Caroline Corcoran

If Olly Murs and Nick Grimshaw busted some moves, would they be drunk uncles? Or is this a special criticism reserved just for the girls?

Picture Credit: Twitter (@TheXFactor) - Drunk aunts do not rock up in jumpsuits like this for starters

Even more than the loss of the ridiculously talented 4th Impact and Nick Grimshaw going in on Simon’s signature… let’s call it ‘style’, the major Monday-morning-chat-about-it-over-a-bleary-eyed-office-tea X Factor subject from this weekend was Cheryl Fernandez-Versini doing the Azonto. As fast as that judges’ chair would twizzle, she was up there with Reggie n Bollie, grin on her face so wide afterwards it was like someone had just reminded her where Nadine Coyle’s solo single charted.

Until you get invited to Nicola Roberts’ house party, that is officially the closest any of us are going to get to see Cheryl doing some (semi) impromptu dance moves. It was like a glimpse into the X Factor after-parties; in my head Rita Ora was just left of camera making a vodka punch and Simon Cowell had nodded off under a table of crisps. Which meant that surely - surely - everyone loved it?

Picture Credit: Twitter (@TheXFactor) - No Lauren v 4th Impact shove-gate tonight, thankfully

Except they didn’t. Social media instead was full of insults and snide comments - shocker! - with the worst of it suggesting that Cheryl resembled someone’s drunk aunt at a wedding trying to dance with the young kids. Now here are a few of the problems with that:

Your drunk aunt probably doesn’t have a load of number one singles and a place in Girls Aloud under their belt and if by some chance she does then why the hell wouldn’t you want her dancing at your wedding?

Cheryl can dance. If Simon was clip-clopping up there in his loafers to jig along with Che I’d be concerned. Cheryl: not so much.

Cheryl is 32. I do not view this as prime drunk aunt age.

It would be interesting to know how viewers would feel about Nick Grimshaw or Olly Murs - both only a year younger than Cheryl at 31 - getting up there with the contestants. Would they be drunk uncles? Or just young people having a dance? I suspect that would be fine because they aren’t female.

Picture Credit: ITV Pictures - Like no drunk aunt I’ve ever seen

And in number four, the blatant sexism of X Factor Twitter critique comes out. Caroline Flack’s been lynched for everything from her hair to her clothes to the size of her stomach. Her crime really is just being there. And now Cheryl dares to leap up in her jumpsuit and have some fun? Disgusting. Time to make her feel so daft that from now on she cowers in her chair doing the occasional weak salute and waiting for her lipstick to be reapplied.

Fans of underwhelmed reactions and extreme mouth movements, bad news: Mason Noise and Anton Stephans have left the building

This is Mason doing ecstatic. Or wait, was it gutted? (Picture credit: ITV)

Love and Heartbreak week came and went, named now possibly because of the heartbreak Anton’s going to experience when he realises that Simon Cowell, despite his declarations during his eviction on Sunday night, isn’t his mate. In any doubt, Anton? Do ask him when was the last time he went down the Harvester for a burger and a pint with Stevi Ritchie.

But Anton and his fellow weekend-evictee Mason Noise - a man who when he was told he was being sent home looked about as bothered as if someone had told him there was no brown sauce and he’d have to have ketchup (“It’s not ideal mate, but fair enough”) - are gone, and we’re down to the final five. Even though I’d swear there’s usually about six more weeks from now.

Should we expect a late-arrival wildcard? Alien to come back in disguise as solo artists? Or have X Factor just decided to cut their losses and bow out early, leaving Strictly to it and allowing a traumatised Olly Murs to sleep the contented sleep of a pop star again, instead of lying awake with images of a stricken Monica Michael in his head and waking up sweaty, muttering as he reads an imaginary autocue?

Caroline and Olly: united in all things, even a chill on the ankle area (Picture Credit: ITV)

I’m going to contest something though. For all of the criticism X Factor has had this year (much of it valid, I particularly feel sad that the Caroline and Olly Xtra Factor magic hasn’t transferred) this weekend’s shows reminded me that when you’d need three layers to go outside and you’re on a pre-Christmas booze break, in front of X Factor with a curry on Saturday night is a good place to be.

Fakegate/ Yawngate was the stuff X Factor Twitter dreams are made of. Che Chesterman landing himself in Sunday night’s bottom two was the classic shocker (oh, and served to remind the judges that not everyone’s a fan of the ‘get a classic song, make it a completely different one’ strategy, no matter how much the voice behind it gives you goosebumps).

Nick called him fake, he yawned in his face (Picture Credit: ITV)

A travesty he was in the bottom two though (Picture credit: ITV)

When Simon Cowell comes out of the long, impromptu meeting that pinged into Olly Murs’ calendar around 9.01 on Sunday night (awkward), he needs to address something else about this weekend

We would not kick a woman who had those nails off ANYTHING, frankly (Picture credit: ITV)

Ask the person sat next to you on the sofa what was the worst thing about this weekend’s X Factor and they will almost definitely tell you it was either:

Not getting to see Caroline Flack and Harry Styles on stage together, making small-talk about the new One Direction single while doing some classic ex-based blushing. Come on, we’ve all been there, guys. Well not there - ie the X Factor stage - but you know, there.

The fact they’re still pedalling the ‘...will be revealed after the break’ “trick.” We’ve sussed it! It wasn’t even good in the first place! Make this stop!

Olly Murs making even the mathematically-challenged amongst us feel smart when he failed to count two plus two. Two. Plus two.

In actual fact, it was none of the above. It was seeing X Factor send home Max Stone. Kidding! It was seeing them send home Monica Michael: a woman so talented that I almost, almost stopped my passive X Factor viewing and did an actual vote. Unfortunately I got distracted by my dinner but the thought was there.

At least he has shoes he can run in. Leg it, Olly! Cowell’s coming! (Picture credit: ITV)

Everything from bringing Monica back as an immediate underdog/ wildcard instead of giving her a deserved spot to trussing her up like your nan’s Christmas tree last weekend has turned her into someone that’s felt constantly like she’ll be home and watching from her armchair with a bag of Doritos any minute/ weekend now. And once that happens, on X Factor things only head in one direction. When you’re not seen as a potential winner, you’re only ever a potential loser.

