Anything Goes

To My First Heartbreak

June 23, 2016; 11:36pm

You came to my life, you give colors to it. You let me feel love and realize how good it is. You teach me to be not afraid of it. I became stronger to face every day because I know you’re with me. My feelings for you grows as the day goes by, I’m happy when I’m with you and I told myself I am in love with this man.

I thought everything was great not until I found out you are already in a relationship with another woman. I’m so mad at you, too mad for not knowing everything. Why did you do this to me? Why did you lie to me? Where did I go wrong? Am I too harsh for you to hurt me? I gave my whole trust, faith and love for you but in the end you break everything. If I only have the guts to punch you the last time I saw you, I did it but I can’t, I’m so in pain knowing everything.

Sorry isn’t enough to ease the pain you’ve caused. Waking up from sleep and trying to figure things out if it is just a nightmare or not, but no it’s real. It’s a reality and everything I know was true. I really fall for the wrong person. I’m asking God where did I go wrong and why did he give me this. I’ve been always praying to God to give the right and most deserving person to be loved but this is what I got. I fall for you. I fall for the wrong person. You’ve just ruined everything. You ruined how I see love positively. You told me to be not afraid of love and just express things out, but now I have the reasons to be frightened of it.

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Have you felt what I felt? It’s killing me. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I’m dying inside. There are wounds that never show on body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. I’m busy saving everybody else when I can’t even save myself.

I’m tired, when will do I look good to their beautiful eyes, to their perfect eyes? Even though you’re doing great, there are still people who are unhappy of what you are doing. They will still pull you down. They will keep on banging things on you that aren’t true. They never care on what you felt as long as they are happy keeping you down. They will push through all those things just to ruin your life. They will never care until you die.

January 23, 2016 11:43pm

 How will I start this thing? What will happen after this? I don’t know how to say this. I wish things will work out then. Since yesterday I realize something, a strange feeling. It’s my first time to feel this. It’s very wonderful; I can’t express how grateful I am. But on the other part I felt sadness. I don’t know. What on earth am I feeling this thing! I hate it! I don’t know why. I just feel it. Jeez! Whenever I’m with you I feel safe, I feel really comfortable.

Pero pakshet naman kasi tinamaan ata ako ni kupido ngayon. Kung kelan nasa plano na lahat ng gusto ko. Ano ba naman yan. Bakit kasi ganun? Sana pala din na lang kita nakilala. Joke lang pero I thanked God kasi nakilala pa kita. It’s been a year simula ng nakilala kita, ikaw yung classmate ko na sobrang ingay kahit kalalaking tao. Hindi ka nauubusan ng kwento parati. Natuwa ako kasi nagkaroon ako ng kaibigan na lalaki na pwede kong kasusapin ng mga kahit walang kwentang bagay. Yung trip ko parati mong sinasakyan. Yung mga rants ko parati mong pinapakinggan. Halos buong buhay ko nakwento ko na sayo pero wala kang reklamo makinig. Nung summer natutuwa ako sayo kasi nakwekwento mo sa kin lahat, about sa family mo, sa buhay mo, sa mga naging past relationships mo na inaabot lang ng buwan. Andaming kong nalaman tungkol sayo. Ang komportable natin sa isa’t isa. Kahit yung family problem ko alam mo. Pinapalakas mo yung loob ko. Ikaw lang yung tanging kaibigan na nakwekwentuhan ko nun at yung tanging tao na handing makinig sa kin. Ewan ko ba. Ang bait mong kaibigan.

