don’t let them know

everybody talks to you. But nobody cares about you…

everyone needs you. But nobody wants you..

and everyone loves you. But nobody likes you.

For reference with this I am 19yo, cis female, and 5′6

(this is NOT my full story at all but it’s what I’m dealing with atm)

So i guess at my last physical i weight 112lbs which was over a year ago. I must have gained into last spring because i was looking at old videos and I looked kinda chubby? Idk I have never been big but I was like wait was I and didn’t notice? I also wasn’t weighing myself at this time so i have no idea what I was.

But then I looked at my lifesum app (GREAT app by the way) and this summer it said I was 113 yet I look thinner then I did before in the old spring videos. Anyways, I went to the doctor for a physical in September and I was 108lbs. Obviously she was like wtf why’d you lose 5 lbs that you can’t afford to lose and i was confused because i wasn’t even restricting for most of the year especially the summer, I ate what i wanted. Then I realized I was doing a lot of c0ke over the summer which probably affected my weight.

So recently, (ab a month ago) I had a really bad manic episode and was doing recreational Adderall and not sleeping or eating for a week (all due to the drugs and mania not an ed). And that kind of snowballed into getting into the habit of not eating until dinner bc my body was used to running only on caffeine and drugs. I was at around 106lbs by then.

And that’s what makes it so beautifully addicting.