Monica’s never been talked about as someone who could win the show, even though I agree with Cheryl: the potential was bigger than her giant earrings. She has the songs and an identity that a lot of artists never have, even by the time they’ve done three tours of Australia and been interviewed by Piers Morgan.

Heart: currently squeezing with his loveliness (Picture Credit: ITV)

With Anton? Heart-squeezingly good guy, excellent voice, but beyond that I don’t see it. Plus the hand to chest thing… oh Nick Grimshaw, I am with you my friend, I am with you. I didn’t come here (here being my sofa) to see Les Mis; I came here to see some pop stars.

Angry people of social media, Nick did not do a Louis Walsh, calm yourselves down

If you think you’re angry he’s gone, imagine how the wardrobe people feel (Picture credit: ITV PIctures)

Does sending a vote to deadlock mean you’re wimping out of a decision when you’re a judge on X Factor? According to a lot of angry people fuelled by that Merlot from Sunday lunch on social media it does. In reality? Nick Grimshaw (who’s been my favourite judge since live shows started based on his delivery of the most funny one-liners and the fewest seven year-old cliches) is being unfairly judged because of the legacy of Louis Walsh. Louis used Deadlock because he panicked and didn’t want to choose; Nick used Deadlock because in this instance it was the best decision since someone said ‘Give Fleur East Uptown Funk.’

Because this was no ordinary bottom two. This was like being asked what you preferred between a burrito and a lasagne. Clearly they are both awesome cheese-containing carb extravaganzas and no person in their right mind would choose between them. They’d just have one on a Tuesday, one on a Wednesday and love life.

Near the start of this year’s X Factor, I sent about 15 Whats App messages declaring that Seann Miley Moore was so definitely the winner, all iconic performances and heartbreak and belted kimonos and star quality and that this series was done. And then I watched Mason Noise at Judges’ Houses and felt how Rita felt tonight; there’s something about him, even if neither me or Rita are quite sure what.

Well er yeah, it could be that (Picture credit: ITV Pictures)

Seriously thought, those lungs. THOSE LEGS (Picture Credit: ITV)

In the fun days before people had to do any voting off (Picture Credit: ITV)

And when you’ve got that thing-no-one-can-quite-place-but-everyone-loves (I think the French have a better name for it), you’re suddenly propelled to a level that even when Seann Miley Moore makes Beyonce sound a bit half-hearted in his survival song, puts you on a par. It’s like Reggie and Bollie bouncing up and down to One Direction; who cares what we like about it, we just know it makes us happy.

Seann and Mason have both had up and down X Factor experiences so far. I’ve found Seann slightly too musical theatre; I thought Mason’s Teardrops was a bit lacklustre. Even in their survival songs I was wavering, transfixed by Mason then noting a definite arm-goosebump when Seann hit the big notes.

I suspect Grimmy, rather than trying to dodge any decision, felt the same. Mason wasn’t an inferior contestant to Seann and rather than just panicking and pulling a Louis Walsh, that’s why Nick levelled the playing field and left it to the public to decide.

What? WHAT? X Factor, we need a word

First out: well that’s nasty (Picture credit: ITV)

There are certain rules of the X Factor (Cheryl will always do her ‘so in the moment’ eyes, people will never answer the question ‘What does this mean to you?’ with anything other than the word ‘everything’ etc) and one of them is that in week one of live shows, a girl band will very likely go home.

Alien Uncovered have gone home which probably means three of the X Factor make-up artists will be pretty bored next week (Picture credit: ITV)

No pressure now Keira, but you do need that Fleur moment (Picture Credit: ITV)

So is Alien Uncovered (note to Simon, they’re the ones you think are called Alien Nation, excellent that you’re taking such an interest) following Bupsi out to wait in the cold for an Uber home a shock? Actually yeah it is. Because if we’re defining ‘girl band’ as the blah pieced together line-up that used to be used as early cannon fodder, Alien Uncovered were no girl band. They were simply a really good band (gender irrelevant) who made me want to dance every time they performed, even if I’d just had one slice more than I should have of cheese on toast and a few too many Maltesers.

In her post-show debrief with Olly and Caroline, Cheryl guessed that Alien Uncovered might have gone because they were too polished, that we couldn’t see where they could go and she’s probably right. Keira Weathers was given the wrong song in Katy B’s Crying For No Reason when her ‘thing’ is subtle, intimate, emotional performances. She bounced back with something way nearer to her auditions in the sing-off and I fought off a Sunday night sob.

She was hit, she was miss, and I think the judges kept her in because that means there’s a chance she’ll do a Fleur East or an Alex Burke, hanging around mid-ranking and getting better behind the scenes until she nails an unreleased Mark Ronson song in week eight and the world (well you know, the 2015 equivalent of the world, 15 people on your Facebook) erupts.

Alien Uncovered on the other hand have been slick and polished every time we’ve seen them. They’ve got their look nailed, they’ve got their singing nailed and they absolutely have their song choices nailed. We know what they’ll do and even though what they do is brilliant, perhaps for some people knowing that took something away.

Could Alien Uncovered have done anything else? Barring entering in a year when there was no 4th Impact so they didn’t have to share the cool, female group vote, probably not. Because that may have been another reason they went back to watching on Saturday nights with the rest of us before we’d even learned their names. 4th Impact have had so much publicity and so much attention that Alien Uncovered - despite being one of the best groups to appear on X Factor, imagine them in a year where we sat down every week for a bit of Stereo Kicks or 2 Shoes - managed to slip under radar. Which is quite the feat when you look at their eye make-up.

Reality stars flood your Instagram with oh-so casual selfies next to giant bags of detox tea. But are there any real benefits to those celeb-endorsed ‘health’ products?