First sem na ulit nun. Ganun pa rin. Parati pa rin tayong magka-chat kaso nawala na yung phone calls kasi busy ka and busy na rin ako sa school works, alam mo naman 3rd year na ko. Until dumating yung day na sabi ko sobrang na-aatached na ko sayo, sabi ko pa masama ‘to. Sa totoo niyan iniwasan talaga kita nun kahit sinabi ko sayo na ikaw yung hindi namamansin sa ‘tin dalawa. Sabi ko pa nga nakakahalata ka na. Tuwing nakikita kita hindi kita pinapansin kasi sabi ko tama lang yung ginagawa ko. Ayoko na maging kaibigan ka dahil sobrang bait mo sa kin. Nung isang beses na nagkita tayo sa labas ng campus at talagang hinawakan mo yung braso ko sabi ko sayo nagmamadali na ko pumasok kasi may class pa ko. Pero ang totoo niyan vacant time ko pa yun. Ayaw lang talaga kita kausapin. Ewan ko ba, pero after nun nakonsensya na ko. Sabi ko pa ano bang masama, ano bang magagawa ng pag-iwas ko sayo. Pero wala after din ng ilang weeks ako rin ‘tong unang nag-pm. Napaparanoid kasi ako pag hindi kita nakakausap, pag nakikita kong naka online ka pero hindi ko nakikita sa inbox ko yung name mo. Ewan ko ba. Baliw na ‘tong kaibigan mo. Sorry na. Ang smooth na ng rest of the sem kasama ka. Nakilala ko na yung circle of friends mo sa JRU. Alam ko na rin yung mga kalokohan na pinag gagawa mo. Okay naman na lahat. Friends pa rin tayo.

Nakwento mo nga rin pala yung crush mo last sem, alam mo what I felt after that? Nagselos ako swear. Kasi BSA din yung crush mo tapos sabi mo pa kinikilig ka kapag kasama mo siya. Pinipilit pa nga kita ligawan mo na siya pero deep inside selos na selos na ko. Pero ano ba naman magagawa ko, ako lang naman yung dakila mong kaibigan. Pero natuwa ako na after din ng semester sabi mo hindi mo na siya crush. Na-relieved ako.

Second semester na! Okay naman nung una hanggang isang araw pinagtripan mo ko. Naasar talaga ko sayo promise! Hindi na kita nirereplyan sa chat. Ang sama mo naman kasi, sa kin mo pa talaga ginawa yung trip niyo ng pinsan mo. Ilang araw puro seen lang ginagawa ko sayo. Ang epal mo kasi alam mo yun. Mas naasar pa ko sayo nung time na binulabog ako ng mga kaibigan mo. Sabi nila sa kin makipagbati na daw ako sayo. Halos lahat sila ganun yung pakiusap, sabi mo daw kasi. May pagkaasar na halong tuwa yung naramdaman ko that time kasi I feel special. Pinahalagahan mo yung pagkakaibigan natin. Natuwa ako kasi ayaw mong masayang yun. Hindi rin ako nakatiis sa mga pm mo. Ayoko rin na forever magalit sayo kaya no choice ako naman ‘tong bumigay. I accepted your apology. Ano ba namang magagawa ko? Lalo na nung sinabi mo na hindi ka makatulog ng maayos dahil inisip mo pa rin yung galit mo sa kin tsaka panu ka makikipagbati. I feel special.

Then Christmas season came, ayan umaaligid na naman yung ex-lover slash bestfriend mo sayo. Parati kayo magkasama, kwento mo sa kin diba? Parati pa nga kita ina-update tungkol sa inyong dalawa. Kung kayo na ba o hindi. Sabi mo hindi, sabi mo ayaw mo na siya balikan. Pero sa nakikita ko may gusto ka pa sa kanya, ayaw mo lang aminin. Mas lalo akong nagselos nung nakwento mo sa kin na botong boto yung mga ate mo sa bestfriend mo. Ano naman laban ko sa bestfriend mo na maganda, mabait, at ex mo diba? Pinagpipilitan ko pa na bakit di mo na lang siya ligawan ulit para kayo na, kaso paulit ulit mong sinasabi sa kin na di mo na siya mahal. Okay na ko dun sa paliwanag mong yun.

