Just an Unrecognizable Creature

For such a brief period of time I felt the blood come back to my fingertips and my mind begins to wander

But just like that I was proven right. Even if for just a brief period I thought I was out of this endless loam

But no

I’m still lost in the water

Please

I thought I had begun my way out

But I’m still just lost in the water

It’s endless black and all I can be blinded by is the moons reflection on the curving horizon

I really thought I was out of it this time

But just like that I’ve been thrust back into the very middle of this endless roiling

The whole day I tried to shake it off

But I’m here again, just lost in the water

For such a small period I thought it was possible to not feel this way

But again I have been thrust with violent force back into the center of this thing.

I want to kill myself

I want to kill myself

I don’t want to reflect myself and reflect it into a popcorn ceiling anymore

I want to kill myself

Especially if those hands are angry when the grab at you

I can feel when you pull me out of the mud

Trust me

I can tell when the knuckles of your endeavor at earnest

Also sometimes, I can tell you want to push my head under the tar of my seemingly infinite bad luck

And I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

Trust me

I want to start over again

I want to restart

I want to start over

I need to start over

Please forgive me if I start over

Please forget me if I start over

It’s ok if I start over

For the both of us, if I start over

I’m not ok and need to start over

Is it selfish to keep starting over

Is it selfish for you to start me over

Is it wrong to turn the starter over

Is it ok if I just start over

And try to be someone else somewhere else

Starting something else

Over and over and over again

Till I get it right

Is it ok if I do that

It’s so much to ask, but when may I

When may I taste

When may I feel

When may I follow

When may I pour myself completely into a new container

I know I’m asking a lot

But that’s what you should ask of me

When may we connect

When may we siphon

When may we taste each other forever and be quenched?

For a single second. For just one second, you forgot who I was. Now I will forever feel forgotten.

I will never forget you.

At the first mention of the name Morgan I pray with blood soaked rosary it’s you.

I’ve never prayed, but I think the way Ive begged your name to lever leave me, is the same

The brass beads will rotate in my hand

And as each fingertip runs a calloused fingerover each bead, in the name of muscle memory