Picture Credit: @booteauk Instagram

Of all the things you’re guaranteed to see in a glass-eyed scroll of Instagram (#avotoast, your smuggest couple mates in a selfie, Taylor Swift on stage with someone very famous), a #spon shot of a ‘wellness’ product is a definite. But do celebs do it for more than the cash? Should you skip last orders to do some oil pulling? We asked the experts for their verdict...

Fit Tea

Picture Credit: @FitTea Twitter

Endorsed By: Sarah Hyland, Vanessa Hudgens, Amber Rose

What The Brand Says: It’s a detoxifying tea blend to enhance your weight management programme.

What Our Experts Say: Nutritional Therapist Emma Olliff says: “There is insufficient evidence that this will aid weight loss. Birch bark is said to contain betulinic acid, which is a diuretic so this will lead to the loss of water and will probably make a person appear thinner, but only temporarily. Stevia is touted as a natural sweetener with no calories, but recently there have been possible links to overeating and low blood pressure.”

310 Nutrition Shakes

Picture Credit: @lindsaylohan Twitter

Endorsed By: JWoww, Lindsay Lohan

What The Brand Says: A meal replacement shake that reduces hunger.

Olliff says: “Because the 310 Shake is basically just a low calorie supplement meant to replace higher calorie foods, it can help some people lose weight. Will the 310 Shake work better than other weight loss shakes? Probably not. Anyway, you can’t remain on them long term and this way of dieting generally leads to weight gain and your metabolism slowing down – something we don’t want to happen.”

Bootea

Picture credit: Twitter

Endorsed By: Kim Kardashian, Michelle Keegan, Jamie Laing

What The Brand Says: Aims to ‘kickstart a healthier lifestyle’ via a combination of their Daytime Detox and Bedtime Cleanse.

Olliff says: “Bootea contains oolong tea which has possible weight loss properties. However, the ‘detox’ aspect of Bootea is believed to be an unhealthy and unproductive activity and does not have any clinical links with weight loss. The bedtime cleanse tea has a laxative effect too which has reportedly been stopping the effectiveness of women's Pills.”

Protein World Slender Blend

Picture Credit: Instagram

Endorsed By: Snooki, Jessica Wright, Ferne McCann

What The Brand Says: It is a (low calorie) meal replacement and will help with weight loss.

Olliff says: “Meal replacement drinks are not slimming drinks. They are high in calories and fats (not necessarily good ones) and although this formula contains only 150 calories this could be doubled after milk and fruit is added, so if you are using this as well as a meal you are likely to put on weight. It contains vitamins and minerals so will provide nutritional support but it also contains green tea extract and guarana, two popular weight loss ingredients that may help increase the speed of the metabolism, although there is no scientific research on humans to substantiate this.  The guarana and green tea are in very low quantities so unlikely to have any effects.”

MateFit TeaTox

Picture Credit: @britneyspears Instagram

Endorsed by: Britney Spears, Nicki Minaj, Amber Rose

What The Brand Says: By removing toxins, excess water and increasing your metabolism naturally, it will make your body healthier.

Olliff says: “The Detox tea contains dandelion leaf and rhubarb extract to increase the amount and frequency of urination and there are laxatives including senna and hibiscus leaf - one way or another you are going to be in the toilet! The second tea, Metabolic Boost, contains stimulants guarana and yerba mate, both known for high levels of caffeine. There is no proof in any of its claims and all medical opinion is that detoxing by taking laxatives and diuretics is unnecessary and potentially dangerous to health.”

Lyfe Tea

Picture Credit: @lyfe_tea Instagram

Endorsed by: Hilary Duff, Khloe Kardashian, Nicky Hilton

What The Brand Says: A tea formulated to help your body metabolise fat and curb cravings.

Olliff says: “Like most of these teas, it contains ingredients which have laxative effects, specifically senna. If consumed in high quantities, these substances can cause dizziness, diarrhoea, vomiting, stomach cramps and headaches. Like most of these products too, it won’t produce long term results.  The laxative action will probably cause a small amount of short-term weight loss but that’s it - don’t waste your money.”

Hairburst

Picture credit: @ashleytisdale Twitter

Endorsed By: Lindsay Lohan, Ashley Tisdale, Katie Price

What The Brand Says: A supplement containing vitamins to help you grow long, healthy hair.

Olliff says: “While most of Hairburst’s ingredients have the potential to provide you with better hair, none of them do this directly. In other words, many of the supplement’s ingredients can work as a building block to help your body ultimately produce healthier hair. Because of this, different individuals will almost certainly have different experiences with Hairburst based on physiology, other supplements or medications you’re taking, your current health, foods you eat, etc.”

Slendertoxtea

Picture Credit: Instagram

Endorsed By: Heidi Montag, Lisa Vanderpump

What The Brand Says: A supplement designed to detoxify and cleanse, increase metabolism, suppress your appetite, burn calories and increase energy.

Olliff says: “Slendertox contains two beans – the red bean and the stirling bean – and I have absolutely no idea what these beans are. I would err on the side of caution about taking a completely invented ingredient like this. The product information warns you that both teas will cause a laxative effect and many customers have warned that this can come on very suddenly. From my research it works due to the fact it is a very (very, very, very) powerful laxative. Taking laxatives to fuel weight loss does not result in long-term weight loss and can lead to dehydration. It’s very inadvisable.”

Coco White

Picture Credit: Twitter

Endorsed by: Lindsay Lohan, Kylie Jenner, Katie Price, Vanessa Hudgens

What The Brand Says: Based on the traditional technique of ‘oil pulling’ and using coconut oil to “provide a 100% natural alternative to the chemical fuelled teeth whitening craze”.

What Our Experts Say: Dr Zaki Kanaan, owner of K2 Dental, says: “The way oil pulling works is that when you swish the oil around your mouth, bacteria gets stuck in it and dissolves. It’s safe, natural but it doesn’t actually whiten the tooth, it just removes surface bacteria. When you get teeth professionally whitened, it works by whitening the mineral content of the tooth. Coco White might be useful for removing stains if you’re a smoker or in between hygienist appointments but nothing more than that.”

