Saudade

that right there was the kind of support she seeked whe telling her mother what had happened. what she’d done. with gabriel, she told him to make him stop and listen, to everyone else, she’d done nothing but see the scene unfold right in front of her eyes and ask for help. but she needed to tell her mother because she was the one person who wouldn’t look at barbie differently. at that point, she douted even her father wouldn’t. “ how’d you deal with it ? in the army. ” she wasn’t really looking for advice, just to hear a story to get her head off of her own.

Catarina sighed as she continued patting her daughter on her head and contemplated her answer. “I.. I didn’t really deal with it in the beginning,” she answered truthfully. She’d originally been guarded from some of the violence, they didn’t want to put the princess of Italy in the middle of the action but she had insisted and eventually she’d been put on the field. She’d seen some things and when she’d come back home she had mainly tried to surpress her horror. She didn’t want to worry her parents who hadn’t wanted to send her away to begin with and the only person she could truly speak about her experience with had been her oldest brother who listened with no judgement or pity.  “I didn’t really talk about it much with anyone but then I couldn’t sleep at night, I was always worried and on the edge. I married your father almost immediately after and then you were born so I tried to not think about it. But eventually... I just had to talk about it and deal with it. I went to therapy for a while and reconnected with some of my army friends. I felt so much guilt, you know? That I had to do what I did. But talking about it, and then working with army families in Portugal helped. I tried to turn my anxiousness and guilt into something positive.”

“Did you enjoy being home?” How are you feeling? That was a question that Stefania was asked a lot the past few days and not even the queen seated in front of her got her to answer it with complete honesty. “Things have been stressful lately but I am managing. I’m sorry I have not dropped by or at least called.”

“Oh yes. Nothing beats the Italian sun and water,“ she smiles. It has been a nice trip -- while it lasted. She had missed home and it had been nice to see almost the whole family. “That’s good. Are you taking care of yourself? Oh please, don’t worry about that. It happens.” 

ariel, in her endless optimism, had wished for nothing more than for things to fall in perfect place, just so. perhaps she should’ve known better after her ordeal, and that she should have no business in expecting the best – but there she was, shaking like a leaf just because someone dared to say ‘no’. “i just thought… well- that love couldn’t survive after a few years, if you’re lucky - so why not just stick with someone who you have fun with?” there was no eternal feeling, to her, and she had reconciled herself into feeling love in small, yet passionate, increments. but conversation turned to henri, and she felt the familiar rush of excitement that accompanies beginnings. “we aren’t… really - we had a drink once, and he walked me home…” she almost felt like a teenager again, omitting tiny details in the accounts of her nights with handsome boys. “i think i might like him- it’s not terribly difficult to do so, anyway. and i think he likes me too!” god, could she get anymore juvenile? it seems as if the answer was to be a resounding; yes, as ariel continued with the smallest hint of naïveté in her eyes. “if i …have a relationship with him- that means france wont hurt us, right?”

“That is true, but sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s the other way around really, love grows from your loyalty and dedication to each other, the secrets and rituals your share. I can’t say I loved your father the day I married him, I just thought he was handsome and intelligent enough. But this life we’ve created together - and with you, Biel, Barbie, and Nando - helped grow that. Even though he still drives me crazy sometimes,“ she joked. She didn’t often talk about the beginning of her relationship with their father, they met and got married and that was that. Cat let out a soft laugh as she listened to Ariel speak, the tiny stain on her dress long forgotten. “He walked you home?” she raised an eyebrow but didn’t inquire further. For now, she was just enjoying listening to her daughter talk about her love life. “Of course he likes you, who wouldn’t?” She smiled momentarily before her smile slowly disappear. “Oh, amore mio. Please..” she took Ariel’s hands in hers, holding them softly. “Please, don’t worry about that. You don’t need to handle France, and you definitely don’t have to enter a relationship to try and keep us safe. That’s mine and your fathers job,” though it seemed lately they couldn’t do it properly. “Are you worried about France?”

“ that’s just our fucked up reality, innit ? ” a lot of people wished to be royals, to live the luxurious life one was just born into and had to make no effort into getting. but it had a lot more cons than pros, no amount of money or power made up for the level of danger surrounding them at all times. she pondered for a second before laying her head on her mother’s lap. “ how can it not be a feeling if i feel it ? ” the question itself was how could that be the only thing she felt. “ i don’t feel anything else. ” or maybe she just couldn’t tell what it was that she was feeling but it not being a pure and massive guilt spoke too loudly in her head.

With a heavy sigh, Cat nodded. Barbie was right. None of them had decided to live this life and she couldn’t do anything to shield her away from it. “That’s okay as well.” Usually Cat could read Barbie like an open book, mainly because Barbie wasn’t afraid to tell her every single detail of what she felt or what she was doing. But now she didn’t know what to do or say to crack her open. She softly ran her hand through her hair, smoothing out any stray hair that had escaped. “It’s okay if you feel nothing. Or if you’re feeling all the emotions at once. Just take a deep breath and let yourself feel. Either way. I am proud of you. I’m proud of how you handled it, how you protected your family.”