Hanggang narealize ko kahapon habang magkasama tayo sabi ko sa sarili ko I started to like this person. Hindi lang ‘to yung simpleng crush. Iba ‘to. Kaso naisip ko hindi naman ako gusto ng tao na ‘to. Tsaka bakit ko ba siya gugustuhin e ayaw niya nga ng serious relationships. Sabi ko pa hindi mo kayang magbago. I told you already na I realize something and you’re trying to ask me to tell you story about it, kaso sabi ko FO na tayo pag nangyari yun. Oo friendship over na because I’m a woman and yet I tried to confess my feelings to a man. How pathetic! I tried to confess things out kasi ayokong mahulog ng tuluyan. Ako rin yung unang nag break ng sarili kong rule na wag magkakagusto sa kaibigan. Saklap! Hayaan mo na at pagkatapos nito okay na ulit ako. Ikaw na rin unang nagsabi sa kin galing dun sa lyrics ng kanta, “Only fools rush in”.

Anyway, when you read this, don’t try to reach me out. Wag mo kong hahanapin sa campus. Hindi ko kayang magpakita sayo. Isa pa pag nabasa mo ‘to sana wag ka na magkwento sa iba mong kaibigan. Nakakahiya kasi sa side ko. At least nasabi ko na sayo yung dapat kong sabihin. I will blocked you na rin. Wag ka na rin magkwekwento sa kapatid ko about this. Privacy ko na rin ‘to. Enjoy your trip with your ates’. Stop smoking and drinking alcohol na.

Let’s end our friendship here. Thank you for everything and I will never forget you became my friend. :)

Panginoon? Bakit po ang daming tanong na naglalaro sa isipan ko? Ang daming tanong na gusto ko po itanong sa inyo. Mga katanungan na hindi ko alam kung mabibigyan ng kasagutan. Mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isip at kalooban. Mga tanong na nagpapa-agos ng tubig sa aking mga mata. Mga katanungan na hindi ko alam kung may solusyon.

Isang kang dakila Panginooon, isa kang huwaran dito sa mundong ibabaw. Hindi ko na alam Panginoon kung ano nga ba ang nararapat na gawin. Isa lamang akong tao na hindi alam ang halaga niya sa mundong ito. Isa akong tao na maraming pagkakamali sa buhay. Isang tao na walang alam kung bakit siya nabubuhay. Isang tao na nagtatanong kung bakit siya andito. Isang tao na nagtatanong bakit dumarating ang mga ganoong pangyayari sa buhay niyo.

Panginoon, isa lamang akong tao, marupok, mahina at nasasaktan din. Noon isa lamang akong bata na nangangarap. Sa ngayon parang gusto ko ng sumuko sa buhay. Hindi ko alam kung karapat dapat nga ba ako mabuhay dito. Hindi nga ata makatarungan na naririto ako. O sadya lang ata na malupit sa akin ang mundo.

Bata pa lang ako nararanasan ko na ang kalupitan ng mundo. Bata pa lang ay ipinaranas niyo na sa akin ang isang buhay na napakasalimoot. Bata ako na hinuhusgahan ng mga tao dahil sa kulay at itsura ko. Isang bata na ang tanging pangarap lang ay mabuhay ng maayos ngunit hindi ganoon ang nangyari. Puro pangungutya ang naabot ko sa kapwa ko bata, Tampunan ng tukso ng aking mga kamag-aral at minsan ay ng aking sariling pamilya. Umiiyak na lamang sa tuwing naririnig ang mga salita na yun, ngunit madalas ay hinahayaan na lamang sila sa kanilang sinasabi at nagpapakatatag. Masasabi ko na hindi ako ordinaryong bata na nabuhay dito sa mundo. Masaklap, masalimuot at masakit.

Hindi nga ata talaga nagging patas sa akin ang mundo. Noong pagkabata akala ko ay yun lamang ang mga pangyayari na susubok sa akin ng lubusan. Ibinigay niyo sa akin ang pagsubok na hindi ko lubos maisip na malalagpasan ko. Ang kaisa-isang lalaki sa buhay ko ay kinuha niyo aking Panginoon. Ang lalaki na ina-asahan ko na magtatanggol sa akin, nag-iisang lalaki na magmamahal sa akin ng lubos. Wala na siya at ako’y isang bata na lamang walang ama.