Hairfinity

Picture Credit: @jwoww Instagram

Endorsed by: JWoww, Kim Kardashian

What The Brand Says: “An innovation in hair care with ingredients which promote faster hair growth, increased hair elasticity, improved hair strength, and more.”

Olliff says: “As with Hairburst, some people will get great results and others will be disappointed. Any registered nutritional therapist will tell you that there are no pills that can act as a substitute for a balanced nutrient dense diet. My suggestion would be to clean up what you are eating, add in way more nutrient dense foods and drop the rubbish. By improving your diet and ditching the junk, you’ll get whole-body health benefits, not just related to your weight, skin, nails and hair.”

Mr Blanc

Picture Credit: @stephaniepratt Twitter

Endorsed by: Stephanie Pratt, Ashley Tisdale, Lucy Watson

What The Brand Says: A “non-peroxide whitening product clinically proven to safely whiten teeth with enamel-friendly ingredients.”

Dr Kanaan says: “They are selling this product as non-peroxide because it’s legal to sell things that aren’t peroxide-based, but I can’t see anything about what the material actually is.

“ I would never recommend a product when they don’t know what the actual ingredients are, especially when you’re putting it on your teeth so could ingest it. The only ingredients it does mention are sodium perborate which is a chemical often used by illegal tooth whitening clinics and beauticians and has been banned by the EU. Products of the borate family do have teeth-cleaning properties, but are considered to be very unsafe, and are potentially carcinogenic.

“According to the Council of European Dentists (CED), these substances have been classified as carcinogenic, mutagenic or toxic for reproduction (CMR) and any substance classified as such, independent of its concentration, is prohibited for use in cosmetic products.

Oh and while we’re preoccupied with bringing things back, I’ll take Josh and Monica as immediate wildcards too please

Seriously, can we go on this holiday? (Picture credit: ITV)

It only takes a YouTube of Sinitta fashioning foliage into evening wear or Rylan sobbing more than most people cry at funerals to remind you how major Judges’ Houses weekend is in the annual X Factor calendar.

It’s like reality TV mixed with travel porn -  and who doesn’t love it when an excited singer has clearly been told by a production team to leap into a pool even though they’re currently wearing a dry clean only dress they spent a couple of hundred quid on?

And that, right there, is the first reason why changing the format of Judges’ Houses to contain a live element was a huge error. Not one singer leaped fully clothed into water when they were told they were through; the live show equivalent was a small but enthusiastic hug for Olly Murs and a thumbs up to their nan in the audience.

Live Show Judges’ Houses verdicts felt like a gimmick drafted in by someone who’d been in an emergency meeting about the Strictly rating for four hours without biscuits and was getting desperate. If in doubt, X Factor’s policy is usually ‘drag it on a bit longer and add a stadium’. I bet the relatives that don’t live near London are kicking right off about that train journey.

Fairly sure Che is singing a song entitled ‘This Judges’ Houses format is rubbish, please bring back the old one’ (Picture credit: ITV)

It was all so exciting! Then we came back to the studio and it wasn’t (Picture credit: ITV)

See, Bupsi’s definitely on our side too (Picture credit: ITV)

Adding the stadium took away a lot of the things that make Judges’ Houses great. Getting contestants to watch it back in retrospect got rid of the pace that this weekend normally has and it took away the fun. Judges’ Houses was the best bit of X Factor and if anything in a show being beamed to seven million people can be intimate, that weekend was it.

When they all hung out in their holiday clothes next to a pool - judges included, I don’t want to alarm anyone but Gary Barlow did attend Judges’ Houses in chinos - it felt casual, a teeny bit less scripted and a refreshing change to the baying crowds and formal presenting.

“You’re all so gracious,” they were told, and it was true. Gracious but... but... this is Saturday night on a reality show! I want storming off, a refusal to speak to camera without some swearing, sobbing on the sleeve of an uncomfortable pop star, a bit of sand kicked on the beach. All the things you get when you do it on location, in the moment and not in the glitzy, measured air of a live night verdict.

This Sunday’s X Factor: like a really mean game of musical chairs

The final six: Max Stone, Ebru Ellis, Bupsi, Jennifer Phillips, Kerrie-Anne Phillips and Anton Stephens (Picture credit: ITV pictures)

A handy translation guide for those who were a bit confused by this weekend’s X Factor, in which Simon Cowell reverted back to his Mr Nasty prototype in order to liven up the blahest of all the Six Chair Challenge episodes, and stop the remaining viewers switching over to Strictly:

“You’ve got no personality” = “You’re a normal human/ You’re not hateful”

“You’re the librarian who sings” = “You don’t look like Harry Styles”

“You have a presence’’ = “Your jeans have rips in them and I don’t know anyone else with a bandana”

So Sunday’s show involved the final scenes from the groups category and the obligatory turfing out of The Ones Who Didn’t Get Shown During Auditions to make room for The Ones With A Storyline, AKA Girl Gospel Group and Boy Gospel Group. If those two aren’t in a dramatic, emotional final two showdown sent to Deadlock one week in live shows, I’ll eat Zen’s (almost definitely really named Stephen) bandana, actually, and then we’ll see if he still has a ‘presence’.

Anton: we all did this motion after your Botox speech too, you legend of our time (Picture credit: ITV pictures)

There is only so far a bandana will take you, Zen (Stephen?) my friend: evidence right here, in the form of Jennifer (Picture credit: ITV Pictures)

Working relations between Simon and Max, after he opened by suggesting he was boring and had no personality: expected to need some work (Picture credit: ITV Pictures)

Then we were on to the crux of the show, the selection of The Overs, a category whose very name makes everyone in it 20% worse by association. Olly Murs was an over, Fleur East was an over and if the judges ever decided to sling their own hats in the ring, everyone but Rita Ora would be an over and yet this category, via years of maxi dress-based styling, mid-brown eye shadow and Eighties ballads is synonymous with bland.

There are some great singers in The - oh god I can barely say it - Overs, but I fear with Simon Cowell grudgingly going through the mentoring motions with them, this year’s unlikely to be any different. This weekend he seemed barely interested in them enough to bother making a decision, chopping and changing his mind on the basis of anything a whisper from Rita to an enthusiastic poster in red felt tip.