“Oh no, don’t worry about it. I was just looking for somewhere to stay and rest for a bit actually.”, Stefania explained before walking closer to her aunt. “Maybe I should stay right here then.” She laughed lightly. “Yogurt, lots of yogurt.”, she joked. “Are you feeling okay?”

Catarina chuckled and shook her head, tapping the seat next to her. “Ah. Makes sense,” she smiled. She nodded, “I’m fine. How are you feeling? How’s everything going? We haven’t catched up in a while.”

ariel knew it was happening even before her mother said the words out loud, and tried her best to formulate a strong enough defence without bursting into tears. but even before she opened her mouth to hastily blurt out her excuses, she was left blinking slowly up at her mother with wide eyes. “oh- um… i didn’t really do anything, you know – which probably was the wrong approach to it.” people kept on saying that relationships need work, an arrangement even more so, and ariel shouldn’t assume that a decent betrothal ( even in her first try! ) would fall from the sky straight onto her lap. her cheeks coloured pink, and she managed to shake her head a few times. “i moped around a little,” she admitted, not willing to take the compliment without her mother knowing the facts. “it was a little embarrassing, actually, i thought i could’ve done a little better…” barbie is going to be queen one day, with a respectable husband and a handful of well-adjusted kids, while biel usually had his pick of eligible – and illegible – women, and nando still had ample time. where was her place? “but i think i just got asked out by henri d’orleans.” she blurted out the information without much preamble, and felt herself heat up even more. 

“Ariel,“ Cat sighed softly as she shook her head. “What could you have done? These things... They don’t always work out the way we think they will. And sometimes doing nothing is the only and best thing we can do.“ Cat had been in a similar position when she was younger. Between 9 siblings, she knew she wouldn’t have a chance at getting a significant, influential title in Italy and had gone out to make sure she was set on her own. But she and Ariel were so different, and while she had already been quite fond of Henrique when she was younger, she knew how difficult it could be to wake up every day next to somebody you weren’t sure you were in love with. “You’re still so young. And you deserve love. This... this could be a good thing almost. You get to learn from this experience and do it better next time - if you want there to be a next time.” Catarina kept a straight face as she listened to her daughters face. “Oh?” she tried to let the word out without any judgement, because she wasn’t judging. But she was a bit surprised. “I didn’t know you two had gotten close. How do you feel about that?”

“ i did what i had to do. ” is what barbara told herself every time she thought about the situation. god only knows what else would’ve happened had she not acted without thinking. it had emotional consequences for her, of course it did, but the alternative was worse: she doubted the sammarinese would’ve stopped at just alessandro had he succeeded in that. if his plans were to end the monarchy, he’d have no problem killing every other person in that balcony and that thought alone gave her a small bit of inner peace. having her mother there also made everything less exhausting, catarina’s strength was something barbara relied on a lot more than she’d like to admit. she had no problems telling the queen what happened because barbie knew she’d understand. as a child, barbie somewhat resented her mother for making her take all those fighting lessons and self defense classes; as an adult, she not only understood but was thankful for them. “ just tired. haven’t had the time to take a nap yet. ” or the mind but that was unnecessary information.

“But you shouldn’t have had to do it. And I’m sorry you did.“ Catarina had never intended for her to need any of the self-defence classes she had enrolled her in. It had mainly just been something they could hopefully bond over, and more importantly she had hoped it would have given Barbie some confidence. She patted her thighs softly, motioning for Barbie to lay her head down. “Here, lay down for a moment.“ It wouldn’t be the most comfortable position maybe but it would give her a moment to relax and take a deep breath. “You haven’t really answered my question though, tired isn’t really a feeling. It’s okay to feel... however you feel right now.“

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there. Was this your seat?“ Catarina looked up as she stood up. “It’s a very comfortable seat actually, I think I might just steal it from you,“ she chuckled and gave her a soft smile. “Gosh Stefania, you’ve gotten so tall, what have you been eating?“

Cat was on her third (or sixth?) cup of coffee and none of them had had its intended effect. Holding the cups at this point felt more like comfort to substitute for the fact that she couldn’t grab the people closest to her and physically put them under her wings. She looked up at her eldest son and gave him a soft smile. “My sweet son,” she laid a soft hand on his cheek and leaned her head to the side. “Have you eaten?”

