i brought a stick to a gun fight

It wasn’t until after he made a complete embarrassment of himself in public when Dougie realised what exactly he’d said without a care in the world. That was the thing with him; he thought too much about… well, pretty much everything. But at the same time, he didn’t think hard enough. He always cared about what people thought of him yet some how didn’t think about what people would think if he’d randomly started spouting something inappropriate like fucking a rocket launcher over and over again. On the other hand, the laughter he managed to coax out of Phoebe was truly and utterly hilarious and that, alone, made it all the more worthwhile. Even if he was as bright red as a tomato in the process.

And Dougie was laughing too, so much so he could hardly breathe - as if someone had knocked the wind out of him. The more she laughed, the more he laughed; he couldn’t help it – laughter was contangious. His face hurt and he could see black spots in his vision, become purely dizzy from laughing so much. Allowing himself to calm down, bouts of laughter still ran through him as he listened to her. “But I haven’t done anything illegal! So she can’t call the cops!” Looking towards the woman gaping at them with a disapproving look in her eyes, Dougie stopped laughing so much, managing to calm down. “I’m ever so sorry,” He attempted to apologise politely to the woman… But then Phoebe spoke and he had to bite down hard on his lip to start himself from having yet another laughing fit again.

“For the record, when she says ‘kinkshame us,’ she really means herself,” Dougie said, trying to keep a straight face. However, he glanced at her once more and then back at the woman, fighting so hard to resist the urge to laugh. “But yeah. You should… you should try it.” He muttered, his face heating up yet again. 

As the woman hurried off, Dougie wiped the tears from his face, the ones he never realised fell because of how much he was laughing. That was most definitely an… experience. That was for sure.

“Hmm, I don’t know. It’s hard to tell indeed. I mean, considering I’ve just met you and all,” Dougie snickered, rolling his eyes playfully. “I do! I do. But please don’t be offended, it was never my intention.” He knew she was just messing with him again and that was indicated in his joking tone. Raising his eyebrows at her next question, he thought about it briefly before shrugging his shoulders, a quiet laugh passing from his lips. “Answer what question? And what unsavory answer would that be? I’m afraid I don’t.”

For a brief moment, Phoebe was worried that Dougie was about to pass out from lack of oxygen as he laughed. To passerby, it may have looked like he was dying and she was standing there laughing at him. The idea was ridiculous, but it only made her laugh harder as well, shaking her head at the man next to her. 

“Jesus Chris, dude, are you going to live?” she asked, reaching up to pat him on the back as he addressed the now scandalized woman she’d referred to before. “Oh, don’t listen to him. He’s just shy. He’s even crazier than I am, trust me.” Phoebe winked at him, hopeful that she would get another creeping blush to fill his face. 

She actually rolled her eyes at his response, though her grin remained in tact. He was making this all too easy, once again. This time, she got the feeling he may have intended to. Though they’d only been talking for a short time, she felt as though he’d gotten a fairly decent handle on her rather crude and outgoing sense of humor and, even better, he was embracing it. 

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m a very sensitive person. If you truly thought I was unsavory--why, I think I’d just cry my eyes out,” she said in a swooning tone, knowing she was laying it on way too thick. “Oh...for fuck’s sake, Dougie, have you never been flirted with before? I thought I was being pretty obvious just then. You have the perception skills of park bench.”

Once Tessa spoke, she realised that her vocabulary choices could definitely be deemed… inappropriate, indicated by the huff of a laugh from Toby’s end. But she couldn’t take them back, they were out there now and there was nothing she could say to change it. Maybe if it wasn’t so goddamn applicable in the first place, she may have found something funny in it. But what was there to laugh about? She wasn’t so sure. And she wasn’t going to quiz him about it either. After all, she has done a lot of pestering for one day. She couldn’t possibly continue to bother Toby and pry information out of him even more. It wasn’t how she worked at all.

“Maybe.” It was only that one word that left her lips, questioning what she really would have done. It was difficult to say. It was such a complicated issue that had a load of questions. Decisions one would make, the ethics behind it, possibly morals. Something Tessa still couldn’t wrap her head around. “You have a right to be selfish, you’re hurting too. I think it’s a perfectly natural reaction,” She said. “And sure, like I said, she was probably thinking of you. But I mean - I don’t know but… I think another possibility is that maybe she didn’t want to see you fussing over here. She didn’t want to see you hurting as a result of her illness.” Tessa furrowed her brows in thought. “Hang on, no - I worded that incorrectly,” She went on to correct herself, wondering if there was truly any sense in her words. In her head, they made sense. And then she spoke aloud and suddenly, it was as though she had forgotten how to formulate a proper sentence. “I don’t know how to say it. She probably doesn’t want to see you in anguish because of her. Anyway, I don’t know a thing so I’m probably not the best person to try and make sense of it.”