It may seem counter-intuitive but the best thing that could have happened to The Overs would have been for it to be given to a younger judge to mentor. Had The Overs - wow a rename really would help wouldn’t it? - been put in the hands of Cheryl, Rita or even Nick, it could be made current.

Six Chair Challenge update: Six Chair Challenge is still going on

Probably best for him to get home anyway, he’ll get awful chilly like that (Picture credit: ITV)

If there is one thing Simon Cowell does not like – apart from new jean-length styling suggestions and Steve Brookstein – it’s being told by a man in a baseball cap that he should have been given an extra one minute, 13 seconds of air time.

Did Mason Noise not know the rules? Did he have no telly guru-based respect? When it comes to weekend TV, Simon can dedicate 45 minutes to Louis Walsh talking about his favourite shampoo if he wants, he can screen an hour’s close-up of him flossing his teeth: that is just how things work.

Sadly though, Mason had not read that rulebook which means that he kicked off, made Simon swear and headed for home to get excited that his Twitter followers have just gone up a lot. I realise Mason Noise probably wasn’t the world’s next musical genius, but this could have turned out so much better: he was different and sparky, which would be welcome in a few weeks in a sea of earnestness and ballads and Big Band Week grins and blonde quiffs.

Essentially, that is all I’m ever looking for in X Factor auditions these days. Someone to wake me up and stir me out of a James Bay-induced semi TV coma, which is why Fourth Power and their lovely bounciness were also a highlight of Sunday’s show. Producers can pretend that there’s a cliffhanger over who stays on their chairs in the groups category (awkward anyway - I realise they want to be literal on the Six Chair Challenge but they could have brought on a few more) until next week but we all know those girls aren’t going anywhere. And that if they don’t want to share dressing rooms in live shows with each other, they can definitely tap up fellow safe-bets Alien.

They should really advertise shampoo for glossy hair just after this lot perform (Picture credit: ITV)

This is about the bleedin’ Slam Dunk gag again isn’t it? (Picture credit: ITV)

Alien: big fans of the floor (Picture credit: ITV)

If we were Cheryl we’d probably say SLAM DUNK (Picture credit: ITV)

Oh, all the acts whose life stories we already know went through, you say? This is a giant shock for us all!

Rita: did not get the no-heels memo (Picture credit: ITV pictures)

The Six Chair Challenge may be a fairly recent addition to the X Factor but it already has one key rule: if we haven’t seen your life story, your nan and your mid-sob hug with Olly Murs in the audition rounds, you will not make it through to Judges’ Houses.

Sharon, that was a cracking voice, your red floaty skirt was especially lovely but you were about as likely to stay in your seat as someone who’d just put the kettle on in the kitchen and was gagging for a cup of tea.

Louisa Johnson, Kiera Weathers, Lauren Murray and Monica Michael had been - rightly - so hyped that there was no way they weren’t making it through and when someone in a crop top raps around that judging panel, we know they’re set. Havva Rebke: through.

One solution to not having a chair: just kneel down on the floor (Picture credit: ITV pictures)

Now would probably be a good time to offer to duet with her or something, Rita (Picture credit: ITV pictures)

Kiera babes, not a great time to rub in your dry shampoo (Picture credit: ITV pictures)

The biggest surprise at the first Six Chair Challenge was the exit of Charli Beard. Firstly because she is someone who’s been a ‘storyline’ from the beginning and secondly because she was one of the most talented singers on the show this year.

I stopped scrolling social media when Charli sang -  there can be no bigger 2015 TV compliment - and I suspect she’ll be lining up at next year’s Six Chair Challenge with Rita decreeing her ‘the biggest mistake of my category last year.’ If there’s one thing X Factor does well, it’s… well let’s call it ‘tradition’.

It felt like Karen Mav was a victim of going first - had she come on in Lauren’s end slot and done that same vocal? There’s no way they’d have sent her off to get the bus home.

While Chloe Paige’s Amazing Grace was impressive too, it felt like a strong one-off. In a category as excellent as this one - I don’t know if you heard Rita mention it but the decisions were quite hard, guys - I’d have money on Chloe not making it through to live shows.

Of course that’s probably incidental. Owing to the decision to make each Six Chair Challenge take up hours and weekends of our life (top tip, start a whole 40 minutes late, skip the adverts/ competition bits and you will still finish at the same time as everyone else, saving hours - genuinely HOURS - of your life), live shows are now so far away that some of the girls/ boys may well have aged enough to skip off into the overs.

Now this will be a major boost for the category Simon was openly annoyed that he’s been stuck with, in that weird segment at the beginning where they did a big reveal on who had what category even though they told us all on Twitter about two weeks ago.

We can all pretend there are hundreds who could win but it’s obvious already who’ll still be on our TVs when we’re popping the doors on our advent calendars

Never THAT one Cheryl! (Picture credit: ITV)

If you watch the angst and listen to the soundbites from the judges, you’d think choosing the contestants for the Six Chair Challenge - for the uninitiated that’s like the fancy version of sitting in one of those ‘please give up for people less able to stand’ seats on the bus and looking around nervously every time new people get on - was the hardest decision anyone has ever made.

Was it though? Was it really?

Because watching on Sunday night, there are a few contestants whose Polaroids should have gone in a separate pile marked ‘NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION, STEP AWAY’ - the gap between them and the group below felt as wide as the flares on Simon’s bootcuts.

If this guy isn’t in the final we’re storming out. In shoes less giant than Sean’s probably though because that would be tricky (Picture credit: ITV)

Kiera Weathers may not have impressed Simon, but I can’t take my eyes off her (my ears are heavily interested too) and the same goes for the incredible Charli Beard. How cool is Charli Beard? I’ll add to that list current show favourite Louisa Johnson and Monica Michael (woah Rita, you win on categories, you win), both of whom stay in your mind long after they finish singing and you go off to make your ham sandwiches for work tomorrow.

