I want to arrange them caringly.

        “Of course not.” Night said quickly, then realized that his haste must’ve sounded like he was lying and only seeking to reassure her and set about elaborating, “I haven’t been around because I hate seeing you so miserable. I know, I should stay and face it because it’s my fault, so I deserve to have to watch… but I can’t. I can’t watch you mope around. It’s like when your parents died, except this time I can’t do anything. I can’t take revenge for you, because there’s nobody to take revenge on except myself for putting you into this situation.” He knew he was tripping all over himself trying to explain. It was frustrating being terrible with words, despite all his time living as a human. 

        For a moment, he was silent, his hands clenched into fists at his sides so tightly that his knuckles were white. His hair hung in his downcast eyes and he was glad, because he knew she was close to crying and he thought he’d cry too if she let those tears fall, and he didn’t want her to see that. 

        “I love you too. I’ve always loved you, and I always will.” He spoke like it was a promise. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you needed to talk to him.” 

       Monaka slowly got up so that she could wrap her arms around Night. She didn’t know what to say to him right now. She knew him well enough, to know that he was being serious, there was no lie in his words. But her lingering feelings were still there, and Buer had nothing to do with it. He didn’t mess with her mind, or anything. Monaka just always had a feeling that she was not supposed to be with Night.  

     And yet she knew what she wanted to do. So she gave him a kiss, one that showed how much she missed him and loved him. Sadly, when she closed her eyes all her built up tears ran free. She didn’t know if it was good timing or bad timing as she kissed him. But it helped release some of her held back emotions, and she knew she didn’t want to let go of Night or feel like this again. 

         Night’s hand left the hilt of his sheathed sword and fell to his side noiselessly. For once, Buer had been telling the truth when he said he wasn’t coming around to cause trouble. Now it made sense why Monaka had specifically sought him out–there was no other cat sidhe’s around besides himself, his brother, and Rin’s companion Kuro who chose to live as a cat instead of taking on a human form who likely wouldn’t have any answers. She was sneaking around behind his back because it was something she was too afraid to ask him herself. As always, everything ended up being his fault. 

        “Why would you ever think something like that?” He sighed wearily, much more tired of himself and his inability to confront his feelings instead of attempting to conceal them than of her. The words to express why he’d been avoiding her seemed reluctant to come. Should he lie? She wouldn’t believe him. She saw right through him as easily as he saw through her. They knew each other too well. Maybe that was the issue. From her point of view, he’d tired of Yukio and left him. Did she think he would do the same to her? 

       “I’m not going anywhere, unless you want me to…” Uncertainty crept into his voice, and his gaze dropped to the floor. “Would you rather I left? Would that be easier?” 

     “I don’t.” she said weakly, on the verge of crying. Slowly she sank down onto the floor, not even caring that she was so close to her bed, and yet she decided to be on the hard floor. So Buer was right. She had to face this.And she just had to get this out before it broke her heart even further. So she took a deep breath, and looked back up at Night. 

    “Have you been avoiding me due to the fact that I can’t have kids anymore? I know after we got home, you seemed shocked about that fact. And when it set in you just, seemed to not be here.” She paused for a moment and bit her lip. “I know I have been upset, since I was.....” 

          Night opened his mouth to say something to Monaka, but reconsidered when he saw that she was upset. He could see right through her attempts to cover it up. It was all his fault. Perhaps they both would’ve been better off if he hadn’t come home at all, if he’d taken even longer on that mission. Then he’d never know that she apparently thought it wise to carry on a friendship with his scheming brother when he’d told her not to multiple times, that she’d completely ignored his wishes and was even going behind his back. Was there something between them? 

        “You’d better not be, because I’m not in the mood for it.” He hissed at Buer through clenched teeth, one hand moving to rest on the hilt of his sword which was tucked into the belt of his coat instead of slung across his back, since he’d forgotten the usual cloth covering back at work. Now, it was a convenience. If Buer said the wrong thing, there would be no time wasted getting his sword out with it so readily accessible. 

        “What the hell did I fail to explain to her? If I didn’t explain certain things to her, it was for her own benefit and peace of mind! You’ve got no right to tell her anything!” 

