c a r l y

the only man you knew

at such a young age,

the first man you’d look up to

only part of the reason why

you grew up to fast

too young yet,

your youth began to fly away,

breaking off into pieces

every night

yelling , screaming,

you learned to hide your pain,

so you never would become like him.

step father,

the first man to pick something over you,

the first man to make you cry,

the first man to make you believe,

love was scary.

he said he cared yes,

but in a careless way,

to careless to be there

while you wanted to look up to him

past his mistakes..

you’d form an understanding,

he was never going to choose you.

you’d go on to accept boys,

and there no efforts to love you.

your step-father,

only portrayed just enough

for you to think you were more then drugs.

your lovers,

only gave you enough

for you to think they’d stay.

i used to think to myself,

how could you stay with someone,

who didn’t give you what you gave them.

but then i remembered my step-dad

how i trusted him,

and how he betrayed my trust each time.

my step dad,

taught me how to love the men,

who leave you for something else.

too far away,

in relation to all my haunting thoughts the people who have abandoned me are showing up in my mind. consuming my brokenness and making me fall apart all over again.

im trying to heal and trying to continue this journey with a smile but how can one smile when all they feel like doing is shedding tears.

i wish it was the way it was before. before i knew how true heart break felt like and before everyone who had power over me got the chance to piece apart my happiness like i was some old puzzle to throw away.

i miss my life. and though ill never get my life back i continue to try. i continue to do this to live on in memory of what used to be and what will never be again.

im sorry for my flaws and my mistakes. my errors in this life and my toxic ways. im trying to become the best me i can be. i just didn’t know my worst me had to come out before then. im trying so hard to keep it from coming through that my body feels restless. exhausted from the daily smiles that are merely fake. in hind sight ive vowed to keep my most vulnerable and meaningful parts sacred but it’s all come so cloudy in my head.

you can only abandon a poets heart so much until it becomes heartless.

who am i without my hopeless romantic mind?

ive fathomed for the day someone loved me fully and deeply like ive always loves others but now after so many let downs and betrayals ive been shown that only i will be the one to love like that, never will i experience someone to love me the way i love.

that’s my love story.

she tried and tried until she didn’t even recognize herself anymore.

My time is running out, just for you to look at the clock and say “just a little longer”.

It’s draining, tiring and life is flashing before my eyes. Quickly, it’s taking my bones and weakening them as the clock ticks.

With time my soul disappears, losing the time I once had with you. As the memories fade into a pit of nothing, the only thing I see is the happiness I had floating away from me.

I close my eyes in hopes they’ll come back to me but they were too far gone. I feel the nothingness of memories vacate my mind and turn me into nothing too.

As the time ran out I blinked one more time,praying for one last sight of a memory, then I saw your smile float away like a thought bubble coming to life.

i blinked once again,but you were gone.