CandyStripeMikan

Okay wow, uh I honestly never meant to suddenly disappear for errr--causally glances to check--4/5 months. Gosh has it really been that long? Wow. Welp I guess as much is to be expected when you have a super busy semester and winter break. Yea, last semester we an almost constant workload that left me in a near constant state of just being mentally burnt out. Which also meant that I really couldn’t do replies because they would have been quite lacking and very sub-par to what I would want to sent out.

Though I guess it can’t be helped. I was either busy working on starting my student thesis animation film with a couple friends of mine--since we joined together as a group to try and lessen the workload we’d be expecting to have. But it still left us with a lot of work and planning to do on top of my other classes and doing whatever I could just to try and stay sane.

Then winter break wasn’t that great either...or too much of a break honestly. Between working at my job and continuing work on animation we fell behind on--because with animation things always go wrong or get backed up somehow (seriously it always finds a way to happen)--I barely had enough time to just let myself relax and take it easy. But I did force myself to take a week to just step away from everything because it was getting to the point that I wasn’t letting myself get enough sleep and started experiencing daily migraines from the eye strain I was causing myself. Since working traditionally means that I’m working off of a light table and either have the light on for a good while or flashing it off and on to check line placement and all that fun stuff. Yea, not too good on the eyes when you’re doing it from the point you wake up until the point you’re going to bed.

And it didn’t help that I ended up catching something at work during my shift on Christmas Eve which got me pretty sick. Spent a better part of a week with a throat that literally felt it was on fire, constant coughing, all the good stuff.

So yea, not the best winter break. And I’m about to start my last semester which I’m more than certain will be my most stressful one yet between finishing my thesis film on top of having to take care of 4 other classes and keeping on top of everything I’m going have to do to prepare for graduation. Which sadly means I’m not 100% sure if I can officially say that I’m back to rping. Though I’m far from giving up on this blog because of how much of a great experience I’ve had here. So I’m certainly coming back at some point. I might be able to be a rare sight on here once in a blue moon depending on how things go, but worst case I won’t be around until early May. But after that I’m technically free and will only have my job and basic life things getting in the way.

But uh, I suppose all of that isn’t everything that’s been keeping me away/getting in the way of my life in general.

You see I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, or at least I’m fairly certain I do with how it affects my life. Things in life just prevent me from actually seeing someone who can officially diagnose me. And I’m also a bit convinced that I have some kind of depression as well--possibly an anxiety/depression duo disorder if something may trigger the both of them to occur to an extent. Though I’m wary to say that I actually have the latter before actually hearing it from a professional, but I digress.

But, anyway, my anxiety has just been...weird lately. Of course I expected it to be acting up as my last semester approaches and I’m expecting to experience a very heavy workload that’s going to more than likely be pushing me to my extreme limits at points. However, it’s also pushing me into points of something depression-like where I just can’t bring myself to do anything. But it doesn’t exactly feel like I figure depression should, unless it’s possible to being just experiencing the dread and lack of wanting to do practically anything. Even so, it doesn’t always feel like I’m experiencing only dread. Like it’s formed into this feeling of dread, being disheartened, lack of motivation, and a shut down of sorts being mixed into one nearly ever present state of mind. While also being coupled with this drive to want to do something and having to fight off the doubt of being able to pull anything off well. Even with doing small occasional rps with a friend of mine and working on my animation I quickly experience this pit in my chest, sometimes getting panicky, and wanting to back out of everything and just do nothing while wanting to at least do something. But shortly after setting things down to let myself take a breather to recover I quickly get restless and anxious to pick it back up and continue onward.

And I feel that some of it is coming from simply being in college--specifically the end of it. The pressure to always be working to be the best and being chastised by some teachers for either simply not being that or improving as quickly as they’d like to see. The feeling of guilt for needing to take a break or being stuck or having to work on one project instead of another that spirals into a near endless loop. And at first I knew and understood that it’s simply something that comes with being an art major--I mean I’m certainly not the only person who gets that kind of talk from teachers. But it’s spilled into almost everything in life and it’s affected my anxiety in a negative way to the point that I find myself just shutting down much more often with nearly everything I try to do. A nervousness to be doing something yet nothing at all at the same time is the best way I think I can put it. Still, I’m hoping that this had simply been caused by just being in college itself and that it’ll slowly return to normal once I’m simply home and can work out my own pace again.