No pressure Louisa, but you are the favourite so... (Picture credit: ITV)

Charli Beard, one of our standouts (Picture credit: ITV)

Monica: former enemy of the six chair challenge (Picture credit: ITV)

Current status: good, predicted future status: brilliant (Picture credit: ITV)

Mason Noise won’t win but should stay around to bring joy and look like - nod to Louis Walsh - a pop star and I suspect Josh Daniel can be brilliant, although his Boot Camp audition was only good.

After that, any of those Polaroids could be chucked into a bin/ given to a Cowell minion to chuck in a bin, because even though there are some cracking voices in there, they’re not going to win. You could never critique Che Chesterman’s voice but everything else has to be in place too and unfortunately I am already wincing at the efforts to give him a quirky haircut in the makeovers and his awkwardness in Big Band Why Is This Still Happening This Is The Oldest Idea Ever Week.

Extra points for the jumpsuit, Kiera (Picture credit: ITV)

There were lots it was super-easy to weed out, far easier surely than it should have been in Boot Camp week. Some guy called Gem whose presence Simon seemed justifiably baffled about until you remembered that Simon chooses who goes to Boot Camp. Andre whose dance moves said to me ‘jeans too tight, slight chafe situation going on’, Papasidero’s ‘exhibition’ which involved him trying to yank his top off so desperately it was like he’d just got off a plane in a heatwave wearing cashmere and come on, it’s too late in the process for us still to be entertaining the Olly Murs tribute act guy. Others sang well but just didn’t sparkle or stay in your mind.

Even Fourth Power - one of those acts the show is obsessed with and being touted as the best girl band since Cheryl herself took part in one - lacked the I-want-to-dance-right-here-on-my-sofaness of the first performance and despite the efforts of X Factor with Anton’s He Was A Backing Singer, What A Tragedy narrative (It’s a pretty nice job guys! He wasn’t down the mines!) he’s never felt like a genuine proposition for a winner.

As James Hill won Celebrity Big Brother, social media was full of ‘he’s not famous enough’ outrage. But wouldn’t we rather have a kind, genuine unknown as the winner than a nasty, loud A-lister?

Man tub, anyone? (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Serious dress envy here (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Firstly, a caveat. As a 30-something red wine loving woman from Liverpool, my final night loyalty could only lie with one ginge and I was gutted when brave, fun, wise, she-could-be-my-mate Natasha was voted out.

But once she was announced as third, the public’s decision to make James the winner was absolutely the right one. Emma Willis was right about Austin: it was gripping viewing seeing such a fallible human with all his nuances but it didn’t feel quite right for him to be number one.

James on the other hand did feel right, even amidst a sea of social media whining about his level of fame - and this is why.

A lot of the 20-something blokes who have previously gone into Big Brother have offended me a lot. They’ve wheeled out sexist ‘jokes’ about the women, their banter-level’s pure Beavis and Butthead and often they are angrier than Farrah Abraham holding a glass on a spin-off show. It’s the more mature ones that come off better, usually, but then you have James Hill.

Yes, he’s only marginally more famous than my local butcher, but in any other profession does that rule you out of getting awards? Or does it just mean that if you bag them precociously you’re doing pretty well at whatever it is that you do?

Is she sort of using Sherrie as a lean-post? Awkward (Picture credit: Channel 5)

James Hill is good at being famous. We have a celebrity culture of Chloe Jasmine posing and rehearsed soundbite interviews, and he’s genuine. We have a celebrity culture of laddishness and aggression - he is rumoured to have replaced Dan Osborne, I shall leave that there - and James is a gentleman. We have a celebrity culture where intellect isn’t something which is particularly encouraged and James is smart.

Virtually dancing out of the doors (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Sherrie, wriggling her shoulders for all of womankind (Picture credit: Channel 5)

He spoke more sense than anyone who’s ever been on the show before, and he stood his ground in difficult moments - the Austin nomination was so awkward, it made Jarrah re-entering the house look like a cute family Christmas. 

He didn’t churn out unmeaning platitudes on cue to Austin about their friendship, he said he liked him, he thought a lot of him, but that they had only known each other for three weeks and that wasn’t very long. I reserve an especially exaggerated eye roll at housemates who scream I LOVE YOU at every audience member who yells into the house and announce second mothers after two gins in a can and I loved James for his honesty. Of course you can’t know each other in three weeks, listen to the voice of sanity, people.

It feels very, very wrong looking at him in this many clothes. Almost... grubby (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Even those who thought James had tactics can’t genuinely believe his rationality and calm was a game plan; no-one could keep that up for four weeks, especially when you’re living in a house with the human equivalent of clickbait. How could anyone not rise to Farrah, when she went for him so personally with her comments about his relationship with Austin?

James is famous for being a businessman who tried to get Alan Sugar’s attention on The Apprentice and that, for some reason, makes people angry. Is being a former Apprentice contestant worse than being a professional boyfriend-of-someone-famous? Than making a name of yourself for being mean on Twitter? Or is it actually quite an admirable route? James is a celebrity who very definitely has a real job. 

No more cray-cray, people - this is a sad day

Well the guy on the left looks like her likes her so that’s something (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Oh Jarrah, we are in mourning.

While for the last few days Farrah’s been nice enough that were you to bump into her at a party, you might chat to her in the kitchen (from a safe distance with one hand on the emergency button on your phone obviously, we’re not idiots) the rest of the time she has made Regina George look like Mary Berry.

I thought Bobby’s “no amount of lip gloss can disguise the ugliness inside you” speech was too harsh, but the crux of what he said was right and while the drama may have technically been accredited to both halves of Jarrah, we all know who was dominating. 

Jenna: dreaming of a day without a massive fight (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Even in her interview and after seeing the show reel of her vitriol, Farrah was still unrepentant and thought nothing she did was unreasonable.

“I don’t think I ever hit someone,” she said in confusion, giving Emma The Eyes. “That would be too far.”

Give it up, Em. Trying to explain reasonable behaviour to Farrah is like trying to explain Poundland to David Cameron; you could try and try and she just wouldn’t grasp it.