     Buer looked at Monaka and nodded at her. He walked past Night stopping right next to him and said softly. “Take my advice Night, stop avoiding her. She was asking me if cat sidhes get tired of their mates.” He walked out of the room, with no answer as to what he had said to Monaka in response, since mate in the demon world is a lot different than what it meant to Monaka. 

     Monaka just stood there looking at Night, still fighting tears going down her face. She didn’t know if she wanted to leave her room or try and talk to Night. She didn’t want him to leave, but it felt like he was pulling away a little at a time, ever since they came back home. She wondered if Night was throwing himself into his work to get away from her. 

        “You weren’t?” That was surprising. Or it would’ve been, some months ago. Before all of this had become so complicated, she was always eager to see him and would have run to hug him before he was even completely through the doorway. Had he ruined things between them? She didn’t even seem happy to see him, she seemed uncertain and even caught off guard. When he caught a whiff of a familiar scent that wasn’t hers, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. 

       “What is he doing here?” Night demanded, somehow managing to fight off his instantaneous urge to close the distance between him and Buer and strangle the other demon on the spot. It would’ve made his life easier. Jealousy sparked quicker than a match in a dry forest as he wondered what the hell they’d been up to before he’d walked in. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Monaka, he didn’t trust his damn brother. 

     Monaka flinched at the tone. She felt the urge to cry, but held it back. She wasn’t going to cry right now, breaking down wasn’t going to help things. Telling him the truth would. So she took a moment to look at the blond demon behind her, who nodded, before looking back at Night. “He.....he came here because I asked him to,” she admitted. 

     She swallowed wondering what else to say. She had gone to him, since he was the only other Cat Sidhe she knew, besides Kuro and he was no where to be found right now. Buer had told her where she could find him if she ever needed him, and right now she needed....some insight. 

          Night continued to hold her close, staring up at the ceiling once she coaxed him to lay down, deep in thought for a moment. The cats he’d brought with him when he moved in had plenty of space–there were lots of spare bedrooms in the manor, and they had plenty of climbing structures, more toys than they could ever want, and even a patio that was covered with wire mesh so that they could enjoy the outdoors without actually being exposed to danger or hunting any of the songbirds that frequented the gardens. 

        “A cat sanctuary would be great, wouldn’t it?” Many happy, meowing mouths to feed would certainly distract them from their loss. 

        He looked over at her, concerned that she could even think he’d be upset with her about something she couldn’t control. Of course, Pazuzu had conditioned her to think that way. “No, I’m not mad at all. It’s sad, but there’s nothing that we can do about it, and I’m still going to be with you for as long as you want me, okay?” 

        He didn’t want to say ‘as long as you live’, because that would remind him that after Monaka died, she would really be dead now that there would never even be a child of hers, a half-demon child that would’ve been immortal like her father.

     Monaka thought thought about that. He was not mad at her. She had to think about it, her mind agreed with what Night was saying, but her heart couldn’t. It was playing the what-ifs. She needed to get her mind on something else, but it was hard, the pain in her body, the quietness in the air, it all reminded her of the fact that she had two dead children. 

    Clinging to Night she tried to get lost in his warmth and scent. “I will always want you Night. I love you, and I will always love you.” Slowly she moved and was able to look up at his crimson eyes. She slowly smiled, even though there were still tears in her eyes, he could always make her feel better. 

         It saved him at least an ounce of pain that she’d figured it out herself, that he didn’t have to say aloud that their baby was dead. A part of him felt like it wasn’t real, like it had all been made up. Was he just in denial? Yukio wouldn’t lie about something like that. Of course the infant girl that neither of them even got to hold was gone… like she’d never even existed at all. 

         Night held Monaka tightly, supporting her weight against him, concerned that she was going to hurt herself sitting up like that. He brought up one hand to stroke her hair, attempting to soothe her. Her tears made him want to cry, too, but he had to be strong for both of them. 

         “Don’t say that. You didn’t let me, or her down. You did everything that you could. It’s not your fault.” If anything, it was his own fault for failing to protect her from Pazuzu. If she hadn’t been tainted and weakened all those years, she would’ve been stronger. 

