i need you to stop insisting that i'm not a lost cause

unattaching myself from all feelings. 

wow, i’m so pathetically hopeless. 

it’s been 3 years. 3 years and you’re just now coming around to have some semblance of a normal conversation with me? why? why now? i’m just waiting for one of us to say the wrong thing and for this to turn sour. not that i want it to, it just feels inevitable. i hate that with every word i just want to tell you i miss you. that there hasn’t been a single day i didn’t think about you and wish things could have worked out differently. i don’t expect things to take that route this time but at least maybe if i can keep things from getting ugly i can maybe have you back in my life in some sort of way. that right there would be a major win for me. i’ve been needing you.

i don’t wanna do this to myself anymore. i don’t want you to do this to me anymore. i think maybe i’m finally just letting go. time to find someone who wants me and will appreciate me and never destroy me the way you have time and time again. i’ve rebuilt myself from your destruction for the last time. this is moving on. 

i haven’t eaten in nearly 24 hours and have slept maybe 4 hours in the past 3 days. I’M GONNA LOSE IT. 

i’m still sticking up for you. STILL. despite everything. despite knowing they’re not fully wrong about what they’re saying. you are taking advantage of and exploiting my weakness for you. and i’m STILL saying i’m the one to blame. why am i like this? why are you like this? why are WE like this?

she called me hers and i just about had a full fledged panic attack. how do i answer that? sure this weekend has been nice but i’m nowhere near ready to be calling myself someone else’s again. things with chad haven’t been resolved and i’m just supposed to jump into something that has felt nice for a couple days? it’s too much too fast. but what if i miss out on something great? how do i get myself into these situations?