Might as well give it up, Em (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Farrah was the catalyst for all the drama that happened in the house and without her, I suspect a secretly relieved Jenna will just sit sipping tea and doing the chorus of Whole Again with Natasha. That barring Austin occasionally boiling over about someone leaving a cup on the table or Chloe Jasmine shrieking about an undefined problem in Janice’s armpit, that will be it for the arguments.

It’s going to fall - speaking of Janice - to the reality TV stalwart to create the drama, but her drama is more comedy than genuine discord, and we have enough from the Brits. From the Americans we wanted the extremes and the madness, obviously, why do you think they get so much cash?

Which means that with a week to go, Celebrity Big Brother has peaked. Sure, we’ll watch. Mainly in case James changes his mind and falls in love with Austin, and because I have never seen a more bizarre dynamic between a couple as Chloe Jasmine and Stevi, and that is oddly fascinating. Oh and I’ll watch for Janice’s facial expressions; she may not be able to manage many these days but it’s quality not quantity and the ones she does are something seriously special.

You will be relieved to know that things finished on the note they should have: with Mark Francis receiving a sea shell he would coat with silver and fill with caviar

Milk, half a sugar ta Ols (Picture credit: Twitter)

Summer is over, and we are all different people. Alex Mytton gives love life advice, Lucy Watson radiates happiness and us: well, we have to accept that our judgement is impaired and we know nothing, because we previously thought that JP’s phone were the only man-phone in Chelsea to be free of texts to multiple women saying things that are definitely not ‘We need onions’ or ‘Can you pick up some kitchen roll?’

Now though, it seems JP too has the penchant-for-texting-many-women-at-one-time gene, and the making-the-women-of-Chelsea-feel-a-bit-rubbish gene and while he is still protesting his innocence, everything we knew is in question.

Is he basically Spencer in a bowler hat? Alex Mytton with smaller hair? Jamie Laing with more innocent eyes? While we mull over these questions, here are the 10 poshest things that happened in Made In Chelsea LA: episode six…

1. When JP had an Old Fashioned on the edge of a pool

You know what we would be having? Beer. Or a Sprite.

2. When Ollie had never done an at-home hair dye

“I don’t know what you DO,” the returning Ollie said, aghast at his grey hairs.

“Erm, you go to the hairdressers,” explained Binks, sipping her well-brewed tea.

It’s almost like they skipped the rite of passage where you did an at-home dye with a ropey £3 box of colour you found at the market and went straight to Nicky Clarke. Oh that’s exactly what happened, you say? Ah.

3. When Jamie’s pulling outfit was a leopard print shirt

Actually this may not have been the poshest thing that happened this episode, so much as the one that was the most Jamie Laing. Sadly it still didn’t work and Jess - after fruitless attempts to avoid the conversation about their relationship status which included talking about the breeze levels on the beach - had to give him the knockback.

Wait, we have the same one! Was it Zara? (Picture credit: Twitter)

4. When Alik and Gabriella did an impromptu beach gig with a tiny guitar

The tiny guitar potentially has another name, but unfortunately we are not posh enough to know about that. Good wafting from Louise too.

5. When they had actual furniture on the beach

Nothing says posh like never having to try to get comfortable on a beach towel.

6. When champagne bars just pop up wherever you go

This here is the life of Mark Francis, who arrived at the beach only for there to be a ready made champagne cocktail waiting for him.

Kind of makes us feel we should put on a clean pair of jogging bottoms (Picture credit: Channel 4)

7. When a story begins “You know that day at the ranch…”

Sure!

8. When you go to meet your ex for a break up chat and appear to have a feather in a bowler hat

If anyone has any more specific details about what was going on with Jamie’s headwear in that scene, please do let us know.

9. When you see a shell and you think ‘caviar bowl’

“That’s divine,” said Mark Francis when the season’s most random new character Olivia gave him a high energy shell to connect them via the ocean. Look, we do yoga and we still don’t get that, but anyway.

“That’s divine,” said Mark Francis. “I shall take it straight to [insert name of posh shop that we didn’t recognise because we are not posh enough], have it coated in silver and turn it into an ashtray. Or perhaps a caviar bowl.”

“A caviar bowl with pearl spoons!” cried Olivia.

A caviar bowl with pearl spoons. You heard.

10. A woman whose name is Toff was out-poshed

There were incredible voices and ‘spellbounding’ (oh Cheryl) performances, but the tired old audition format has me longing to speed things on a bit

The judges loved to compare whitening strip-effectiveness in between auditions (Picture credit: ITV)

For those who like to play along with a mental game of X Factor bingo, this weekend was a giver.

“Your harmonies were on point,” said Cheryl, who often describes harmonies as on point.

“You owned it,” said Rita, who often tells people they owned it.

“I didn’t think it was a good audition,” said Simon, leaning back and smiling like a man in a club who genuinely believes the second half of his chat-up line is unique and unpredictable. “I thought it was a great audition.”

If it had been up to them to carry the shows - and with only that Look! Rita Ora flirts! montage for juice - I’d have been having a sofa snooze by 8.17pm. Barring the bit where Rita Ora and Nick Grimshaw debated over what type of ham Ben Clark reminded them of - no-one could accuse that of being a cliche and I would like to encourage many, many more debates about the type of cold meat a singer would be.

The 87th man of the night Rita Ora flirted with; way to make a guy feel special Reet (Picture credit: ITV)

Luckily though there were singers entertaining enough to help the judges along. Monica Michael, whose rejection at Bootcamp last year was a travesty as giant as her earrings and the effortlessly talented Kiera Weathers, who made the ‘CONGRATULATIONS: excessive amounts of cash coming your way’ buzzer go off on Simon’s phone.  

There was Katie Coleman, the girl who sung Ariana Grande’s Break Free simply because it’s a good song until the judges eyeballed her and dropped some heavy hints that it would be helpful if she played up the break-up element (“But what is it about in particular for you?”) I’m fairly sure Rita Snapchatted her some heartbreak emojis from under the desk.