The lack of protest from Toby when she requested him to open the door was quite surprising. If she thought it was going to be that easy, Tessa would have been prepared for the door opening, that was for sure. Which she was not. She expected to have to talk to him for another half an hour, minimum, to convince him to open the door. As soon as the door opened, she started to fall back. In a desperate attempt to stop herself from banging her head from the floor, Tessa leant back, propped against her elbows. It still hurt. She tilted her head to look at him from her position, scrunching her nose up. “Hi there,” She said casually, trying to hold back the laugh she struggled to hold back. “A pro tip: a little warning would have been nice. Thank you for your consideration.”

Hopping up to her feet after a few seconds, she brushed herself down before standing up straight, composing herself. “I’ll have to think about accepting that apology,” She pretended to think about it, looking at him with a small smile forming. “Although, I am sort of starting to believe you may have done that on purpose,” Tessa teased then, narrowing her eyes playfully as she wagged her finger at him.  "I’ve got my eye on you.“

For the first it what was definitely weeks, Toby laughed. The sight of Tessa fumbling backwards onto the floor was hilarious, even though he did feel sort of back for knocking her down. Given their relationship up until about thirty minutes ago, though, it seemed fairly in character. 

“I never claimed to be nice, you know. Frankly, you should have expected something like this the second you decided to come over here,” he stepped back to allow her to walk rather than tumble into his apartment. Until now, he hadn’t been fully aware of how messy it was. Typically, he probably wouldn’t care at all, but now he felt a little embarrassed by it. Instead of being a sign he was a generally messy person, it seemed to be a very loud, bright, neon sign screaming out the fact that he hadn’t left it in days. 

“Uh--if you can find a place on the couch that isn’t covered in crap, feel free to sit on it. Or you can just sit on the floor; you seemed pretty comfortable there,” he joked, trying to deflect a little bit. Pouring his heard out through a door was one thing, but looking her in the eye was a completely different story. 

“I would offer you something to drink, but I think all I have is some really disgusting coconut vodka and maybe some Sunny D. Fuck--I suck at this hosting thing.” 

The moment she took a step back, Logan should have decided to back off. But how could he? She was right there, saying everything he wanted to hear: that she still cared about him, that she never stopped. How was he supposed to turn a blind eye from that? He was tired of pretending. Watching her posture, the way she crossed her arms - defensive, like she was implementing that barrier between them, could be interpreted as protecting herself. He ended up taking a step back too, careful not to make her feel too uncomfortable despite the tiny part where the entire situation was incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. But he managed to get this far – there was no way he was prepared to give up so easily. 

As one of her statements began with ‘the universe has gone to incredible lengths,’ all he could do was shake his head. “The universe doesn’t have anything to prove,” Logan protested with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to find a way to explain what he meant. “It’s just a matter of life. The universe doesn’t want to prove anything to anyone. It’s called the circle of life. You live, you die. You’re happy for some points in your life. Then, sometimes you get dealt a crappy hand, others are better off. But we all have our fair share of hardships. You use it, you move on for it and make a happier life for yourself.” It wasn’t that difficult to comprehend. When people often blamed the universe for the wrongdoings of their lives, it felt like it was mere excuses, a method of coping with the things that happen to them. Blame it on the universe, it wasn’t like it was about to write an apology or explain its motives. Because it can’t. And it never will. “If we waited for the universe to throw us happiness, or contentment, then no one on this planet would ever be happy." 

It really was all or nothing right now. Logan stopped in his tracks, prevented himself from talking any further as he listened to her explain just how difficult it was for her to keep up the facade. It genuinely broke his heart that she well and truly believed that she needed to pretend and just how tired she was as a result of it. Every word spoken teared through him, a if someone or something had reached for his insides and ripped them out, leaving nothing but skin and bone. He wondered if she could see the pain in his eyes; no matter how much she tried to pretend, Logan could see right through hers. The eyes were a window to a soul. That always rang true, he found. 

