Cass (they/them)

maybe i was wrong

when i thought time could heal all wounds

or that i was different

that i'd grown in the years we'd spent apart

and maybe i have

but then why does everything feel the same with you?

\\

i don't love you anymore

at least that's what i've told myself

in the time we've spent apart

but you're still you...

and in talking to you, a little

everything i thought i'd forgotten

came flooding back

everything

including why i closed the door

on us

\\

even all these years later

your silences still hurt

not because you're busy, i am too

but because i know

you don't want to make time to talk

or won't

i don't know which

and honestly

i'm not sure it matters

\\

but i don't want to lose you again

i love seeing your instagram stories

or seeing you like mine

it makes us feel normal

like we're friends, really friends

and i don't have to remember

that we don't speak

that there's so many things

i haven't said

and don't know how to say

but mostly i don't have to remember

i miss you

even when you're right there

\\

it's fine

i'm not entitled to your time

or to know you more

i have my own life anyway

i guess i just miss the way things used to be

though i know it's also my fault

things ended like they did

\\

but no matter what we are now

i'd still open the window again

just to get this little bit of you

be friends again

and to know you at least

missed talking to me too

\\

my grandma died on easter

and i don't know how to grieve her

she was never very lucid during my childhood

so i never got to know her

that's something i've always regretted

\\

but my grandma never got to know me either

and the only thing i’ve ever really known

is that she loved me

she loved me so much

and she was proud of me

always proud

so i think she'd want me to be happy

and not regret so many things

\\

it’s been almost two months now

and i still don’t know how to grieve her

but i’m working on not regretting so much

and towards being happy

i’m not there yet

but with time i think i will be

so my grief can be felt through memories

and feel comforted

that even though we didn't know each other

she loved me

and was always proud of me

no matter what

\\

under normal circumstances

i don't think about you anymore

at least, that's what i say

but when i'm in pain or afraid or in tears

you come back

in fractured memories

slipping through the cracks

good, bad, it doesn't matter

not when your voice still haunts me

like a cool breeze on a warm summer day

and the memory of your whispers

your lovely, lovely words

still quiet my restless mind

years later

\\

when we ended, really ended

i didn't let myself process it

i was terrified to think of you

to look for you, for six long months

i feared you were dead

it wasn't the first time i thought that

but because of our last fight

it was the first time i worried

that it was my fault

though i knew it wouldn't have been

\\

even after those six months

when i learned you were still alive

i couldn't think of you

i hid all our messages

your photos, my poems and unsent letters

everything that reminded me of you

it was far too painful to try to reach out

then, i found i couldn't, even if i wanted to

so i let the wound of you fester

desperate to hold on to a piece of you

even when you were gone

\\

but even i know that's not healthy

so i wrote a way to move on, and i am

but i hope you know

how much you meant to me

how much i enjoyed talking to you

how much i want you to live

how much i valued the way you loved

and cared about your friends

and well, how much i loved you

fuck... i really loved you.....

i still feel it, sometimes

like the echo of an old wound

cracking open

\\

i don't regret it

even though i know

i wasn't ready for a relationship

neither of us were

but the love i remember

was so fucking strong we couldn't resist

and just for the record

i'm glad we happened

because i'm right where i'm meant to be

and i never would've been here

without you

\\

so as i let go, i wish you well

and desperately hope you're happy

because despite everything

that happened between us

you deserve the world

i hope you get it one day

i really hope you do

i worked on my script last night

the one about us

after spending hours

carefully crafting character notes

new plot lines that finally fit

and rereading the sappy dialogue

that's based on loving things we once said

i couldn't stop thinking about you

\\

for the first time since january

i wanted to reach out

ask how you are, what you're doing

if you ever think of me-

but i'm so afraid that you hate me

or think your life is better

now that i'm not in it

i couldn't even consider it

\\

i spent the morning editing what i'd written

to send to my supervisor

and as i reread

the love interest's character note

i missed you even more

because as i wrote it

i thought about how i felt about you

and how i saw you when we were something:

"a bright star in a dark world

full of love and kindness and life

who doesn't think they deserve anything good"

but you always did

you do deserve everything good in the world

i always wished you could see that

\\

tonight, i'm all in my head

just wishing you'd give me a sign

that you don't hate me

that you miss me too

that even some of the wonderfully sappy things

you once said so lovingly

are still true

because i'd give anything

to still be in your life

as a friend, first or only

but really, however you'd want me

\\

i put on a song today

one of the ones

on the playlist you made me

so very long ago

\\

i used to listen to this song all the time

each strain of melody

like a familiar caress against my mind

making me feel

the way your messages

once made me feel

i missed it

\\

back when we were still something

i used to listen to that playlist, so carefully

eyes closed

imagining you were next to me

telling me all the things in each song

or even just next to me

i wanted it so much then

that it hurts

even now to remember

\\

i never told you

that i bought every song

on that beautiful playlist

and remade it

so i’d always have it

even if i didn’t have you

\\

cos the songs always spoke to me

the ones i knew like the back of my hand

and the ones i fell so deeply in love with

the more i replayed them

no one had ever made me a playlist before

never mind one as beautiful as that one

i didn’t know anyone could feel

even half as much as what those songs said

for someone like me

it’s good to remember that

especially now

\\

so i put on a song today

and it made me ache inside

a deep dark longing

to be close to someone

close to you

even though it’s been too long for that

but it was something i haven’t felt in years

something i haven’t felt since you

something i’ve really missed feeling

\\

i never told you

what i really felt with you

cos i could never quite figure out

how to put the beautiful mess

of love, care, and safety into words

that wouldn't be too much

but i regret it now

\\

i remember trying to tell you

with all the things i sent

the way i spoke on the audios

the lyrics of every song on that playlist

and each beat of the lilyjordan edit

i made for your birthday

i'll never think it was enough

\\

it's been eight months now

but i still miss you

a dull ache that twists sometimes

into a sharp loss

that takes my breath away

in those moments i wish

you'd just show up at my door

and want me back

it's stupid i know

i don't even love you anymore

but i could love you again, i really could

and i'd give anything to hear

what you have to say about us

about you

i just miss knowing you

\\

i know when we did talk

i never said the right thing

i'm sorry for it

but i loved you like forever

and all i ever wanted

was to to live in a world

you still existed in

even if it wasn't with me

\\

these past months

were some of the hardest of my life

not knowing if you were still here

and nothing i could do to help like i used to

so i didn't talk about you

didn't write any poems

deleted your audios from my phone

but somehow you'd still be on my mind

when i'd least expect it

\\

so most days i wonder

if i haunt you like you haunt me?

if you think of me

in all the little things

the songs, the pet names

the wishes for hugs

everything you and i forever

all the things that come back

no matter how hard i try to forget

i wonder if you think of them too

and miss me like i miss you

\\

i feel so broken

to still be thinking of you

after, what, the third time

you've ghosted me?

i'm such an idiot

i don't even love you anymore

or know if i want to be friends

with how much this hurts

but no one compares to you

after three months on dating apps

and years of searching so hard

for something, anything, worth fighting for

i can say with certainty

nothing compares

to what i felt with you

and i still don't want to lose it

even though i know

everything we had is long gone

\\

by now

with all your silences

i should be used to feeling worthless

and not good enough

but i don't want

to feel this miserable anymore

once, i would have waited weeks, months

just to hear from you

now the more i see you online

the more i know

i don't matter to you at all

\\

and isn't it ironic

that you were so worried about my exes

when yours is still the only name on my mind?

how can i let go

when i remember everything

like it happened yesterday?

how can i move on

when i still don't understand

what really happened?

i don't know i don't know i don't know

\\

maybe you think

i'm not accepting my part

but all the things i said

and all the things i didn't

still haunt me

in the middle of the night

i'm just tired of being

the only one apologising

when i'm not the only one

who did something wrong

\\

and i know, i know

this is the harshest poem

i've ever written about you

i'm sorry

there won't be another

i just know i deserve better

and i don't know any other way

to process how much

everything fucking hurts

\\

i went out last night

to see the northern lights

instead i saw the stars

their bright light

shinning gorgeously

a wonder, softly gleaming

\\

the big dipper

rose in front of me

like i’ve never seen

and the twinkling lights

so were bright

like i've only dreamed

\\

i saw cassiopeia last night

and for a moment when

i was there, in the sky

nothing mattered

but the distant specks

the darkness from afar

i stayed up there

among the stars

feeling safe and sound

and i never wanted

to come down

\\

- Cassiopeia, September 19th, 2023

i’ve been here about a week

little more now

and some stupid part of me

thought maybe i’d hear from you

a bit for me but also just to know you’re okay

because despite everything

i still care

\\

i know why you didn’t message

i said it’s fine and that i understand

and it is and i do but

that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

just a bit

\\

sometimes i still dream

and pretend you sent me a card

for my birthday

or another audio

sometimes i even wish

that one day

i’d find you at my door

telling me you want to fix this

that you didn’t mean

all the things you said

that you still want me

that you still… care

because i haven’t really felt that

since the day you never showed

\\

thinking all that

makes me feel like such an idiot

because i know it’s stupid

you'll never send me another audio

or a note for my birthday

you’ll never show up at my door

i'll never get to see you face to face

or know why you said those things

i’m never going to really know you, am i?