“ah-” she felt guilty for even asking, sheepish smile and all. ariel couldn’t fathom being in such terms with barbie, but she supposed that with a family boasting nine children discord between siblings would be commonplace. “oh i’m fine! inviting foreign royals into our party makes everything… interesting, doesn’t it? at least i don’t have to dance with every single great uncle we have, right?” she laughed, almost convincingly. there were many thoughts racing all at once. had her mother seen her dancing with the french prince earlier in the night? did she see her former betrothed parading around half-naked? was she angry about her own dress that left… little to the imagination? she really couldn’t stand having her family worry over her now, they’ve already spent far too much time doing so. instead, she took some of the damp tissue and held it experimentally close to the spot that she thought her mother had referred to. “where is it? …although me asking bodes well for the dress, i think no one noticed!” 

“That is true. I think the dress will be fine. Honestly I’m more concerned of your grandmother noticing and forcing me to go change. Ah, see, the uncles you don’t want to dance with are the ones that will still find a way to get you to dance with them, no matter how many people are in the room. Your best bet is to look busy with another elder so they don’t approach you,” Cat smiled at her daughter as she watched her help with the dress. She loved her children of course, and was protective of them but all in different ways. The three oldest were adults now and she couldn’t baby them anymore, but Ariel was still her little flower and she still wanted to protect her from the world which didn’t deserve her. She hated the word fine, was anybody ever really fine? “How are you feeling about the engagement not happening anymore? I.. I wanted to talk about it with you sooner but.. I didn’t know if you wanted to deal with it on your own at first, or if you wanted me to help you,” she spoke with a soft voice and let out a sigh. They were all so different and operated in such different ways. Where Henrique might have been better at catering to their different personalities, she was still learning to let them be their own adults and not rush in to fix the situation at the drop of a hat. “Engagements aren’t easy,” she left out a soft chuckled, her own engagement had caused quite a stir in her family. “But I’m proud of how you’ve handled it.”

“ i forced down a fruit when i went home. ” the answer came vague and short because it was a lie, the one thing that did not cross barbara’s mind at all since the previous night was eating. normally barbara wouldn’t dare lying to her mother so shamelessly but there was no other way to stop the woman from worrying any more. “ i think it’s better if nobody knows what happened. ”

“Hmm,“ Catarina narrowed her eyes as she watched her daughter, trying to decipher if she was telling the truth. Her stomach dropped and her heart sank as her daughter spoke. Beyond the heartbreak of her nephew being in the hospital and her disappointment in herself of not being able to handle the situation, the events following the shooting had added salt to the wounds. How could she have let the situation play out the way it had? How was she not there to protect both of them? “You’re right. I’m sorry you had to do that,“ she spoke in a low voice. Catarina was prideful but she knew (sometimes) to let her pride go. “It’s not easy,“ especially the first time, she finished in her head. Catarina was no stranger to the situation, her time in the military had shown her enough and given her enough grief and disappointment in herself that she still carried. She had hoped her and her siblings’ children would never have to go through it. “How are you feeling?“ 

“Well, if it isn’t my tenth favourite person in the world, showing up at the hour of need,“ Catarina teased as she approached her friend. She’d been so caught up with the events of the Masquerade that she hadn’t had time to welcome her friend even though it had been on the top of her to-do list. “I am so delighted that you have graced me with your presence,“ she continued to tease with a smile on her face as she leaned in for a hug.

“Alessandro,“ Catarina breathed as she entered the room with a soft smile on her face, “I’m glad you’re awake.“ Catarina had been worried sick the second Ale had been wheeled away to the hospital. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry, scream, or throw up, she was feeling terrible, helpless. She guarded over all of her nieces and nephews as if they were her own children, how could she have let this happen? The thought of losing him had made her lose her mind but she couldn’t show that to any of them. Everybody was scared and she was the adult, she couldn’t let her hopelessness add to their worries, especially Alessandro’s. She couldn’t let him see her worries, they were hers to handle and she needed to focus on him. “How are you feeling? Are you hungry?“ She asked in a low voice, laid a soft hand on his cheek and rubbed it softly.

“ it’s true, we all know barbie is your favorite because you two are too much alike even if you are also stubborn to admit. ” his features twisted as if he was annoying, but he could not help but laugh along with his mother and blue hues caught a glimpse of cassandra staring at them. “yeah… she doesn’t look so please to see me. nonna had to cover for me so i could skip some family gathering these past few days, need to buy her a new gift now.” he says. “but in a more serious note, have you spoke to ari?”

"It's not true, we all know Fernando is my favourite. But you do have a point in that me and Barbie are alike, as much as I try to deny it. But I see myself in all of you, you definitely got my best parts." It wasn't the first time she'd been told of her likeness to her oldest daughter, since the day Barbie was born they'd been told how similar they were. They physical resemblance and stubbornness didn't help in it either. "I don't think she's pleased to see anyone, let alone us two. Oh, you. I'll help you pick out something she might like if you promise to buy me something too. Not yet," Cat admitted, a hint of guilt building inside her. She had wanted to give her daughter a bit of time before talking to her, but she realised the time was nearing to insert herself in the situation. "But don't worry. I will talk to her. I just want to give her a bit of time first."