And on top of it all, it’s making me constantly doubt what I’m doing with my life. But at the same time I know that I’m pushing through with what I want to be doing. Because when I watch others draw or see really nice pieces of work I get a strong urge to draw something, only to be hit by the ‘I can’t do this/I don’t want to do this’ once I try to settle down and do something. In turn making my mind enter a sort of artistic bloack. which is a concern all on its own since not working on improving myself is only hurting me. And that, I think, just adds onto the whole college issue of never being quite good enough that I mentioned before.

Still, I’m thankful that I’m not going through anything bad like I could be doing-and heaven knows I’ve been worse off in the past--and either need to try to work past this anxiety driven funk of mine or hope that it eventually passes away on it’s own.

Anyway, I felt that it was only right to try and let you guys know that I’m alright and what’s been going on with me while I’ve been gone. I’ll try to get this blog back into shape and provide some updates as I can, given how well my anxiety decides to work with me. And I’m sorry for rambling too long on the subject.

Oh, and I certainly don’t mind if anyone would want to chat and want to try and catch up with me and stuff. Skype would probably be the best bet there--InnocentIchigo is my user name. Though the Tumblr chat would be alright too of course.

Okay wow, uh I honestly never meant to suddenly disappear for errr--causally glances to check--4/5 months. Gosh has it really been that long? Wow. Welp I guess as much is to be expected when you have a super busy semester and winter break. Yea, last semester we an almost constant workload that left me in a near constant state of just being mentally burnt out. Which also meant that I really couldn’t do replies because they would have been quite lacking and very sub-par to what I would want to sent out.

Though I guess it can’t be helped. I was either busy working on starting my student thesis animation film with a couple friends of mine--since we joined together as a group to try and lessen the workload we’d be expecting to have. But it still left us with a lot of work and planning to do on top of my other classes and doing whatever I could just to try and stay sane.

Then winter break wasn’t that great either...or too much of a break honestly. Between working at my job and continuing work on animation we fell behind on--because with animation things always go wrong or get backed up somehow (seriously it always finds a way to happen)--I barely had enough time to just let myself relax and take it easy. But I did force myself to take a week to just step away from everything because it was getting to the point that I wasn’t letting myself get enough sleep and started experiencing daily migraines from the eye strain I was causing myself. Since working traditionally means that I’m working off of a light table and either have the light on for a good while or flashing it off and on to check line placement and all that fun stuff. Yea, not too good on the eyes when you’re doing it from the point you wake up until the point you’re going to bed.

And it didn’t help that I ended up catching something at work during my shift on Christmas Eve which got me pretty sick. Spent a better part of a week with a throat that literally felt it was on fire, constant coughing, all the good stuff.

So yea, not the best winter break. And I’m about to start my last semester which I’m more than certain will be my most stressful one yet between finishing my thesis film on top of having to take care of 4 other classes and keeping on top of everything I’m going have to do to prepare for graduation. Which sadly means I’m not 100% sure if I can officially say that I’m back to rping. Though I’m far from giving up on this blog because of how much of a great experience I’ve had here. So I’m certainly coming back at some point. I might be able to be a rare sight on here once in a blue moon depending on how things go, but worst case I won’t be around until early May. But after that I’m technically free and will only have my job and basic life things getting in the way.

But uh, I suppose all of that isn’t everything that’s been keeping me away/getting in the way of my life in general.

You see I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, or at least I’m fairly certain I do with how it affects my life. Things in life just prevent me from actually seeing someone who can officially diagnose me. And I’m also a bit convinced that I have some kind of depression as well--possibly an anxiety/depression duo disorder if something may trigger the both of them to occur to an extent. Though I’m wary to say that I actually have the latter before actually hearing it from a professional, but I digress.

