blind nocturne

for two full years i closed my eyes and relived the nightmare every night i would open my mouth and breathe out smoke but if i said a thing i knew i would i choke

they picked apart my brain and i shared all of my pain finally free of living in fear i was so ready for a happy year

the way your lips tasted like dew

i can imagine your hands

unzipping the back of my red dress

i can hold onto the photos

and the letters you wrote

i can pretend but i can’t

little girl listen:

do not try to fix him

he is broken beyond repair

let him cry on your chest

and let him kiss your lips

but do not let your guard down

wounded animals are feral

and you were not made to tame them

when he decides to leave

do not let him see you cry

he is breaking your heart in half

but doesn’t deserve to see your tears

little girl i know it hurts

and you only wanted to help him

i am so angry and i know i should be sad

every eulogy i pen turns into rage on paper

how could you go and leave me alone? 8pm you texted like nothing was wrong but by 10pm your responses dried up credit where is credit is due- no one expected this from you as soon as they found you on the coast they constructed a fence around me stopping me from doing the exact same thing

i’m stuck here with all of these thoughts and nobody to call my home it’s sad but at least you found your relief i hate to say it but i’m jealous you’ve fallen into eternal sleep but i’m being stuffed with pills and sent to my room my heart hurts so much i’ve torn it out left only with a rage only river water can quench

i felt so many things that i couldn’t feel a thing

now he’s gone and my words pour out like the rain in this city

you were in my dreams last night but

i am not in love with you

anymore

maybe i never was

you held me in a cage

glistening with the blood of my heart

for nine grueling months

light the candles and pull out the casket

i am no longer the girl you broke

her body lies broken and dead

you can not control me

not anymore

i crush the bones of men like you

under my feet

no remorse and no regret

i ripped apart your letter

and scattered the pieces at our castle

i am not in love with you

before you i lived life in a daze

never really seeing never really doing

you came around and woke me up

together we saw what the world really was

and made colors that others could only dream of

then you left and took it all with

now i have nothing but the memories

i keep putting one foot in front of the other

hoping to recapture the magic with someone else

but continuing on without you seems pointless

i used to burst with

a cacophony of words

to describe everything i felt.

the bad, the worse and the worst.

but i only need three words

to say what i have felt

for three months and counting.

three words to explain why

i wish on a star every single night.

this one thought runs rampant

through the jungle of my mind.

.

crying so hard i cannot breathe as i see

they have destroyed the castle of you and me.

the abandoned house we made a home with love

has been torn down by the city we share.

did you ever go back there,

after the last time we stained the sand with

memories of you discovering my skin?

my lips part now to let out a silent scream-

“it should have been us, it should have been me.”

i want to live forever in this place where

we first kissed and told each other secrets.

the remnants of our castle pull me back into reality,

why didn’t you ask for my favorite color?

what did you even know about me?

i just realized you never asked how i was.

it shouldn’t really be a surprise honestly

you can’t love someone if you don’t know them.

but maybe that’s why i fell so hard

because i asked for every little detail.

yours is red, your favorite color i mean.

i felt love and you felt lust

and that is why we were destined to break.

this isn’t me pushing the blame on you

i just wish i hadn’t lied to myself.

my favorite color is pink,

maybe a lot of girls will talk to you

and maybe a lot of them will sleep with you

but i bet that none of them

will ever love you like i still do.

you are a red flag on a freeway

not even pretending to be anything else.

the cards lay on the table face up 

and you admit all you want is one thing.

maybe i never minded that because

your arms feel like home even when

they were held around my neck

and pushing me into your queen sized bed.

i was never your queen, was i?

maybe we can go back to square one

and i will do everything you needed me to.

maybe another girl will say yes like i did

but no one will ever love you hurting them-

a decade ago i did not believe

in a love unrequited.

love to me then meant

starcrossed lovers and true love’s kiss

not lies and lonely men.

i am not eight years old anymore.

pretty words have hurt me the most

and the only lesson i’ve learned is

that you can’t trust anyone.

not even the boy you’ve known for years,

who you trusted with your heart

because he’s the only guy who wouldn’t lie.

he’ll kiss you as he says how much he cares

and then he’ll break your heart.

you laid all of your problems at my feet,

the first open book i’ve met,

so i solved them all for you

without a second thought

because i knew you weren’t a liar

but you never promised me forever.

i should have made you say

that you meant you’d stay.

all fixed up and ready to go,

you picked up the phone and ended us.

“i’m being honest, at least”

and how can i argue with that?