Just one last thing lol I feel like my boyfriend is lying to himself about his sentiments for me just because I’m « nice » and lol fuck it’s just like endless sunshine isn’t it

Lol anyway I’ll go to sleep Lolol

Not that 10/10 namean :)

No but I’ve actually been having a lot of doubts lately and it’s upsetting honestly but like hey whatcha gonna do y’a know!!!!

Nah but if my boyfriend doesn’t propose at some point despite the fact that we’ve discussed marriage many times I won’t continue lol sorry that’s just who I am Lolol

Lol u ever just happy in ur relationship and start to see all the happy couples who got engaged and married and ur just like oh lol :))))

Instead of acting like I’m a minority in the bi community because I’m in a hetero relationship—am absolutely absurd argument I saw on Twitter the other day—I do wish that I knew how to process my sexuality, that I really fully discovered just before getting in a relationship with my boyfriend—someone who I imagine spending my life with. Even though I am happy and satisfied in this relationship (problems are generally due to my own fears of abandonment), I worry that I’ve missed out since I’ve never actually been with a girl. I don’t want to rupture this great relationship just to have this experience, but I wish I knew how to process my emotions connected to my sexuality. Maybe this will be a thesis topic one day, or maybe this has already been done, who knows.

And it’s really hard being in a relationship. I don’t know if this is what I want, I don’t know if my boyfriend is absolutely honest with me, I often doubt he is. We have our plans to move to Canada and his parents don’t approve, and he claims he does while I feel like he hasn’t actually reflected on it. He’s lived with his family his entire life and all of a sudden he’s going to be ready to move to another country--in another continent? And there are things about him that bother me like not listening to me and not loving me the way I want to be loved. And yet I feel so comfortable with him, I can truly be myself, and my heart is so attached to him I just don’t want to let him go. It’s fucking rough, all this shit, and the added complexity of being from different cultures doesn’t help.

I’m so fucking jealous of people who are able to function fully without the weight of depression. I don’t have any disdain whatsoever for them, I wish I could feel the same. I hate this, I hate not knowing what to do to change it, I hate not being able to maintain meaningful relationships, second guessing everything, waking up and not knowing how I’m going to feel. I hate this. I’m neck-deep in this shit and I have no idea how to get out. I wish I knew how to feel better. I wish it were simple.

FUCK I SHOULDVE HAD MORE THAN 2 BEERS NOW IM ANNOYED AND MY HANDS SMELL LIKE DOG :(

Sorry but all signs say kill myself lol today fucking sucks