But, anyway, my anxiety has just been...weird lately. Of course I expected it to be acting up as my last semester approaches and I’m expecting to experience a very heavy workload that’s going to more than likely be pushing me to my extreme limits at points. However, it’s also pushing me into points of something depression-like where I just can’t bring myself to do anything. But it doesn’t exactly feel like I figure depression should, unless it’s possible to being just experiencing the dread and lack of wanting to do practically anything. Even so, it doesn’t always feel like I’m experiencing only dread. Like it’s formed into this feeling of dread, being disheartened, lack of motivation, and a shut down of sorts being mixed into one nearly ever present state of mind. While also being coupled with this drive to want to do something and having to fight off the doubt of being able to pull anything off well. Even with doing small occasional rps with a friend of mine and working on my animation I quickly experience this pit in my chest, sometimes getting panicky, and wanting to back out of everything and just do nothing while wanting to at least do something. But shortly after setting things down to let myself take a breather to recover I quickly get restless and anxious to pick it back up and continue onward.

And I feel that some of it is coming from simply being in college--specifically the end of it. The pressure to always be working to be the best and being chastised by some teachers for either simply not being that or improving as quickly as they’d like to see. The feeling of guilt for needing to take a break or being stuck or having to work on one project instead of another that spirals into a near endless loop. And at first I knew and understood that it’s simply something that comes with being an art major--I mean I’m certainly not the only person who gets that kind of talk from teachers. But it’s spilled into almost everything in life and it’s affected my anxiety in a negative way to the point that I find myself just shutting down much more often with nearly everything I try to do. A nervousness to be doing something yet nothing at all at the same time is the best way I think I can put it. Still, I’m hoping that this had simply been caused by just being in college itself and that it’ll slowly return to normal once I’m simply home and can work out my own pace again.

And on top of it all, it’s making me constantly doubt what I’m doing with my life. But at the same time I know that I’m pushing through with what I want to be doing. Because when I watch others draw or see really nice pieces of work I get a strong urge to draw something, only to be hit by the ‘I can’t do this/I don’t want to do this’ once I try to settle down and do something. In turn making my mind enter a sort of artistic bloack. which is a concern all on its own since not working on improving myself is only hurting me. And that, I think, just adds onto the whole college issue of never being quite good enough that I mentioned before.

Still, I’m thankful that I’m not going through anything bad like I could be doing-and heaven knows I’ve been worse off in the past--and either need to try to work past this anxiety driven funk of mine or hope that it eventually passes away on it’s own.

Anyway, I felt that it was only right to try and let you guys know that I’m alright and what’s been going on with me while I’ve been gone. I’ll try to get this blog back into shape and provide some updates as I can, given how well my anxiety decides to work with me. And I’m sorry for rambling too long on the subject.

Oh, and I certainly don’t mind if anyone would want to chat and want to try and catch up with me and stuff. Skype would probably be the best bet there--InnocentIchigo is my user name. Though the Tumblr chat would be alright too of course.

Okay wow, uh I honestly never meant to suddenly disappear for errr--causally glances to check--4/5 months. Gosh has it really been that long? Wow. Welp I guess as much is to be expected when you have a super busy semester and winter break. Yea, last semester we an almost constant workload that left me in a near constant state of just being mentally burnt out. Which also meant that I really couldn’t do replies because they would have been quite lacking and very sub-par to what I would want to sent out.

Though I guess it can’t be helped. I was either busy working on starting my student thesis animation film with a couple friends of mine--since we joined together as a group to try and lessen the workload we’d be expecting to have. But it still left us with a lot of work and planning to do on top of my other classes and doing whatever I could just to try and stay sane.

Then winter break wasn’t that great either...or too much of a break honestly. Between working at my job and continuing work on animation we fell behind on--because with animation things always go wrong or get backed up somehow (seriously it always finds a way to happen)--I barely had enough time to just let myself relax and take it easy. But I did force myself to take a week to just step away from everything because it was getting to the point that I wasn’t letting myself get enough sleep and started experiencing daily migraines from the eye strain I was causing myself. Since working traditionally means that I’m working off of a light table and either have the light on for a good while or flashing it off and on to check line placement and all that fun stuff. Yea, not too good on the eyes when you’re doing it from the point you wake up until the point you’re going to bed.

