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Hello my beautiful human body! I’ve invited you here today to discuss adopting non-mucus-based solutions to common challenges—

the thing about misogyny is that nothing makes apparent how prevalent it is faster than just pointing out misogyny, which will have people scuttering out of the damn sewers like ninja turtles to accuse you of being an overly sensitive shit-stirring know-nothing who's making up things to be offended about. which is actually also pretty misogynistic, but if you point it out people will come scuttering out of the damn sewers—

oh Sara Ahmed we're really in it now, etc

btw this also applies to racism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, fatphobia, etc etc etc

chimpanzees are the closest thing to demons in this world i am very harsh on chimpanzees considering my huge love for other apes but they are so fucking mean and they are capable of knowing better

if i got mauled by an orangutan i would feel absolutely no pain as my body was gently opened along inbuilt seams to release my soul like carbon dioxide from a coke can

scientists are in labs right now creating the thinnest and worst material known to mankind so they can make women’s clothing

Oh he's definitely eating it

scientists are in labs right now creating the thinnest and worst material known to mankind so they can surreptitiously eat it

if you're a woman and you don't eat when you're hungry then it's like eve sinned for nothing

computa make my mutuals have a great day

how many tons of cement would we need to fill in Silicon Valley, hypothetically speaking

enough that if you poured it all at once, the exothermic curing reaction would also succeed in melting it

so we do it very slowly then

we need visionaries like yourself in public office

Save a horse, give me $5 to turn off my horse obliterating machine.

big pharma will try to sell u $20 cold medicine like spicy ramen doesnt cost like a dollar a pack and orgasms are free

big chemist will try to sell you £20 paracetamol like beans dont cost like a quid a can and havin a wank costs fock all

you can stay indoors all day when the sun is out, and sometimes it's nice like a cool draught from a tranquil spring, but watch out because if you stay indoors for two days in a row while the sun is out you start doing odd gothic literature things, stalking the halls and passages and muttering to yourself and parting the blinds to gaze down at your neighbours with a haunted look before turning away to contemplate your mannequins #yourmannequins. three days and you're basically fucked. you have to throw a towel over your head to scurry as far as the store for milk and people jeer at you like frankenstein's monster.

terrifying when you watch a movie or a show or whatever & youre like that was fun but it felt a little redundant they didnt need to hammer the point home that much & then you go online & theres thousands of people going that was so weird i did not get it what did that mean google.com ending explained please?

*smirking* you couldn't waterboard that out of me, but even if torture was an effective method of information extraction and not a futile display of state-sanctioned sadism, the high percentage of false confessions it produces would mean that even if you could waterboard it out of me, could you even trust the veracity of my statement?