💔💔💔💔 (Picture credit: ITV)

Kiera: surely now a hot favourite? (Picture credit: ITV)

Monica not getting through last year: a travesty as giant as her earrings (Picture credit: ITV)

Even the groups - a category which is generally so bad that the ones that make it to live shows consist of people who met two days ago and don’t know each other’s surnames - had some standouts. Rumour Has It, PYT and Silver Tone, a gospel girl band whose Bridge Over Troubled Water was superior even to the all time best reality TV Bridge Over Troubled Water, AKA the one done on Pop Stars by Suzanne Shaw.

But despite all of those strong auditions - and loads more we don’t have time to mention because celebrities keep doing things so we have to go and write about them -  this weekend felt tired. I am longing for Bootcamp just to mix up the format of 1. Person walks in 2. Person sings 3. Person is told one of 25 stock phrases from The Book Of Talent Show Judging Cliches. I thought Louis Walsh would take it with him; turns out he did not.

If we leave her in there until the end, she might even make the house Whole Again you know (SORRY)

Me? Me? Hell yeah you (Picture credit: Channel 5)

We’re hurtling towards the final week of Celebrity Big Brother (expect strong language, scenes of a sexual nature and Chloe-Jasmine weeping in a corner because she’s banned from licking Stevi’s ear for ten minutes etc) which means that it’s time to start calling the winner.

The bookies are predicting a James Hill victory, which would be fine because he seems such a lovely man and his bromance with Austin is one of the most genuine relationships in the house, but less fine because of the word celebrity in the name of the show and the fact his claim to fame is being in The Apprentice for a few weeks.

Apologies to those who were hoping for a topless picture (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Public opinion/ your Facebook feed is #TeamDavro, on the basis of that speech to Farrah. You missed it? Sample quote:”You are possibly one of the ugliest people I have ever had to have the misfortune of sharing my time with. No amount of lip gloss will disguise the ugliness that lives inside of you.”

But while with his overall sentiment Bobby Davro did speak for all of us - a sentence I did not ever imagine myself typing - the way he said it made me uncomfortable. Yes, it was against Official House Nightmare Farrah, but the whole in-group takedown? It felt a little too far.

The only time Farrah has been recorded putting her hands up (Picture credit: Channel 5)

The other person I’m a big fan of in the house is Gail Porter - her disappearing behind her podium because the whole game of buzz-and-slag-someone-off was too much to bear made me empathise from behind my podium-equivalent (the sofa cushion) and laugh a lot - but so far, she doesn’t feel like a winner. Which leaves me with only one choice: Natasha Hamilton.

Oh I am with you Gail, I’m squirming right with you (Picture credit: Channel 5)

You know how things get, you’re stressed out and you just have to get in the bath with your mates and have a cry (Picture credit: Channel 5)

This picture has no relevance to this piece but come on, you wanted to see it again didn’t you? (Picture credit: Channel 5)

Now who knew? Natasha is brilliant. She is who you’d want to be if you were in there. Fair, calm, but willing to stand up for herself when it’s needed. She listens in arguments rather than leaping in with hysteria, she makes an effort with those she doesn’t gel with and when it gets too much, she has a really honest cry to her mates. In, er, the bath. Because sometimes when you’re in Big Brother things are weird.

It was the penultimate episode and in between Jamie-bashing, here’s what everyone got up to...

There was minimal take-up for Jamie’s mid-lunch Mexican wave (Picture credit: Twitter)

You know it’s not a normal night in Made in Chelsea when Lucy Watson is toasting to happiness and Alex Mytton is a sage voice of relationship wisdom. But some things don’t change and that is that they are all very, very posh. Here are the best posh moments from this week’s episode...

1. This conversation

“Have you ever caught your own dinner?” Jamie, fishing line in hand as part of an Official Made In Chelsea LA Activity Scene, asked Mark Francis.

“Well I’m very good at catching the waiter’s attention in a restaurant,” said Mark Francis, sniffing partly because he was horrified and partly because the air smelled of squid. “If that’s what you mean.”

Steph and Naz’s reaction to Spencer arriving and stripping naked were very different (Picture credit: Twitter)

2. The way Toff calls Jess ‘Jessie’

The fanciest pronunciation of the name we’ve ever heard. Very much enjoyed Toff’s extreme Jess-based loyalty in the face of some very harsh girl v girl sentiment this episode, incidentally.

3. Jamie having a boys’ solo night in with his beers resting on his ottoman

When his friends turned on him and even lovely Alik suggested he would be lonely forever - Alik! This is not like you! -  Jamie decided to head home and have the obligatory feeling sorry for yourself night in, wearing slobby clothes and drinking beer. What is not normally there: an ottoman for you to rest your lager on. 

4. Alex gruffly telling JP ‘a few of those will sort you out’... and meaning a mojito

Not a straight vodka. Not a pint of Stella. A mojito.

5. When Binky dealt with being knocked back by buying a flight which probably cost about a million dollars

Only if you’re posh can you deal with rejection by booking a transatlantic flight with about an hour’s notice. Probably first class too. What a world.

6. JP’s attire

The cream jacket which even Jamie mocked for its poshness. The handkerchief in his pocket. If he hadn’t hurt our Binky, we’d be applauding his fashion choices right now but he did and so unfortunately he can never be praised for anything ever again.

7. When Binky sat around a lunch table with her potential new boyfriend on one side of her and her ex on the other

They like to keep it close, those posh people. See also how many different combinations of that lunch group had a romantic history.

Off the top of our heads we counted:

Jamie and Lucy

Jamie and Jess

Jamie and Naz

Lucy and James

Binky and Alex

Alex and Jess

Binky and Jamie

The count would go up a lot if Spencer had arrived, obviously.

8. When the girls met up for a vat of seafood

If you see any headlines about prawn shortages, blame Binky, Jess and Toff.

And so you should look shifty, JP (Picture credit: Twitter)

9. When they chatted about what wine they would be like that were a normal conversation

Mark Francis was going to be a Dom Perignon ‘96 but that’s become a little common, which is odd because we’ve never seen it on offer in Tesco?

Like a really posh version of Neighbours (Picture credit: Channel 4)

10. When Binky got her heart broken in the Hollywood Hills