...i just feel like we'll never fix this

and i'll be missing you

for the rest of my life

\\

it’s okay

i’ll move on someday

i can even be friends with you

if we never really talk

because whatever the fuck we are now

is better than losing you forever

and i don't have to worry

about my mess of feelings and hurts showing

i’ll channel the mess into my screenplay

just like i always planned

and pretend it doesn’t

break my heart all over again

to reduce what we were to just that

\\

i downloaded a dating app today

after years of saying i never would

i just wanted to give it a chance

and see what i'm missing

now starting a conversation with someone new

feels exciting

i'm blushing and smiling

even though we're just talking about books

it feels right

but also wrong

\\

even though i don’t think

i’m in love with you anymore

(how can i be

when i feel like i don’t know you

and we haven't really talked

like we need to)

i still see you

in these new faces

and wish it was you

i was talking to instead

\\

i doubt any of it will go anywhere

i just don’t get feelings often enough for it

but it’s nice to feel wanted

and put myself out there

in a way i’m finally starting

to be comfortable with

\\

i knew i shouldn't

but i looked through our old messages tonight

i just wanted to remember the good times

when things made sense

and i knew what we were to each other

but somehow i ended up crying again

\\

looking back, i remembered so much

the conversations we had

when we first started talking

just casual

but always so sweet and loving and caring

that's how i fell for you without even knowing

\\

i didn't save it

but i remembered our first real conversation too

i was having a panic attack

and couldn't calm myself

then you messaged and a few minutes later

everything was okay and i felt safe again

maybe that's when i knew

that you were everything i ever dreamed of

and more besides

\\

god, i remember the start of the pet names

and how surprised i was

that i liked hearing them from you

my favourite will always be honeybee

...i still wish i actually got to hear you call me that

\\

and then the messages where you told me

you loved me as more than a friend

i had no idea you'd say that

i just wanted you to be okay

and even though the messages said

what i'd dreamed of hearing for the last year

i almost didn't care

i was just happy you felt safe with me too

and still wanted to spend time with me

after everything we'd been through

\\

there are so many other messages i loved

all the things you said you wanted with me

that i realized were all i'd ever wanted

but never had a reason to consider

the gifs that made made me smile

and wish i could hold you

the audios that still calm me on my darkest days

and the "i love you so much" kermit meme

that i've kept in my downloads for two years now

because i had never felt

such real love and safety with someone

and i never wanted to forget it

or forget you

now i don't think i ever will

\\

i remember it all...

