I love chabin I love N being a natural at everything he does and Hongbin being a quiet hard worker who tries to compensate for everything he canโt do. I love Hongbin being both Nโs little brother who has to be attended to and finds great joy in making N mad and also his oldest friend and the person he can laugh with the most easily. I love N seeing in Hongbin what Hongbin has never found in himself and believing in how wonderful he is with zero doubt. I love Hongbin listening to N with that same striking conviction no matter how much he likes to play rebellious because at the end of the day that trust between them is as intangible as it is unrelenting and N has never led him astray. Believe in me and maybe you can learn to believe in yourself too.
I love the easy companionship between them, the comfortable conversation, smiling so hard you have to fight to keep it at bay, everything you couldnโt say communicated in a good-natured shove. Maybe getting on your nerves is the best way I can think of to get your attention. Time crawling by at a snails pace as you rehearse the same moves over again, wishing you could sleep for days, into the next life, maybe, except you want to be here. Locking eyes through the mirror and itโs like only the two of you exist in this hour. Youโre here because you have to be, and he is here because you. It feels funny to switch roles in these situations.
Staring at a monitor unblinkingly, memories of a past like ghost stories, or untold fables, maybe, but the point is how they keep you up although you tell yourself itโs just the games. Messages with a person that havenโt been touched opened in years. Old chat logs that make you chuckle, but then it just starts to feel like youโre laughing at yourself and reality sets in. Itโs feeling a million miles away even if you know theyโre a phone call away. Itโs all the wondering. If their eyes still light up at the same gestures, do they still reach for the same brand of coffee each morning, would they still smile at you just as warmly if you told them what youโd been up to lately, if theyโd still hold that space for you. Itโs feeling closer to a fan than a friend. You see him on posters, he sees you through screens.
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