And it didn’t help that I ended up catching something at work during my shift on Christmas Eve which got me pretty sick. Spent a better part of a week with a throat that literally felt it was on fire, constant coughing, all the good stuff.

So yea, not the best winter break. And I’m about to start my last semester which I’m more than certain will be my most stressful one yet between finishing my thesis film on top of having to take care of 4 other classes and keeping on top of everything I’m going have to do to prepare for graduation. Which sadly means I’m not 100% sure if I can officially say that I’m back to rping. Though I’m far from giving up on this blog because of how much of a great experience I’ve had here. So I’m certainly coming back at some point. I might be able to be a rare sight on here once in a blue moon depending on how things go, but worst case I won’t be around until early May. But after that I’m technically free and will only have my job and basic life things getting in the way.

But uh, I suppose all of that isn’t everything that’s been keeping me away/getting in the way of my life in general.

You see I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, or at least I’m fairly certain I do with how it affects my life. Things in life just prevent me from actually seeing someone who can officially diagnose me. And I’m also a bit convinced that I have some kind of depression as well--possibly an anxiety/depression duo disorder if something may trigger the both of them to occur to an extent. Though I’m wary to say that I actually have the latter before actually hearing it from a professional, but I digress.

But, anyway, my anxiety has just been...weird lately. Of course I expected it to be acting up as my last semester approaches and I’m expecting to experience a very heavy workload that’s going to more than likely be pushing me to my extreme limits at points. However, it’s also pushing me into points of something depression-like where I just can’t bring myself to do anything. But it doesn’t exactly feel like I figure depression should, unless it’s possible to being just experiencing the dread and lack of wanting to do practically anything. Even so, it doesn’t always feel like I’m experiencing only dread. Like it’s formed into this feeling of dread, being disheartened, lack of motivation, and a shut down of sorts being mixed into one nearly ever present state of mind. While also being coupled with this drive to want to do something and having to fight off the doubt of being able to pull anything off well. Even with doing small occasional rps with a friend of mine and working on my animation I quickly experience this pit in my chest, sometimes getting panicky, and wanting to back out of everything and just do nothing while wanting to at least do something. But shortly after setting things down to let myself take a breather to recover I quickly get restless and anxious to pick it back up and continue onward.

And I feel that some of it is coming from simply being in college--specifically the end of it. The pressure to always be working to be the best and being chastised by some teachers for either simply not being that or improving as quickly as they’d like to see. The feeling of guilt for needing to take a break or being stuck or having to work on one project instead of another that spirals into a near endless loop. And at first I knew and understood that it’s simply something that comes with being an art major--I mean I’m certainly not the only person who gets that kind of talk from teachers. But it’s spilled into almost everything in life and it’s affected my anxiety in a negative way to the point that I find myself just shutting down much more often with nearly everything I try to do. A nervousness to be doing something yet nothing at all at the same time is the best way I think I can put it. Still, I’m hoping that this had simply been caused by just being in college itself and that it’ll slowly return to normal once I’m simply home and can work out my own pace again.

And on top of it all, it’s making me constantly doubt what I’m doing with my life. But at the same time I know that I’m pushing through with what I want to be doing. Because when I watch others draw or see really nice pieces of work I get a strong urge to draw something, only to be hit by the ‘I can’t do this/I don’t want to do this’ once I try to settle down and do something. In turn making my mind enter a sort of artistic bloack. which is a concern all on its own since not working on improving myself is only hurting me. And that, I think, just adds onto the whole college issue of never being quite good enough that I mentioned before.

Still, I’m thankful that I’m not going through anything bad like I could be doing-and heaven knows I’ve been worse off in the past--and either need to try to work past this anxiety driven funk of mine or hope that it eventually passes away on it’s own.

Anyway, I felt that it was only right to try and let you guys know that I’m alright and what’s been going on with me while I’ve been gone. I’ll try to get this blog back into shape and provide some updates as I can, given how well my anxiety decides to work with me. And I’m sorry for rambling too long on the subject.

Oh, and I certainly don’t mind if anyone would want to chat and want to try and catch up with me and stuff. Skype would probably be the best bet there--InnocentIchigo is my user name. Though the Tumblr chat would be alright too of course.