        “I love you too, Monaka, and you don’t need to apologize.” He felt like he should’ve been the one making apologies. He’d been stupid and gotten her pregnant in the first place, and made her go through all of this. They should’ve never tried again after that first miscarriage.

       “We don’t need a baby to be a happy family, right? We can adopt more kittens who lost their parents and bottle feed them and cuddle them.” Now he was trying to cheer her up, even though it was likely futile. 

     Feel Night so close, trying to soothe her, did help with her tears. It did not however,make the pain go away. She had lost both of her babies. She thought once that they could have a happy family. She had even gotten Night to smile once, when he felt the first baby move. 

     But it was all dead. 

     She didn’t want to let go of Night, but the pain of staying up right was hurting too much. Slowly she tugged him to the bed with her, still hiding her face, in his chest. “Kittens sounds like a good idea. The manor is large enough to have a small cat sanctuary here.” 

          “Of course I’m here. I’m not going anywhere until you get better.” Night promised with a gentle smile. He was enjoying this, her seeming so pleased to see him and be with him, so… happy. But with the knowledge he had, the things he would have to tell her, he knew it wasn’t going to last. 

         “Yukio made it possible for us to escape. I guess he felt bad, or something. I took you right home and found you the best doctor and hired more security for the mansion.” Not that a bunch of humans would do much against the Illuminati, but at least they would be around to alert him if there was a problem or an intruder. 

        He watched her expression change to one of worry with dread. Silent for a moment, he contemplated how he might tell her what had happened. She was going to be devastated. He’d gone over it in his head over and over, and still hadn’t come up with any good way to say it.

        “There were complications. After you passed out, Yukio had to… he had to take some emergency actions. You can’t have any more babies.” He chose not to answer her about what had happened to their child yet…         

     Slowly Monaka’s free hand went down to flat stomach. She was still soar from her childbirth. That was what the blue light was before she passed out was, Yukio was using his blue flames to save her. The look on Night’s face told her what had happened to their baby, she was dead, just like their first one. “You don’t.....don’t have to say Night,” she said softly, starting to cry. “I can tell.”

     Slowly she sat up, even though it hurt her lower half, and her thighs, and she buried her faced in Night’s chest. She just cried, for both of the babies she had let down, and the fact she could not have any more. Maybe this was a good thing. But she didn’t want to think about that right now. She had wanted to have a small family with Night, but her body had been too weak to do anything, and this just proved it. “I’m sorry,” she cried, into his chest. “I let you down, and I let her down!”

           Night had only left her side for a split second to go get some food from the kitchen, which he’d scarfed down before returning to her room. When he realized that she was awake, he rushed over to her side, kneeling down beside her and taking one of her hands. It felt so fragile in his grasp, and he was worried. She had the best doctor in the whole city, but was it enough? 

          “Monaka… how are you feeling?” He asked, wondering if he should wait for her health to improve before telling her the awful news. He hoped she wouldn’t ask, because he couldn’t lie to her and give her false hope. 

     Monaka smiled when she took his hand. She laid back down, feel so tired. “So you are here,” she remarked. She had missed him so much. She had never wanted to be apart like that again. She pulled his hand closer, not her stomach, but to her heart. She just laid there enjoying being close to him. It felt like this was a dream. Like this was all a dream. “Night, please tell me this is real. How did we all get out?”

     Monaka had been asleep since she had felt her baby coming. The last thing she remembered was Yukio yelling, and saying he was going to help her, and to stay with him. He had scared her, but at the same time, she knew that he wasn’t going to hurt her. She had wanted Night with her. She couldn’t remember if he was there or not. It was all a blur, as the pain got worse and things went slightly blue, she had drifted off. That was all she remembered. 

     Slowly as she opened her eyes now, she was someplace else. She wasn’t in her cell...... she was in her room in the manor. She was home? Was she dreaming? Monaka rubbed her eyes, and looked around. This was really her room. But how? 

