  I had gotten into the biggest fight in our relationship, and were all but broken up. All I cared about was who was buying my next drink, what the next song was, and whether or not I was going home with this very hot full back from Vanderbilt whose name I still didn’t know. Until he was suddenly on the ground. 

“Who the fuck are you??” Justin yelled, already gearing up for another punch.

“Who the fuck are YOU?” No name yelled back. I stood up after being knocked down with full back in shock. “Are you okay?” He asked, turning back to me, helping me steady myself. My girlfriend at my side immediately after noticing the commotion. 

“JUSTIN WHAT THE HELL!” I screamed above the music. 

“Who the fuck is this?” Vandy Full Back went to shove him before I stepped in between them.

“Y/N, you told me you were single!” He scoffed before storming away.

“WAIT!” I screamed after him, Justin grabbing my elbow and swinging me back around to face him. 

“ Don’t you dare!” I screamed, struggling to free my arm. “Get off of me!” My girlfriends were around me in seconds. They handed me my next drink as I regained my courage. 

“I am your boyfriend Y/N.”

“Not as of this afternoon you aren’t.” He drew back as though I’d slapped him. 

“I thought you just wanted a bre-”

“You thought your time would be better spent fucking other girls while I stupidly waiting for you to come home. Well, I’ve woken up.” I took another sip of my drink and went to stumble away, looking for that hottie that stormed off.

“Looking for that pussy you were dancing with?” He spat out. I threw the rest of my drink into his face.

“He was a gentleman, and twice the man you ever will be.” I turned and almost fell, Justin there to catch me.

“Let’s get you home.” I slapped his hand away. 

“I’m not your problem asshole. Go find someone to fuck and leave me alone, it’ll be just like old times anyway.” I rolled my eyes. Looking once again for the guy. Justin looked hurt. Good. I shoved him out of the way. Storming outside for a smoke. Needing to get away from everyone. My vibe ruined. 

“Need a light?” A voice asked, I looked up from where I sat on the curb. My heart dropping when I saw him.

“ Do I need to beg to get you to leave me alone?” Suddenly his car pulled around. I took a long drag and flicked the butt away. He picked me up, the world spinning as he did. I didn’t realize how sick I was until I was in a moving car. Without me realizing we were in his driveway and he was supporting me a I tried to walk inside. Too out of it to protest I kicked off my shoes. 

“Let me get you some water.” He whispered. He was back in  a flash. I took one gulp before I bolted for the bathroom, the bile climbing dangerously up my throat. He was there in an instant. Holding up my hair in his large hand. He let me finish.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I croaked, taking another gulp of water, wiping my mouth as the toilet flushed.

“Is it normal for it to snow this much in an hour?” I asked Jay, wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets standing in front of the window.

“Yes baby. It always snows like this in the Canadian Mountains this time of year. I know you’re from the South but, trust me. It’s normal for this much snow.” 

“Yeah but the weatherma-”

“Y/N, love. We have all the booze and food we could need. And condoms...” He winked, coming over to wrap his arms around me. Nuzzling into my neck. “Let me make you a drink to help you relax.” I pulled him back before he could walk away.

“No. Stay. Help me warm up a different way.” I stood up on my tippy toes to kiss him. 

“All in good time love.” He kissed my nose, squeezing my butt before going over to make me something I could swear had three different kinds of liquor in it. I threw back not long after he handed it to me; relishing how it warmed my insides on the way down my throat. “Now...how about that other part?” He murmured against my throat. I could still feel the wetness of his lips on my throat. The smell of whiskey taking over and clouding my brain. I sighed, as Justin slid the blankets from my shoulders. We watched them fall in a heap around us as goosebumps sprouted up my arms, the fire warming our exposed skin. 

He sat down on the couch, pulling me onto his lap. “Warmer?” He asked under half shut eyes. 

“Almost.” I moaned. He began to move his crotch in a circle formation, as his tongue worked its way through my mouth. Clumsily, I pushed him down, lying on the couch, switching until he was on top. I could see his boxers thrown hastily to the ground. He put his index finger in his mouth before moving down under the waistband of my panties, finding exactly what I hoped he would.

“You’re so wet Y/N.” He moaned into my mouth, his fingers sliding inside of me, pumping in and out. I bucked my hips, grinding into his. He was already rock hard, getting bigger and bigger by the second. He wanted me to beg, and I was too horny to stand my ground. 

“Please” I sighed. 

“Say it.” He groaned into my neck, his hips working miracles against my crotch. 

“Jay-”

“I need to hear it.”

“Fuck me Jay, I’m too cold to be teased like this.” In a flash he tore off my panties, throwing them aside. I gasped at his large dick suddenly replacing his fingers. Agonizingly slow, he pumped in and out, moaning my name. I matched his every moment, needing him further and further inside of me. “Faster baby”. I whimpered. He began moving faster and faster, our cries picking up together as we moved in unison, desperate to get warm. He lifted my legs up, resting them on his shoulders, hitting my sweet spot perfectly with every thrust like this. It took only seconds in this new position before we were both screaming, collapsing in a heap on top of each other. 

Riding in the car with Justin would be the most annoying cutest thing. He is one of those drivers who always has to have one hand on the wheel and one hand resting on your thigh at all times. He would constantly be looking at you and you would have to playfully force his eyes back on the road.

Been inactive for awhile but I’m back and need new material to work with. Thank you to those I’ve heard from while I’ve been offline. Xoxo

“How are you feeling?” I managed to get out.

“On top of the world now.” 

“Jay, I’m serious.”

 “So am I.” His stare was unwavering, I took his hand, crying under the weight of what we were leaving unsaid between us. He moved to brush the tears from my face. We sat that way for a minute or two. Neither one of us saying much. 

“I don’t know what to say here...” I admitted, playing with his fingers, afraid to look him in the eye. I am his, he knows that. 

“Say you missed me too.” He whispered. “Look at me.” He said softly after a minute. I looked up, and he closed his eyes. “I-I’ve thought about this moment.”

“You being in a hospital bed??”

“No. You talking to me.”

“Jay-” I sighed. “I’m afraid.”

“I made you afraid of me.” He said more as a statement than a question.

“Yes.” I admitted. “But I know that I love you, I’m not done loving you yet.” I looked at him to find his eyes welling up with tears.

“I’ll never stop loving you Y/N. I need you.”

“I’m right here Jay, I’m not going anywhere.”