Okay wow, uh I honestly never meant to suddenly disappear for errr--causally glances to check--4/5 months. Gosh has it really been that long? Wow. Welp I guess as much is to be expected when you have a super busy semester and winter break. Yea, last semester we an almost constant workload that left me in a near constant state of just being mentally burnt out. Which also meant that I really couldn’t do replies because they would have been quite lacking and very sub-par to what I would want to sent out.

Though I guess it can’t be helped. I was either busy working on starting my student thesis animation film with a couple friends of mine--since we joined together as a group to try and lessen the workload we’d be expecting to have. But it still left us with a lot of work and planning to do on top of my other classes and doing whatever I could just to try and stay sane.

Then winter break wasn’t that great either...or too much of a break honestly. Between working at my job and continuing work on animation we fell behind on--because with animation things always go wrong or get backed up somehow (seriously it always finds a way to happen)--I barely had enough time to just let myself relax and take it easy. But I did force myself to take a week to just step away from everything because it was getting to the point that I wasn’t letting myself get enough sleep and started experiencing daily migraines from the eye strain I was causing myself. Since working traditionally means that I’m working off of a light table and either have the light on for a good while or flashing it off and on to check line placement and all that fun stuff. Yea, not too good on the eyes when you’re doing it from the point you wake up until the point you’re going to bed.

And it didn’t help that I ended up catching something at work during my shift on Christmas Eve which got me pretty sick. Spent a better part of a week with a throat that literally felt it was on fire, constant coughing, all the good stuff.

So yea, not the best winter break. And I’m about to start my last semester which I’m more than certain will be my most stressful one yet between finishing my thesis film on top of having to take care of 4 other classes and keeping on top of everything I’m going have to do to prepare for graduation. Which sadly means I’m not 100% sure if I can officially say that I’m back to rping. Though I’m far from giving up on this blog because of how much of a great experience I’ve had here. So I’m certainly coming back at some point. I might be able to be a rare sight on here once in a blue moon depending on how things go, but worst case I won’t be around until early May. But after that I’m technically free and will only have my job and basic life things getting in the way.

But uh, I suppose all of that isn’t everything that’s been keeping me away/getting in the way of my life in general.

You see I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, or at least I’m fairly certain I do with how it affects my life. Things in life just prevent me from actually seeing someone who can officially diagnose me. And I’m also a bit convinced that I have some kind of depression as well--possibly an anxiety/depression duo disorder if something may trigger the both of them to occur to an extent. Though I’m wary to say that I actually have the latter before actually hearing it from a professional, but I digress.

But, anyway, my anxiety has just been...weird lately. Of course I expected it to be acting up as my last semester approaches and I’m expecting to experience a very heavy workload that’s going to more than likely be pushing me to my extreme limits at points. However, it’s also pushing me into points of something depression-like where I just can’t bring myself to do anything. But it doesn’t exactly feel like I figure depression should, unless it’s possible to being just experiencing the dread and lack of wanting to do practically anything. Even so, it doesn’t always feel like I’m experiencing only dread. Like it’s formed into this feeling of dread, being disheartened, lack of motivation, and a shut down of sorts being mixed into one nearly ever present state of mind. While also being coupled with this drive to want to do something and having to fight off the doubt of being able to pull anything off well. Even with doing small occasional rps with a friend of mine and working on my animation I quickly experience this pit in my chest, sometimes getting panicky, and wanting to back out of everything and just do nothing while wanting to at least do something. But shortly after setting things down to let myself take a breather to recover I quickly get restless and anxious to pick it back up and continue onward.

And I feel that some of it is coming from simply being in college--specifically the end of it. The pressure to always be working to be the best and being chastised by some teachers for either simply not being that or improving as quickly as they’d like to see. The feeling of guilt for needing to take a break or being stuck or having to work on one project instead of another that spirals into a near endless loop. And at first I knew and understood that it’s simply something that comes with being an art major--I mean I’m certainly not the only person who gets that kind of talk from teachers. But it’s spilled into almost everything in life and it’s affected my anxiety in a negative way to the point that I find myself just shutting down much more often with nearly everything I try to do. A nervousness to be doing something yet nothing at all at the same time is the best way I think I can put it. Still, I’m hoping that this had simply been caused by just being in college itself and that it’ll slowly return to normal once I’m simply home and can work out my own pace again.