but everything hurts a little bit

because i miss those days

when things were easier

and everything felt like it made sense

now i don't even know how i feel

or how you feel, if you even know

and despite the fact that we're talking again

it's like there's a new wall between us

one that i'm afraid will never come down

and i don't know what to do

\\

i visited my high school today

for the first time in a long time

and walking through those strangely quiet halls

it was like i was 17 again

\\

stepping into the room outside the auditorium

i was overwhelmed by the memories

of concerts from years past

musicals

and photos my mom took

of me with people i no longer know

not for the first time

the space felt haunted by the memories

\\

i remember the girl

with hair like a dying sunset

laughing in the band hallway

the ghost through the door

that interrupted what could have been my first kiss

the marching uniforms through the little window

in that same door to that hall-oh, that's real

i stood there, barely breathing

wondering if anyone was there

but then i walked away

because i don't feel the need

to interact with that ex ever again

even potentially

\\

walking down the stairs

i remembered the songs i used to play

as i climbed them in years past

the people i saw

the things i thought about

at the bottom, the basement hall called to me

and the four years of memories

some that affected me and my relationships so negatively

i’ve wished i could forget

\\

there's the hallway

where i first held hands romantically

the intersection where a friendship

died for the very first time

there's the place i stood

when my first ex girlfriend admitted she'd treated me wrong

and there's the alcove partly under the stairs

where so much laughter happened

it was the first place i felt truly safe

with someone i thought i'd know forever

standing here, i’m just left with the memories

and can't believe how much i've changed

or how i'm okay with not knowing those people anymore

\\

despite the memories, good and bad

i'm glad i came

i've held this place in my heart for so long now

that it feels so freeing

to take a deep breath and finally let it all go

and start the rest of my life

without those haunting memories

that i used to keep myself safe

even when i didn't need to

and by letting go

i can finally live my life the way i’m meant to live it

\\

lately, i've been trying not to think of you

it's just easier that way

now that i know it will be longer before we can talk

i've got my own shit to figure out anyway

awful friends

new heart conditions

and packing for a move i'm desperate for

but somehow everything still reminds me of you

\\

i dreamed about you last night

it wasn't like my other dreams

where we were separated but talking

or where you sent me an audio

or the dream where i was jumping through realties

searching for you

no, you were there, next to me

so close and yet, you still felt so far

i asked if i could touch your hand

not even hold, just touch

and when you agreed...

it felt like i'd been struck by lightning

and i never wanted anything more

than to feel that way all the time

\\

then i was watching heartstopper today

and couldn't help thinking of you

the lil messages we sent to each other

the hearts and loving gifs

the wanting to hold each other

the audios

(fuck i miss those)

even the fact

that 'just like heaven' played

made me think of you

\\

the more i watched

the more i missed

even the not so great things

like how hard it was for me to say i loved you

or how we didn't want to share things

and be a burden to each other

for a moment i wanted it all back

the good, the bad... everything

and it hurt like hell to remember i can't

\\

i talked to my friend yesterday

cos i've been so confused

about what i should do

she told me to be careful

and that no matter how busy you are

if you really wanted to fix things

you'd make the time to talk

i'd be lying if i said

that had never crossed my mind

but i don't mind waiting

if anything, i'd rather not force you

in to a conversation before you're ready

like you said happened last time

...i don't want any of last time to happen again

//

but that doesn't mean

i've completely given up

or that i don't want things to be different

i still feel things as i used to

or know that in time i could feel them again

and no matter what my friend says or i believe

i still dream of hearing from you

any message

but especially one that leads

to us finally having that conversation

and being okay again

because despite what happened last time

despite my hesitation and my fear

despite everything

i still want you in my life

no matter what way that might be

\\

and i'm not naive or delusional

so i don't know if we can ever get back what we had

or if i should even want that anymore

but i can't deny how i've always felt with you

or how i've never felt it with anyone else

so if there's any way we can fix this

i would give anything at least to try

\\

when i was little, the only thing i ever wanted

was to be someone's love

i never dreamed of a certain place to live

a job to have

or friends to hang out with

all i ever wanted was a partner

i didn't care who they'd be

never thought about the specifics

i just wanted someone to spend my life with

and knew i'd know when i found them

\\

as i got older

i worried i'd never find who i was looking for

it scared me enough

that i tried to make bad situations work

and stayed longer than i should've

i got hurt enough that i gave up on that dream

and swore to never fall in love again

i accepted my life alone

even though i didn't want it

\\

then i met you

and for the first time

i felt safe, truly loved, and cared about

everything with you was new

and i wanted it all

i found myself wanting to talk to you all the time

to listen to you talk for hours

and just spend forever in your arms

for the first time everything felt right

and it was like...

i'd found the missing piece that i'd been looking for

all my life

\\

but good things don't last forever

and i don't think either of us were ready

for all the things we wanted

i know i've grown so much since then

i wonder if you have too

i don't know if we'll come back from this

but it's okay

i've never felt so loved as i did with you

and i'll still think of myself as your honeybee

for as long as i still love you

\\

right now, i'm still heartbroken

and there's a deep ache in my chest

when i think about you

but i have so much to look forward to

a lifetime of possibilities

so even if it's without you

i think i'll be okay

\\

i don't know

if i'll ever feel this way about someone again

or if i'll find someone else i want to be with like this

but it's okay

at least i know that i can love

and be loved in return

more than i ever dreamed was possible

\\

i thought i’d be okay

letting you back into my life a little

but my heart still flutters some

when you like my posts

and somehow a simple status change

can send me into a tearful panic

i thought three months was enough

to ease the pain and heartbreak i’ve felt

but if anything i’m more upset

and confused than ever

\\

the worst was my screenplay

the one based on us

and the fucking “third act breakup”

