welcome to my evil lair

As we know, parasocial relationships are psychologically you form a bond with some who doesn’t know you exist.

When you’re a fangirl, the industry relies on these relationships to thrive, to get you invested, to support, to make money. When you’re in a parasocial relationship you put this person above all that is normal and that matters, so they cannot do ANY wrong.

Conversations are happening pretty frequently these days about not idolizing these celebrities, realizing they are people too and make mistakes.

for one can admit, I’ve been parasocial in the past but I’m 21 now and I can see how unhealthy it is.

Today, Mark Lee left my favorite band in the whole world. He was a cornerstone of the band and a important influence to their sound, I’ve followed his journey since he was 20 and I was 14. I feel so much more safe than I’d thought I’d be, I feel like he was someone I was also growing up with, a friend. NCT’s music was what supported me through hard times, he’s the main character in so many inside jokes, someone I looked up to.

I told myself, i should get sad because I don’t know him and it’s parasocial. But I am sad, sad he traded his youth for mine, sad he could reach the same milestones as me in the same way, sad a decade of his life was taken and his body is now showing for it, sad I was part of the reason this happened. I got invested a music group, and now my chest hurts.

The other thing is I don’t regret being invested, putting my all into it, seeing them in concert, it made me happy and I hope that in some part it name them happy too.

Sure, the industry will never be good for the consumer and the participants but sometimes good comes out of it I think.

Because I am for someone I don’t know to finally move on and be happy!

Cause on one hand it’s like -> tell him (he might reject me, tell our friends, and then I’m humiliated for as long as I live! Although i feel highkey would never)

Then the other is like -> never tell him and pine endlessly for him until he or I die?

He’s very cute too that’s the worst part! Every one I liked it’s like okay some dude whatever, but this one is thoughtful, has dimples, is goofy in a very endearing way and only annoys me as a man 75% of the time!

Yknow my friends asked him if he liked me (they all swear he’s/was in love with me) and he never gave a straight answer!!! I feel like that’s worse in a way 😔. Anyways seeing after not eachother for like four month, he told me he started seeing someone and that didn’t end well (yikes!) but he said they were doing a sort of FWB type of thing…i didn’t ask if that was still going on. I was actually so gutted. I knew but like damn, ALSO I do look nothing like his type of usual gal. (He’s into those alternative girls and I’m more a cutesy non alternative thick girl!)

I feel delusional but he are things I’ve noticed about him when it come to me okay:

1. He literally loves to say no to everything but if I ask he’ll usually say yes

2. When I’m gone he tells me he misses me

3. I’ve caught him staring from afar

4. Gets a bit sad if I don’t talk to him

5. Defended from me his hating ass friend (after he told me he doesn’t really do that) and to be honest from a lot of people. He don’t play about haterism😭😭

6. Notices when something changes in my appearance right away (tb when I got new glasses and no one noticed except for him 💔)

7. Opens up pretty easily if I’m around

8. Flirting? ( drove me home and we’d talk well into the night despite having arrived, constant teasing, does the animal crossing noises to get my attention, once he pulled something out of hair it was like a small piece of lint I don’t think it was noticeable, bought me food, asked why I wasn’t finishing it, then wrapped up for me.)

All the flirting stuff could still be friendly GAH IDK! 😔 every single I tell someone I like them they turn me down, but it’s very efficient in moving on no?