And on top of it all, it’s making me constantly doubt what I’m doing with my life. But at the same time I know that I’m pushing through with what I want to be doing. Because when I watch others draw or see really nice pieces of work I get a strong urge to draw something, only to be hit by the ‘I can’t do this/I don’t want to do this’ once I try to settle down and do something. In turn making my mind enter a sort of artistic bloack. which is a concern all on its own since not working on improving myself is only hurting me. And that, I think, just adds onto the whole college issue of never being quite good enough that I mentioned before.

Still, I’m thankful that I’m not going through anything bad like I could be doing-and heaven knows I’ve been worse off in the past--and either need to try to work past this anxiety driven funk of mine or hope that it eventually passes away on it’s own.

Anyway, I felt that it was only right to try and let you guys know that I’m alright and what’s been going on with me while I’ve been gone. I’ll try to get this blog back into shape and provide some updates as I can, given how well my anxiety decides to work with me. And I’m sorry for rambling too long on the subject.

Oh, and I certainly don’t mind if anyone would want to chat and want to try and catch up with me and stuff. Skype would probably be the best bet there--InnocentIchigo is my user name. Though the Tumblr chat would be alright too of course.

Okay wow, uh I honestly never meant to suddenly disappear for errr--causally glances to check--4/5 months. Gosh has it really been that long? Wow. Welp I guess as much is to be expected when you have a super busy semester and winter break. Yea, last semester we an almost constant workload that left me in a near constant state of just being mentally burnt out. Which also meant that I really couldn’t do replies because they would have been quite lacking and very sub-par to what I would want to sent out.

Though I guess it can’t be helped. I was either busy working on starting my student thesis animation film with a couple friends of mine--since we joined together as a group to try and lessen the workload we’d be expecting to have. But it still left us with a lot of work and planning to do on top of my other classes and doing whatever I could just to try and stay sane.

Then winter break wasn’t that great either...or too much of a break honestly. Between working at my job and continuing work on animation we fell behind on--because with animation things always go wrong or get backed up somehow (seriously it always finds a way to happen)--I barely had enough time to just let myself relax and take it easy. But I did force myself to take a week to just step away from everything because it was getting to the point that I wasn’t letting myself get enough sleep and started experiencing daily migraines from the eye strain I was causing myself. Since working traditionally means that I’m working off of a light table and either have the light on for a good while or flashing it off and on to check line placement and all that fun stuff. Yea, not too good on the eyes when you’re doing it from the point you wake up until the point you’re going to bed.

And it didn’t help that I ended up catching something at work during my shift on Christmas Eve which got me pretty sick. Spent a better part of a week with a throat that literally felt it was on fire, constant coughing, all the good stuff.

So yea, not the best winter break. And I’m about to start my last semester which I’m more than certain will be my most stressful one yet between finishing my thesis film on top of having to take care of 4 other classes and keeping on top of everything I’m going have to do to prepare for graduation. Which sadly means I’m not 100% sure if I can officially say that I’m back to rping. Though I’m far from giving up on this blog because of how much of a great experience I’ve had here. So I’m certainly coming back at some point. I might be able to be a rare sight on here once in a blue moon depending on how things go, but worst case I won’t be around until early May. But after that I’m technically free and will only have my job and basic life things getting in the way.

But uh, I suppose all of that isn’t everything that’s been keeping me away/getting in the way of my life in general.

You see I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, or at least I’m fairly certain I do with how it affects my life. Things in life just prevent me from actually seeing someone who can officially diagnose me. And I’m also a bit convinced that I have some kind of depression as well--possibly an anxiety/depression duo disorder if something may trigger the both of them to occur to an extent. Though I’m wary to say that I actually have the latter before actually hearing it from a professional, but I digress.