Parting his lips to speak, his mouth felt like sandpaper, as if he’d been walking through a desert for days with nothing to drink and now he was dehydrated. He was about to state the obvious, to tell her to stop pretending altogether, she would be less tired that way. But she stopped to face him and it was as if he’d lost the capability to speak altogether. The look in her eyes when Elizabeth faced him pained him. Helplessness consumed him. But Logan was still Logan, and as stubborn as the man was, he still would not admit defeat. He was so close. So so close. He couldn’t surrender now. It would have meant all of this was for nothing.

"Easy? It’s not easy,” Logan piped up when he found his voice once again, forcing back a bitter laugh. “And I’m not sure. Not for certain. But it’s not about that. You see, the thing is, Elizabeth, is that if we don’t try then we’ll never know for sure. Instead of worrying about what if, we need to only focus on the present. The past is in the past. The present is now, what matters. And the future? Nobody knows what the future holds. Is it scary? Yes. It’s fucking terrifying,” He admitted, looking away from her briefly as he wavered on his words. Logan stopped himself then, took a moment to think and then brought his eyes back to her. “We can’t stop living because we’re scared though. If we continue being scared of losing everything, then how are we truly ever going to be happy? How will you ever find happiness?  To live is to really live, not to find some sort of security blanket. Because noone is ever truly safe from anything in the world. It’s a peculiar place, this planet.” Was he even making sense? Logan didn’t know. But he simply just… Could. Not. Stop. Talking.

“I guess it’s easier for me because I don’t think about the future too much. Feelings are subject to change and sure, we may not work out in the end but… It’s just the gamble you have to take. Nobody knows what’s going to happen from now. But it’s willing to live and love than to spend the rest of your life living with regrets and unanswered questions.” It all came out like word vomit, Logan speaking freely as the words tumbled from his lips. But he made his case and the ball was now in Elizabeth’s court. 

“You don’t have to pretend,” He finished with, his voice a lot more softer than before. If you thought about it more, he almost sounded… Fragile. Which - for anyone who knew him - ranked number one on the list of 'things unlikely to ever happen.’

Of the two of them, Logan was always the one who was looking for bright sides. He still was, even though they were in one of the worst moments they’d faced since they met each other. Here he was, trying to convince her that all of the doubts that had been eating at her mind since day one were unnecessary. If they hadn’t been so ingrained into her personality, she would have happily believed everything he was saying. What a nice world it could be when you let things happen and dealt with them as you came instead of worrying every moment that you may get thrown a curveball. 

It shocked her, truly, how much he could tell about how she was feeling. Granted, she was being much more vulnerable to him at the moment than she’d been to anyone, but it was a little different. She could feel his eyes piercing into her, looking past all of the crap and excuses she was so used to providing. Typically, she was very good at appearing carefree. Elizabeth always seemed happy, upbeat and ready to make any situation a ridiculous one. People often thought she was incapable of being as upset as she was now, and that was how she liked it. Now, though, Logan was questioning it. He was piecing away at the facade she’d built up carefully, brick by brick for years. It was exciting and terrifying, much like everything with him was turning out to be.

“I know that the universe doesn’t have some grand cosmic scheme to ruin my life. I’m not that self-centered and I’m definitely not gullible enough to believe a million stars have any say in what happens to me. And I’m not wanting to be handed happiness. I just know that if you find it, it’s way too easy to lose. There’s no way to know when or how it could be gone and I honestly don’t understand how you’re not as scared of that as I am.” 

When he spoke of not thinking or worrying about the future, Elizabeth envied him. All she ever did was obsess over the future and try her damndest to forget about the past. Her life was ruled by every moment besides the one she lived in, prickling in the back of her mind even when she tried to erase it. It nearly broke her to see how much pain she was causing him; it hadn’t been what she wanted at all. By trying to save herself, she’d left him shattered and confused. Maybe she really was self-centered after all. 

Deciding that arguing philosophies of life was probably something they’d take centuries to see eye to eye on, she instead let more of the truth spill from her heart. This was already opening her up, displaying her for the first time to the one she’d tried desperately to shut out, and she wasn’t going to half-ass it. 

“I’m obviously not pretending anymore,” she whispered, dropping her arms to her sides and finally daring to look at him. The sight of his eyes caused hers to fill with tears, blurring her vision. Frustrated, she brushed them away. “I love you. I’ve never admitted that to anyone before, not in years. But just because it’s there doesn’t mean I can stop being worried that it can go away in two seconds without either of us meaning for it to. I’m always going to be afraid of that. How can we do this with a sword like that hanging over our heads? How can you even want me like this?”