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the-red-exorcist                                                                   caring-florist 

                            You will be in my heart no matter what they say

                      I know you and you are not trash,

                             Trash doesn't care like like you do. 

        “You mean leave you and go back to him?” Night asked after a moment of silent contemplation. 

        “That would never happen.” He spoke as if he were making a promise… and as far as he was concerned, it was. He still hadn’t found out if he was allowed to marry as a demon, but if it were possible, he’d pledge to be faithful to Monaka for the remainder of her life–and probably after she was gone, too. Certainly, there was no one else that he would consider making such a big commitment to, and there never had been. Yukio still meant something to him, but it paled in comparison to what he felt for Monaka.

       “I would forgive him, though. Maybe. But I wouldn’t take him back.” Except maybe after Monaka was dead. Maybe.  But Yukio probably hated him, and after however many decades Monaka would live–Night intended to make sure she lived a long time, even if he had to challenge death itself to a sword fight or something–the half-demon would likely have found someone else. So really, it was irrelevant. It didn’t matter. Their years together, their happy times, those were nothing anymore. And it hurt. 

     Monaka looked away thinking. To hear that she was first in his heart meant a lot to her, but it also mad her feel ill. He had spent all that time, been through so much with Yukio, and just say that it was all a mistake. At least he would forgive him. That was a show that Night was in some ways becoming more human, like he always wanted. 

     She hid her face in his chest as she thought about everything. “I wasn’t talking about leaving me,” she remarked, voice now shaking a little. She hadn’t even thought about that really. Now it was there, even though she had heard him say it was never going to happen. She held him tightly, worried about how everything was going to work out now. “I...I am just not sure about how I should feel about anything.” 

          “Oh, I do. I have a great deal of experience with both pregnancy and babies themselves. I’ve worked as a midwife before.” That actually wasn’t a complete lie, but what she’d failed to include was that as soon as the ill-fated babes were free of their mother’s wombs they were quickly devoured, and the mothers usually left to mourn. Why eat them when they could go on to make more meals?

        “That’s unsurprising. You need time to mourn, of course. I hope your significant other has been understanding. Men can be so dense about such matters.” A nonchalant shrug. Seeing as Monaka looked mildly put off by her touch, she allowed her hand to drop back to her side. She already knew exactly who the father of that baby was. She could smell him all over this girl. How disgusting that one of her own sons was trifling with a human and making disgraceful half-demon half-human spawn. 

     Monaka looked down at the flowers that she had been mindlessly holding this whole time. She had been spending time alone away from Night since it happened. She had asked him to sleep in his old room, but yet it only worked half of the time. She still wold go into his room and cuddle with him crying. The rest of the nights she couldn’t sleep and she would be outside in the garden, wondering what she did wrong, sometimes feeling as if someone was out there with her. Sometimes she would see a white cat the she was reminded of the one that Night said was his brother, but she never got close enough to be sure. 

          “How dreadful that must have been for you. I’m sure it wasn’t your fault, sometimes they just fail to thrive for whatever reason.” Lamashtu reached out to gently put a hand on Monaka’s shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. She was well versed in human interactions–though it had been quite some time since she’d been in Assiah, so she had practiced with a few random strangers before coming to the manor.

          “I’m sure you’ll be able to have another. Healthy, this time. Perhaps give offerings to whatever deity you follow for luck?” 

     Monaka just nodded. She was unsure if she wanted to try again. At least not now. It just didn’t feel right to her, and she knew her body needed a rest, not to mention she really didn’t want Night to touch her right now, at least in that way, all she wanted was him to hold her and know that everything was going to be okay. When he did it, i felt comforting and right. 

    But when this woman did it, it almost reminded her of her uncle. She passed it off as, just how she had been since the miscarriage. Anyone but Night put a hand on her and she started to feel uncomfortable. She just never remembered anyone setting her off this badly before. It didn’t matter. 

     Monaka felt an urge to cry as those words washed over her. She had, had one yes. And the worst part, Night hadn’t even been there to help her through it. It had been her servants, and a few of the doctors from the order. She looked to the woman wondering where she heard it from, barely anyone had known that. It was just her weak body after all, unable to handle a baby.