But, anyway, my anxiety has just been...weird lately. Of course I expected it to be acting up as my last semester approaches and I’m expecting to experience a very heavy workload that’s going to more than likely be pushing me to my extreme limits at points. However, it’s also pushing me into points of something depression-like where I just can’t bring myself to do anything. But it doesn’t exactly feel like I figure depression should, unless it’s possible to being just experiencing the dread and lack of wanting to do practically anything. Even so, it doesn’t always feel like I’m experiencing only dread. Like it’s formed into this feeling of dread, being disheartened, lack of motivation, and a shut down of sorts being mixed into one nearly ever present state of mind. While also being coupled with this drive to want to do something and having to fight off the doubt of being able to pull anything off well. Even with doing small occasional rps with a friend of mine and working on my animation I quickly experience this pit in my chest, sometimes getting panicky, and wanting to back out of everything and just do nothing while wanting to at least do something. But shortly after setting things down to let myself take a breather to recover I quickly get restless and anxious to pick it back up and continue onward.

And I feel that some of it is coming from simply being in college--specifically the end of it. The pressure to always be working to be the best and being chastised by some teachers for either simply not being that or improving as quickly as they’d like to see. The feeling of guilt for needing to take a break or being stuck or having to work on one project instead of another that spirals into a near endless loop. And at first I knew and understood that it’s simply something that comes with being an art major--I mean I’m certainly not the only person who gets that kind of talk from teachers. But it’s spilled into almost everything in life and it’s affected my anxiety in a negative way to the point that I find myself just shutting down much more often with nearly everything I try to do. A nervousness to be doing something yet nothing at all at the same time is the best way I think I can put it. Still, I’m hoping that this had simply been caused by just being in college itself and that it’ll slowly return to normal once I’m simply home and can work out my own pace again.

And on top of it all, it’s making me constantly doubt what I’m doing with my life. But at the same time I know that I’m pushing through with what I want to be doing. Because when I watch others draw or see really nice pieces of work I get a strong urge to draw something, only to be hit by the ‘I can’t do this/I don’t want to do this’ once I try to settle down and do something. In turn making my mind enter a sort of artistic bloack. which is a concern all on its own since not working on improving myself is only hurting me. And that, I think, just adds onto the whole college issue of never being quite good enough that I mentioned before.

Still, I’m thankful that I’m not going through anything bad like I could be doing-and heaven knows I’ve been worse off in the past--and either need to try to work past this anxiety driven funk of mine or hope that it eventually passes away on it’s own.

Anyway, I felt that it was only right to try and let you guys know that I’m alright and what’s been going on with me while I’ve been gone. I’ll try to get this blog back into shape and provide some updates as I can, given how well my anxiety decides to work with me. And I’m sorry for rambling too long on the subject.

Oh, and I certainly don’t mind if anyone would want to chat and want to try and catch up with me and stuff. Skype would probably be the best bet there--InnocentIchigo is my user name. Though the Tumblr chat would be alright too of course.

Okay wow, uh I honestly never meant to suddenly disappear for errr--causally glances to check--4/5 months. Gosh has it really been that long? Wow. Welp I guess as much is to be expected when you have a super busy semester and winter break. Yea, last semester we an almost constant workload that left me in a near constant state of just being mentally burnt out. Which also meant that I really couldn’t do replies because they would have been quite lacking and very sub-par to what I would want to sent out. 

Though I guess it can’t be helped. I was either busy working on starting my student thesis animation film with a couple friends of mine--since we joined together as a group to try and lessen the workload we’d be expecting to have. But it still left us with a lot of work and planning to do on top of my other classes and doing whatever I could just to try and stay sane. 

Then winter break wasn’t that great either...or too much of a break honestly. Between working at my job and continuing work on animation we fell behind on--because with animation things always go wrong or get backed up somehow (seriously it always finds a way to happen)--I barely had enough time to just let myself relax and take it easy. But I did force myself to take a week to just step away from everything because it was getting to the point that I wasn’t letting myself get enough sleep and started experiencing daily migraines from the eye strain I was causing myself. Since working traditionally means that I’m working off of a light table and either have the light on for a good while or flashing it off and on to check line placement and all that fun stuff. Yea, not too good on the eyes when you’re doing it from the point you wake up until the point you’re going to bed. 