i couldn’t figure out why it happened

not until i went back to our messages

the good ones

and cried

cos i couldn’t completely understand

why our breakup happened

that’s when i realized the “third act breakup”

didn’t have to make sense

it just had to hurt

\\

but it’s left me with more questions about us

i keep wondering what happened for us to go

from conversations and understanding

to so much hurt and confusion

i read back through the messages

and know you understood it was hard for me

that i was trying

that i would have done anything

to make it work

and yet you still made everything my fault

\\

and some of it was my fault

i know what i did

i regret it

but i don’t know

if i could have made different choices then

knowing i was so afraid of hurting you

or making you uncomfortable

not when i still sometimes struggle

with knowing when i’m supposed to ask things

and my brain didn’t understand

or believe i was in a relationship

until it was already over

\\

sometimes i wish you’d come back to me

but i’m afraid of wishing for something so hard

when i don’t know if i should want it back

not when the things you said still hurt

and i don’t know if i could ever

just be your friend again

not after all the sweet things you said

the pet names

the wishes for cuddles

…not after everything

\\

you were so important to me

and i’m sorry i never said

how much you meant to me

as often as i should have

but i really did want forever with you

to wake up every day next to you

see your smile

hear your laugh

run my fingers through your hair

to make dinner with you

and kiss you every chance i got

to actually cuddle and ask about your day…

if that could have been my life

i think i would have been so happy

now i’ll never really know

\\

i don’t remember exactly

when i first fell for you

but now that i’ve started to try to move on

i’m remembering everything else

and it makes me miss you even more

\\

sometimes i think about the first time i saw you

that august, in a grainy video on twitter

i saw the space buns

and immediately got lost in your smile

your radiant, beautiful, contagious smile

in that moment i had never wanted anything

as much as i wanted to know you

\\

maybe it didn't seem like it

but i felt really safe with you

it was easy to

you were always so sweet to me

and broke down every wall i put up

with the way everything was okay

it's why you were the first in a long time

i said "i love you" to

and really meant it

even before it was romantic

\\

the other day

i found a poem from nearly three years ago

long before i met you

in it i wished to find someone

i could really say those words to

someone that made my heart skip with joy

who'd tell me i’m as worthy

as i’ve learned to tell myself

someone whose love for me i could see

burning in their eyes

i found that all in you

at least… for a little while

\\

i know i wasn’t the best girlfriend

there were a lot of reasons

but mainly i was afraid

afraid of the past repeating

afraid of making you uncomfortable

or saying too much

so i didn’t say all the things i should’ve

like no matter if we were only just friends

or if i only got a little time with you

there was no one else i wanted to talk to

to be with

i fucking called myself taken

long before i ever was

because i knew no one could ever compare

not when you were... you

and every moment with you was so precious

that i never wanted any of them to end

\\

it’s hard to remember all of that now

especially when my heart's still in pieces

but that's something only time will fix

i feel lighter anyway

i’m not scared like i was

and the past doesn't haunt me quite as much

things aren't perfect

but they're okay

and right now

that’s all that really matters

\\

it’s been more than two months

but i’m still heartbroken

most days i’m okay

and have other things on my mind

but when i remember we’re over...

it feels like there’s a knife in my heart

makes me wish i could move on faster

like you’ve seemed to

\\

is it bad that i miss you?

that i still think about you?

i’m always wondering

what you’re doing

how you are

…if you still think of me

\\

i try not to read through old messages

or listen to the audios you sent

but sometimes i still find myself

thinking of your voice

your laugh

your beautiful face

and i remember the amount of times

you said you wanted to kiss me

how you'd send gifs of cuddles

then ask if it was too much

and i didn't know what to say

cos i never imagined anything like that

but with you...

i wanted it all

\\

there are so many things i still love about you

the way you called me “honeybee”

your kindness, your taste in music

your love for the people you care about

how happy you made me by just existing

or how you just seem so... soft

like i could imagine myself in your arms forever

i know there were so many things i didn’t know

but given the chance

i’m sure i would love them too

and in a million years, a million lifetimes

i don’t think i could ever say all the things i love

now i doubt i’ll even get the chance to try

\\

and i hate myself

because i know i would do it all again

all of it

i would do it all again in a heartbeat

even if it still meant losing you

\\