Hindi ko lubos maisip na ganun ang mangyayari sa akin. Tumungtong ako ng hayskul at akala ko ay magbabago ang lahat. Hindi pa rin pala. Isa pa rin akong tao na nagiging tampunan ng tukso at hinuhusgahan dahil sa taglay kong itsura at kulay. Itsura na maaring naiiba sa mga tao at kulay na hindi kanais nais. Sinisikap ko na bumangon araw-araw para ipagpatuloy ang pangarap ko. Panginoon ko bakit ganoon ang mundo? Hindi po ba pwedeng maging patas na lamang ang pagtingin sa bawat tao?

Nawa’y masagot niyo Panginoon ang mga kaunting katanungan na bumabagabag sa aking puso at isipan. Maghihintay ako.

Since I finished second semester of my 2nd year in college, I think about what would be the future I have after this, and asking God about what does he really wants for me?

I had this major mistake I made in my life, and this change everything. A mistake that could ruin me and my whole life. A mistake that can get all the things I have in life, and sorry is not enough for this. I wonder why God let this things, but I know in my heart He has a good reason for everything.

Months and months had passed but I’m not yet decided what to do. Before the day I’ve been waiting for, I asked myself, can I still continue this or not? And I told myself to have few more days to decide. After a long week, I’ve come to conclusions to not continue the dreams I want, and just end what I have started, so I could have a better future. I told my adviser not to continue with the scholarship, because I will be shifting course. The course that I know will help me alot.

People jump into conclusions that you’ve changed course because you failed, but no it’s not. I have my own reasons in making this decision. Accountancy is a 5-year course and I can’t take myself from studying up to 3 more years because money is really hard to find, and studying in college is not an easy money for us, because my mom is the only one that has a job in our family. All I want to do is to graduate as early as I can so that I can help my mom to earn for a living and send my sister to college. Is it a lame reason?

Every night I think about everything. What if I can’t pay my next tuition fee? What if my mom will no longer sent me school? What will I do to earn money? Can I stop first and if I had money I will go back to school? Can I still be back to school if I already had money of my own? I told my mom everything and told her that I will not be attending school this coming semester and I will look for a job so I can earn money for me to go back to school after a year. Week had passed and I’m already hired as a call center agent in a big BPO company in the Philippines. There’s no room for my happiness when I got that good news. I immediately call my mom and tell her that I got hired. She’s happy for me but she doesn’t want me stop and told me not to pursue this. She talk to me sincerely and told me “ Ate, I will do everything for you to finish college and we will help each other so you can help me in the future. Yel will stop first and you’ll continue, just do good in school and do not disappoint me ha?” Those words of her made me realize everything and tears fall in my eyes. I realize that I had a great mom, a mother that will do everything for her child, a mother that will sacrifice just for the good of others. I thanked my mom for everything she have done and do to us. She is a great person that I will cherish in my whole life.

I will do good in my studies and I promise to my mom that I will do everything.

I’m finally decided. And thanks to God for guiding me. I hope everything would be fine and according to his will. Thy will be done.

Till now I can't decide what to do in the future. It's either I give up things for a faster response or wait until I had those dreams on my hands. This past week I've been asking my self what should I do? Am I going to pursue this? Do I really need to continue this, even I don't want. Right from the start the only thing I know is to prove them that I can do it but now I want to give up. I'm thinking so deep. I pray to God if i had those signs I'm wishing for, I will give it up, because if this is not for me I'll just accept the fact that this is not meant for me.

I'm about to cry every time I think about it. I don't want to disappoint my mom and even my brother. They're telling me that I should do this because this is what I've started and they told me to finish what I've started then. I ask my mom but she didn't agree on what I want. I really don't know what to do!