And it didn’t help that I ended up catching something at work during my shift on Christmas Eve which got me pretty sick. Spent a better part of a week with a throat that literally felt it was on fire, constant coughing, all the good stuff. 

So yea, not the best winter break. And I’m about to start my last semester which I’m more than certain will be my most stressful one yet between finishing my thesis film on top of having to take care of 4 other classes and keeping on top of everything I’m going have to do to prepare for graduation. Which sadly means I’m not 100% sure if I can officially say that I’m back to rping. Though I’m far from giving up on this blog because of how much of a great experience I’ve had here. So I’m certainly coming back at some point. I might be able to be a rare sight on here once in a blue moon depending on how things go, but worst case I won’t be around until early May. But after that I’m technically free and will only have my job and basic life things getting in the way. 

But uh, I suppose all of that isn’t everything that’s been keeping me away/getting in the way of my life in general. 

You see I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, or at least I’m fairly certain I do with how it affects my life. Things in life just prevent me from actually seeing someone who can officially diagnose me. And I’m also a bit convinced that I have some kind of depression as well--possibly an anxiety/depression duo disorder if something may trigger the both of them to occur to an extent. Though I’m wary to say that I actually have the latter before actually hearing it from a professional, but I digress. 

But, anyway, my anxiety has just been...weird lately. Of course I expected it to be acting up as my last semester approaches and I’m expecting to experience a very heavy workload that’s going to more than likely be pushing me to my extreme limits at points. However, it’s also pushing me into points of something depression-like where I just can’t bring myself to do anything. But it doesn’t exactly feel like I figure depression should, unless it’s possible to being just experiencing the dread and lack of wanting to do practically anything. Even so, it doesn’t always feel like I’m experiencing only dread. Like it’s formed into this feeling of dread, being disheartened, lack of motivation, and a shut down of sorts being mixed into one nearly ever present state of mind. While also being coupled with this drive to want to do something and having to fight off the doubt of being able to pull anything off well. Even with doing small occasional rps with a friend of mine and working on my animation I quickly experience this pit in my chest, sometimes getting panicky, and wanting to back out of everything and just do nothing while wanting to at least do something. But shortly after setting things down to let myself take a breather to recover I quickly get restless and anxious to pick it back up and continue onward. 

And I feel that some of it is coming from simply being in college--specifically the end of it. The pressure to always be working to be the best and being chastised by some teachers for either simply not being that or improving as quickly as they’d like to see. The feeling of guilt for needing to take a break or being stuck or having to work on one project instead of another that spirals into a near endless loop. And at first I knew and understood that it’s simply something that comes with being an art major--I mean I’m certainly not the only person who gets that kind of talk from teachers. But it’s spilled into almost everything in life and it’s affected my anxiety in a negative way to the point that I find myself just shutting down much more often with nearly everything I try to do. A nervousness to be doing something yet nothing at all at the same time is the best way I think I can put it. Still, I’m hoping that this had simply been caused by just being in college itself and that it’ll slowly return to normal once I’m simply home and can work out my own pace again. 

And on top of it all, it’s making me constantly doubt what I’m doing with my life. But at the same time I know that I’m pushing through with what I want to be doing. Because when I watch others draw or see really nice pieces of work I get a strong urge to draw something, only to be hit by the ‘I can’t do this/I don’t want to do this’ once I try to settle down and do something. In turn making my mind enter a sort of artistic bloack. which is a concern all on its own since not working on improving myself is only hurting me. And that, I think, just adds onto the whole college issue of never being quite good enough that I mentioned before. 

Still, I’m thankful that I’m not going through anything bad like I could be doing-and heaven knows I’ve been worse off in the past--and either need to try to work past this anxiety driven funk of mine or hope that it eventually passes away on it’s own.

Anyway, I felt that it was only right to try and let you guys know that I’m alright and what’s been going on with me while I’ve been gone. I’ll try to get this blog back into shape and provide some updates as I can, given how well my anxiety decides to work with me. And I’m sorry for rambling too long on the subject.

Oh, and I certainly don’t mind if anyone would want to chat and want to try and catch up with me and stuff. Skype would probably be the best bet there--InnocentIchigo is my user name. Though the Tumblr chat would be alright too of course.